Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Wtf, what is a horrible thing to say

op, this is very disturbing and its even more disturbing that your instinct isnt to kick this 'man' straight out to protect your son. i have 4 kids and a dh who is their step parent and he would be gone asap the minute he made any mean comment about my child. i know you think its easier said than done, but theres a lot i can tolerate but not when it comes to my kids. so, you need to sort this out and get rid. protect your kids

You are NBU to be upset
You absolutely must consider kicking this fucktard of a partner to the kerb.
It’s a right old mess given that you have a child with him now but the damage is done, he isn’t gong to change and you owe it to your eldest child to get rid ASAP poor kid

I've already commented but this is genuinely bothering me.

You're getting a complete bashing on here and one the one hand, I agree but on the other, I can see you're struggling with the reality of it all.

His feelings are very unlikely to change. This is a very serious situation because the outcome could have an everlasting impact on the psychological and emotional wellbeing of your eldest child. Anyone who has grown up in a household with a parent/step parent who did not like them will tell you. It will only get more obvious.

Your son, over time, will question what he did wrong. Why he isnt as good as their sibling. If hes good, will he be closer with him. The list will go on and it will be devastating.

Whether you make the choice now or later is down to you but it will be a decision to make, is your relationship worth the emotional damage to your son?

Please really think about this. Research children who grew up in similar homes etc. It really does affect your self worth.

Add on to that op has described biological dad as adequate and that she is just an average mother not a good mother.

Op - nobody is doubting you love your dc. The point is do you love your dp more? If so then stay and keep doing all you can to avoid him and your ds being together as you are currently doing. If you love your dc more then remove them and yourself from this situation until such a point that either you know your dp has resolved his issues and can treat your dc with love and kindness or the point when you know your dp will never be able to do that. And then all get on with your lives.

I have got no idea why you are getting such a kicking @Happymum1782.

You have made it clear that this coldness towards your son only started after your had your shared child.. and that people around you are telling you it is understandable! H

The question is what you do now.

And I have to say, I think you need to think about leaving if that is possible. Your son is tiny and this treatment will have a huge impact on his life.

It doesn't sound like your partner will be receptive to you issuing an ultimatum, but you might have to start with that - telling him you expect to treat the children equally and asking him to reflect on why his behaviour has changed so drastically.

But I fear the only solution is separation... do you have the means for that?

Sorry but why on earth did you have a baby with this man? He sounds like a massive prick.

Absolutely this. It is heartbreaking.

After the facilitator praised your partner for being honest, did he actually come up with any strategies to address the problem of your partner hating your elder son and not wanting anything to do with him?

Your husband seems to have had his horrible behaviour validated by professionals and other people in the group. Where does this leave your son? Your partner seems to have developed a visceral dislike and disgust for your son. If anyone felt like that about any of my children they would be gone from my life.

I am. And if I for one second gave even the slightest inkling that I disliked or resented my step-child (which I don't btw) then my husband would have told me to go fuck myself. And rightly so. These are innocent children we're talking about!!! How can you live with someone who hates your child??????

You keep going on about how good a step-dad he was before you had your 2 year old... What's been your excuse for not getting rid of him in these last 2 years?! You have allowed him to be a nasty piece of work about your little boy and done nothing about it.

Stop making excuses for this absolute prick and protect your child.

I am no contact with my mother. She stayed while her husband made it clear he didnt like or want me around.

You know what needs to be done but are refusing to step up and take ownership of your boy.

You are not a helpless woman. You are living in 2025 and are perfectly able to leave, and be a single mum.

I suspect that the 'shame' element of being a single mum with two 'babydads' is important to you.

Your son wont give a shit about that in 20 years when he wises up. Hope you wise up before then and bloody put him first.

Stop going to everyone saying 'help me, help me' and bloody grow up. Sorry to be harsh but reading your op is like reading something written by my mother.

Utterly pointless post. Did you read that her partner was an involved step parent before they had a shared child?

This is really upsetting. It would give me the ick.

What on earth possessed you to start a response with ' You are an awful mother' ?

This site has lost the plot.

But surely that is what you are doing? You want your kid full time but it is not the best thing for the kid as your parenting is (currently) inadequate?
And it is inadequate if you're prepared to let your partner dictate whether he can be at home on a weekend or is allowed to join in family activities.
And looking at the responses, I'm not the only one that has read it the way I have, so I don't believe I've twisted anything.
I do think that perhaps the responses haven't gone the way you expected and that you're taking out your anger and maybe your feelings of guilt on anyone who dares to suggest you are doing anything wrong by your son.

If this is true then i would leave. He is appalling.

Wow. He sounds vile. I hope you leave him and build the family arrangements you want with your son.

I think you are risking raising a really dysfunctional child who once he becomes an adult will be a source of eternal pain to you. Honestly, I can't imagine a greater sadness. My friend's son is a drug addict living on the street and she is miserable

Many of the step parents at that group could relate to him and even the facilitator praised him for being honest.

He was praised?!?!?! For resenting a 5 year old child?!?! Fuck off!!!!

If he was then that's some seriously warped "support group" he's going to.

Why the fuck are you defending someone who hates your child @Happymum1782 ?!?!?

Your partner has been in your son’s life since he was a toddler, he is still a tiny child.

If he cannot find it within himself to show such a young child kindness and love, it will not get better as your gets older and more challenging, as all children do.

I’m a step parent and yes, sometimes it is hard. Harder than I ever expected, in ways I never anticipated, on occasion. But much of that is because I do love my step children, not because I wish they’d disappear off the face of the earth, as your partner seems to with your son.

I’ve already said this but feel it is important to reiterate - the way your partner treats your older son will not improve as he gets older. If the presence of a 5 year is challenging for him, a 10 year old, a 13 year old is going to be very much beyond him. Especially because your son will become very much aware of how the land lies where his step father is concerned.

The problem with a counsellor and a parenting class is that no one except you is seeing the full picture. So it might be reasonable for him to tell your son off, but in the context of him never doing anything else with your son and you already being present, and always present in these situations? A bit different. Looks like the only interaction he’s willing to have is where he gets to have a go at him, is that about right?

If you were looking for confirmation that his behaviour is not ok then I think you’ve had that even if it comes in the form of a pile on. So what next? Unfortunately your partner has turned out to be a terrible person and step-parent, so are you going to take steps to leave so you can protect your children from growing up in this environment?

On the contrary @Happymum1782 i think you are a good mother ! You have identified a problem, spoken to a midwife, an counsellor, attended a parenting course and asked people IRL. You still feel uncomfortable about it and have asked on here. I think you know in your gut that things aren’t right and you want to do best for your child. If you didn’t give a shit or care at all you wouldn’t be on here asking for advice.

Your partner has started to show his true colours since your new baby has been born. You state he has become withdrawn, not shown an interest in your child, doesn’t want to spend time with him. He has raised his voice at your child on occasion in a way that you have not felt comfortable when correcting his behaviours but in a way that you say is in keeping with how many others parent. I cannot find any evidence that he has bullied or emotionally abused your child as many others are saying he is - but I do understand the visceral response you’ve had as many are worried about the future and certainly it seems that he doesn’t have the love for your child that your son deserves. I think it will be difficult to come back from this unless he can change especially if the only advice from counselling was you need to stop undermining him. I wish you good luck @Happymum1782 - as others have said putting your eldest child first may mean the end of this relationship

@User564523412 if having 2 children with 2 different men and working full time to support them meaning they have to go into childcare makes you a bad parent then I’ve heard it all now - I wonder if you’re this judgemental towards men in the same position too 👀

Wake up OP and protect your son from this pathetic excuse of a man.

Sounds like a well worn path OP, he's settled into a relationship, he's got you doing all the childcare, and now he thinks he doesn't have to try at all. He is, in fact, a cunt. You cannot accept this attitude and behaviour towards you and your son and you can't raise your other child in it either.

"I have spoken to people who are step parents and have said it’s incredibly difficult and naturally there is a love for a biological child which cannot be matched with a step child"

The problem is op that this goes way beyond that and is actually bordering into abusive behaviour - abusive towards you as well as your child. He's (knowingly) putting you in an impossible position as a mother and is actually disrupting your relationship with your son by being so negative about time spent with your son.

His attitude is absolutely not normal and is not acceptable. And actually I'd argue that the fact he was a doting step dad and then essentially iced your child out is worse because there's a loss of relationship that your child is now experiencing while watching another child get that doting dad experience. His argument that your child's age is tough - what's going to happen when his child gets to that age?

Op I've worked with so many children who have been in your sons shoes and the impact on their mental wellbeing has been very significant. Please step up and protect your child. I know it's probably been tough hearing so much criticism on this thread, but you have dropped a ball here (even if unintentionally) and you have a choice in what you do next.