Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Genuinely curious if the biological child was planned. The timeline sounds incredibly rushed. OP must have become pregnant within 1-2 years of meeting her new partner (whilst taking care of a toddler) and they have not married, which also raises questions of financial stability if she were to leave. "Being nice" to OP's older son means nothing without more context. It could have been spending one holiday or day trip together where he did make an effort to be nice, so OP chooses to interpret that as him really caring about her son.

It honestly sounds like the partner was never keen on children. He leaves work early and comes home late so he effectively never had to deal with child related stuff. The 5 year old goes to his dads on many weekend as well. A rushed pregnancy might have made him ok with the idea of having his own child but he was basically thrown into the deep end, going from single to having two small children within 4 years.

It’s common for abuse to start or ramp up in pregnancy and or after birth. That’s what’s happening here. He’s attempting to coerce you into not allowing your DC to be at home at weekend. That’s just for now. Of course your DC is picking up on it, as will the wee one. It’s vile and toxic. You’re already being groomed by him so you can’t see how wrong it is.

You can’t fix an abuser. He may have been lovely before, he was reeling you in. He’s not now. You need to protect your DC and yourself and get rid.

The OP has realised it’s not ok. Perhaps stop with the pile on and help her work out how she can safely leave the relationship and protect her son.
when you are in a situation like this you are often being abused and coerced and can’t see or think straight. Hopefully this will help show how wrong this is and give her the strength to protect them all.

@Happymum1782 the difficult situation you are in is that you need to choose between your partner or your eldest child. There's no way around that. You can't let this boy be emotionally abused like this (and yes it is abuse).

So, are you going to split up with the man, or let your son live with his father full time?

Because those are the only good options for your child, who you must prioritise.

Yes probably. It was horrible to see.

Watching a man treat your child with contempt and unkindness is the quickest way to kill any feelings you have for that man.

Suggesting he has no love at home is untrue. It’s a total fabrication. He is very much loved here and at his father’s home. Happy to take on the chin that I’m not a good mother etc., well aware of that fact. But not going to sit and read lies. It is not true that either child is unloved at home. There is at least one parent in both homes who loves that little boy very much.

and full custody to me is where you don’t see the child anymore. Wouldn’t you be hysterical about never seeing your child again. Hope you don’t have kids you sound vile

Poor kid. Horrible partner. Dump him. It’ll mean sharing your daughter with him but he cannot be allowed near your son, who he clearly hates. Sorry OP it’s the only solution.

In one post you say that your son doesn’t realise his stepdad can’t stand him, then in other posts you say he does? My older ds is 5 and would pick up on this straight away. Children aren’t idiots. You seem to be intent on staying with him anyway

You have said that your partner never says anything in front of your son but acknowledged that your son is aware of the relationship shift.
You also said that your son's dad would have him every day if he could and would never turn down an opportunity to have him but then also that he is only an adequate father.
You have also come back to defend your partner and his behaviours towards your son despite the fact your son is obviously aware of some undercurrent.
You acknowledge you would never leave them alone together but don't seem to see this as an issue.
In all honesty it sounds as if you are thinking about yourself more than your son, who at 5 is really just a baby himself.
If you want to stay in your relationship with your current partner then there needs to be another shift in his attitude and behaviours or yes, you should be considering whether being with you full time is what is best for him.
If you don't want to lose him and your partner doesn't change, then surely you need to consider ending the relationship?
It is not unreasonable to want to have time with your son at the weekend, especially as its only one weekend a month.
It is unreasonable to stay with a man who openly resents your son.

She hasn't realised it's not ok. She's still defending him and isn't planning on actually making any useful changes.

When will you be leaving your partner then? Before or after Christmas? Surely you’re not still sleeping with and planning a future with such a cunt? Really?

@Happymum1782 - abusers often double down when their partners are bound to them through eg marriage or shared children etc. So it’s very possible what you saw before was an act. Either way, your H’s behaviour is unacceptable and he is a danger to your older son. You may need to consider divorce. Unfortunately, he will likely weaponise your shared child so you will need to manage this carefully.

I don’t think,your partner loves you, cos if he did he would love your son too your son is part of you. Please don’t let your partner do this to your son.

He love bombed your child, while wooing you. He doesn't need to do this now, hence the change in him once his biological son was born. You also state you don't leave them alone together now, yet needed to post here to see if your upset is reasonable, or not..

This is so desperately sad to read. But unless you are going to leave him then I strongly suggest you give full custody of your elder son, to his father.

What is severely bothering me is that this misbegotten git obviously feels that his feet are so under the table that he actually feels he can raise the subject of not having your son around - he really thinks there's a chance you will agree with him! What I want from you - and I want it very much - is that you send this fucker packing. Send him to the far side of fuck, in perpetuity, and never speak his name again.

That laughing emoji says it all for me. Between that and OP’s determination to rationalise the emotional abuse of a child I’m afraid we’re on a hiding to nothing here. The boy will be conditioned to be anxious and walk on eggshells until he can’t live any other way and no doubt OP will be all astonishment when he resents her later on. It’s quite clear that leaving just isn’t something she’s willing to do, even to protect her son. You can’t ‘counselling’ and ‘parenting class’ your way to atonement for enabling abuse. It’s all nothing if you won’t take the action needed to keep your kids safe and cared for.

I beg you, OP: wake up and wise up.

I feel for you OP but you must be brave and get rid of this man. The abuse will ramp up.

How can you live with a man who hates your son? Your son is totally innocent and has no power - you need to protect him and show him that he comes first.

Is there no difference to you between being happy to have a child full time and also not being a fantastic parent? Plenty of people want their kids full time but it is not the best thing for the kid as their parenting is inadequate. I said I DON’T leave them together not that I WOULDN’T. There is a difference. I choose not to for various reasons not because I believe he would get abused if I did. Your intent is to twist my words so you knock yourself out if that’s what makes you happy

omg - At this point the OP has said SEVERAL times that her DP's behaviour didn't show any issues until after she had their shared child.

Read the goddam posts before sticking the boot in.

Wonderful that your son's dad is such a loving father. Then it really would be better for your son to spend more time there.

A home with one loving parent is way better than a home with one loving parent and another adult who resents your very existence.

Please for the love of god, leave this man, put both your children first and do not get in another relationship for a very long time! As it would appear the way you speak about your first child’s father, you are not making good choices in partners. I’m sure you are a good mum, and maybe lacking in confidence, but this is not a good way for your child to be brought up. Leave !

WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING THIS MAN?

I was referring to his shit excuse for a step dad. As I'm sure you knew.

And do you know why you are getting such different reactions from us than from your counselling sessions? (which by the way well done for going to)

Because your partner is a manipulator - he presents what he wants other people to see - he did it to you, you thought he was great but now you're seeing his true self and he's doing it when figures of authority are present, such as a counsellor. But he can't do it to us because he's not here in the room with us, he can't twist anything or make himself out to be "trying so hard to do the right thing" or whatever crap phrases he employs. We aren't being fooled by him. Listen to us. Please.

He might be loved by you at your home but he is actively being viewed as an obstacle by your DP and not even a member of your family. Your DP is increasing his hatred towards your DS and telling you such in clear words.

How can you bring yourself to sleep with a man like that? Serious question. If you truly love your son how can you lie down in bed beside a man who hates him so openly to you?

This is what isn’t computing for most of us. Rejecting your son and pushing him out should set off us chi huge alarm bells that DP would stop being safe.

You describe yourself how patient and loving he was with DS before DD came along. How can you trust how patient and loving he is with DD, having seen how quickly affection halted and disdain began for DS?