Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

In that case, it would appear that you’ve consistently chosen the fathers of your children poorly.

What’s your plan, now?

I am.

Loving step children: often difficult, often complicated.

But what isn’t complicated is that as a step parent your job is: make the step child feel safe and loved, protect the relationship between the parent and their child. He’s not doing either.

Your bar for protecting your child must not be as high as it would be for a professional.

My partner is a step parent and present, parenting, and active in their life 365 days of the year. Every day. Every evening. Home from work, there’s the kids. We go on holiday, they come with. He provides and cares and has done for years.

I just described what you’ve said and he thinks your DP is disgusting and can’t understand why you’re with him. He can’t cope with being a family of 4 for 1 weekend a month? And you’re defending this??

So when are you going to leave your partner then? Because that is the only acceptable outcome here, given you don't want to give up your child.

Could you please show me where I’ve said I’m a good mother. Those words have never left my mouth and likely never will. I think I’m an average mother who loves her kids very much but I am well aware I have MUCH MUCH room to improve as a mother hence the counselling and parenting courses. I will never stop trying to be a better mother but I am by no means a good mother or the mother I feel my sweet children deserve

My exh went the other way - completely adored my ds from a previous relationship but had literally no time for our dd when she was born and wasn’t very kind to her - barely tolerated her.

Happily staying single now!

This is not a good environment for your boy. You know this. People suggesting he go stay at his dads I feel are just frustrated by the fact you dont seem to be doing anything about the way your partner is treating him. Not a fucking chance id be letting any man treat my son this way.

Have you spoken to your partner about his despicable behaviour? A proper conversation about how this makes you feel and the impact on your son, without just being dismissed as over reacting?

Your poor boy must be wondering what on earth he has done wrong. This is going to affect him. There needs to be a come to Jesus talk with your man and if things don't change you need to leave him and protect your son.

I dont think he will change and this will get worse the older your son gets. He really will start to notice and may well decide himself when hes older that he'd rather go and stay at his dads himself instead of staying in a home where hes treated lesser.

Absolutely disgusting to see you letting your 5 year old be abused. Your parenting is awful.

@IAmKerplunk could that be sexism?

get out asap. What a scumbag.

@Happymum1782 i think there are two seperate issues.

his disciplining is a not my issue really as I think he will be just as bad with his own child when they are older and doing normal child things he doesn’t like. Maybe you are stepping in too much etc. maybe you both need to agree on discipline approaches that will be used in your family unit. Maybe you should ask him not for raised voices to be the first port of call.

my issue is his blatant change in attitude to your son outside of discipline moments. The day to day little moments that he no longer shares with him. The attitude to his partner and his step child in person and out of the child’s way.

Can he not understand or have any empathy that his clear dislike for your child is impacting his partner that he proclaims to love?

Can he not understand that your child growing up in a household where it’s clear his step dad has actual disdain for him the minute his sibling came along is going to be awful for this poor child?

If your partner can’t address or explain why he has done a complete switch on how he treats your child - then maybe he shouldn’t be in your child’s life?

Did you tell them that your partner doesn't want your son to come even one weekend every month? Did you tell them all the horrible things he's said about not wanting him there etc?

so change that and get your kids out of this situation

The first step to being a better mother is putting your child first. Do not accept this attitude from your DP. He can’t actively reject your DS and describe him as not part of your family. Put your foot down. He is your family and there is no family without your DS.

This has really upset me. Imagine being that little boy and being so unwanted?

This will not get any better. It will get worse. At best your son will come through this alive but a mess emotionally.

This would be it for me.

Are you for real? Who is saying don't attend counselling? I'm out of here. There is something very very odd about you. Not good vibes.

But you do know now, so what are you going to do about it?

Indeed she does! Like the hysterical "oh so I should just never see my son again what a horrible thing to say!" post when of course nothing of the sort was said.

It's deflection and diversion and it's actually very worrying - the OP is, post after post, minimising the partner's behaviour "it's only this, it's never that" etc etc, and that is, honestly, hugely concerning - minimising/rationalising such behaviour is tantamount to being complicit in it. And that's a very slippery slope.

He hates your 5 year old son that much, he doesn’t want to be around him? THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM?

So what’s your plan OP? When are you dumping this disgusting excuse for a man?
Your son will grow up hating you if you don’t.

I just have one question for you @Happymum1782 what on earth, (honestly asking here as I truly don't understand the thought process) what on earth, when he said that about your child, possessed you to still want to be with him? What redeeming characteristics does he have that would make you choose your relationship with him over you child?

Constantly, exposing your little boy to your boyfriend's resentment and hostility isn't love. Real love, real actual love for your child means you put them first, often at the expense of your own wants and needs.

You appear to be unable to do this.

Yes. Not the weekend thing as that is a very recent issue. But yes we told them about him saying he didn’t want him there. He told them and the counsellor himself in fact. That he struggles with his feelings as a step parent vs a biological parent. Many of the step parents at that group could relate to him and even the facilitator praised him for being honest. I’m not a step parent so cannot comment on whether that is normal or not

I think your partner should get fucked.

You need to leave him, and put your child first.

“He doesn’t tell DS he hates him, he only says it behind his back. DS won’t ever know.”
”He only gets angry and impatient when with DS b out he makes sure never to be around when DS is home.”
“He only shout at him, he doesn’t hit him”
”he only hit him once and actually he was behaving badly”

You owe it to your DS to tell his father your DP feels that way. Perhaps your ex can take full custody and you and your DP can frolick into the sunset as the perfect family he really wants.