Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

My husband's stepdad was same towards him, treated him just like his own son, until stepdad had a son of his own so I know this happens but honestly he resents your child and will not even hide it. It's incredibly harmful for both your children, get rid of the man.

Put the interests of your children over your wish (which I cannot fathom) to stay with this horrible man.

This doesn’t make it ok OP.
You do seem to be minimising your partners actions and maybe you can’t see atm that his behaviour is emotional abuse. I understand that some step parents don’t feel the same about step children than their own biological children but that doesn’t give him a free pass to say horrible things and try and exclude him from family life. I have step children. They can be hard work but I would never suggest that they shouldn’t be in the house unless they were a danger to the other children or something serious. I can’t understand how you are ok with a partner who puts no effort in with your child and says such things.
If you choose to stay with this man, please don’t ever leave your son alone with him.

Wow he’s horrible and so immature too. If he loves you he must love your son as he’s part of you. You need to have a very serious discussion about this - think it’s line in the sand time. Things have got to change - this is your son. Stick up for him!!

Sorry I have not read the thread as this has shocked me to read.

I really hope this is made up and not real as it’s made me so sad. That poor little boy. Absolutely heartbreaking. If this is real LTB.

OP, Maya Angelou said a deeply profound thing which I think might help you:

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

You didn't know things would go so sour with your partner. You did then what you knew how to do. But now you do know, so you'll do better. You'll find a way to get him as far away from your 5yo as you possibly can. It won't be easy, but short of giving full custody to his dad, which will damage him dreadfully in a different way, I think it's your only choice.

to be fair he has gone from being his “best friend” to having nothing to do with him and being outwardly resentful.. no way he hasn’t picked up on this. You clearly don’t want to leave this turd so not sure what you were hoping to get from this thread

At least his real dad loves him.

And yet it IS OK for your first son to be treated like an old coat by your current partner? THAT is OK?

Your poor son

Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

Your own words, OP. Actions and behaviours tell their own tale. Your son knows perfectly well that he isn’t wanted

OP your son does know, you said it yourself in your 2nd post, he’s picked up on the vibe. You also said your partner snaps at him a lot.
Why ask for advice then spend all day making excuses? This isn’t about social services, or taking your child away. This is about the environment you are choosing for your son. Believe me, he knows.

It's worse that he had a good relationship with your son and withdrew it, than had he never had one at all. What's that teaching your son about attachment? What do you think it has done to his self-worth? What do you think it is teaching him about relationships?

Your younger child will pick up on it very soon if they haven't already.

You need to leave this man.

Not true I can tell my son already has picked up on it. He used to want to spend every waking moment with my partner and now he certainly has a lot less interest in him. I am not stupid. I am well aware both kids will pick up on it. But when you have a partner and other professionals saying you’re over reacting you start to question yourself. We have had counselling for example and I was told I was undermining him when he tells my son off, I was told by the counsellor that I should stop stepping in if my partner is telling the kids off. The counsellor saw nothing wrong with how my partner parents and the raised voice when he is telling him off etc., she saw more issue with me interfering which she felt was undermining his authority. We also did a parenting course at the children’s centre, and there were multiple other parents there who took my partner’s side saying how difficult it was to be a step parent and the internal struggle when you have a biological child and you find it difficult to love the step child to the same extent. I have had a lot of voices in my ear telling me I’m be unreasonable hence the reason for posting

Oh come ON. Now I know you're just making excuses.

You truly believe that your first son doesn't notice how badly he's being treated? And how differently he's being treated in comparison to your second son?

Jesus Christ, woman. Sort yourself out.

I’ve read your responses to other posters OP and I’m not sure what else can be suggested apart from the obvious.

You tell him you’ve noticed a distinct change in behaviour since your shared son has been born and that it’s not on. If it happens again it’s over. Your son comes first.

As far as I can see it’s that simple.

Please do not assume I don’t love my son. That is such an unkind and unpleasant assumption to make. You don’t know me. You don’t have a right to say that I do not love him. His dad loves him, as does his mum and his sibling.

I’ve said multiple times I am aware he notices but he doesn’t “know” stuff my partner has said when he’s not around. How could he tell his teacher or social services stuff that he wasn’t even here to hear, it’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest

This is very upsetting. You are not unreasonable to be upset about your partners attitude. You ARE unreasonable to spend another minute with this shitty man who will make both your children’s lives miserable.

I think the poster means as opposed to the waste of space "step"dad. You do selectively reply, don't you?

It’s called “gaslighting,” @Happymum1782
He wants you to think that his bad behaviour is all in your head instead of right in front of you.

Make plans to leave him. But definitely leave him.

I think the inference was that your dickhead boyfriend doesn't love your son, not that you don't.

I’ve commented on posts like this before coming from the perspective of this child 30 years down the line… he knows, he feels it and once he fully realises you are choosing this man over him by letting it continue he will pull away from you too.
My mum doesn’t have half the relationship with her grandchild now that my in laws do despite them living hours away because for her to see my child I have to tolerate HIS presence and I don’t want to. When she does see him without him there she lies about where she’s been to keep him happy.
That’s what you’re signing up for letting this go on, I didn’t have my real father in my life to turn to so I had to put up with it a lot longer than your son probably will choose to, he’ll resent his sibling too as time goes on so there’s another relationship spoilt because this man decided after getting what he wanted that him and his feelings deserve to come first over a child’s.

FGS, leave your partner! How dare he say your son will ruin his weekend! He’d have been out on his arse the minute he said that if it were me! Get rid of him (partner) and focus on your children.

You can't subject you 5yo to that.

Don't be another woman who chose a man over her child.

My mother stood by and watched me being emotionally abused by two of her successive partners as a child/teen. She would make any number of excuses for them (still will if you ask her), excuses for not leaving, you name it. I have never forgiven her and never will. It has had a profound impact on my mental health that I now recognise will never fully mend. The fact is, my mother preferred to watch me being abused than be single. It makes me so depressed and angry to hear of other kids being set up for what I’ve been through. OP, the consequences of not leaving will be devastating. I hope you’ll choose to protect your little boy from this.