Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

He doesn’t know. These things are said when he is not here. My partner isn’t saying this stuff to the child’s face or in his presence

The projection on here is insane. Theres absolutely no indication this situation is going to escalate to social services involvement or murder!

I am a stepparent with three SC and a BC. You bet I have higher discipline expectations for the older children than my toddler. I also hold oldest SC to higher behaviour standards than youngest SC. That’s normal parenting.

I love SC and always did a lot for them, emotionally and financially. When BC came along, I was suddenly exhausted and broke. I had less to give, in all ways. I had no downtime. Taking time to adjust to becoming a biological, full-time parent is a normal adjustment period.

I too resented spending all my time off work with SC. We did family therapy and I dropped my hours so I can spend guaranteed time with my BC. OH has had to pay more of our household bills so isn’t thrilled but I’m not going to ask that we have SC less, so that’s the trade off.

Good luck OP and hope you work it out with your partner so things improve for you all.

Who gives a fuck about social services? You ARE witnessing a form of abuse!!! and you are doing nothing. You have outlined ways in which your current partner treats your child badly and the fact your child knows. How is that not a form of emotional abuse?

I am so infuriated. Some people don't deserve to have children if they cannot put their welfare first.

If you stay together he actually needs to work very hard on building and improving his relationship with your son.

Not to mention his relationship with bring a father, in a family, given his resentment of family time.
And his parenting and attitude to all kids, since he doesn’t tolerate normal kid behaviour and sees their need to play as interruption of his screen time.
And then he could get to work on his lack of honesty, and abusive blaming of his partner for ‘over reacting’

But agreed, changing his behaviour and attitude to DS1 is an urgent priority.

The real question here is what are you going to do about it?

Yet he’s a better parent to him than your husband is …

what happens when your husband gets bored of your youngest? I bet he will

yiu are downplaying the potential emotional impact of all of this. For a start he should be with you for at least one if not two weekends if he dad is an adequate parent

and your partner either needs to work on it or you get him to leave

stop making excuses

But you admitted that he DOES know because he has picked up on the vibe!!!

leave or give your ex primary custody.

he can have access to his child by himself EOW.

it would be a shitty choice to raise your child in a house where hos very existence is resented, where one child will always be openly favoured and where hello ear the brunt of your partner's temper.

Your partner is emotionally abusive to your son. The harsh comments, the favouritism towards his biological child, the sudden withdrawal of affection, the resentment of your son’s presence in his own home. Believe me, your son is being negatively affected every single day. He may not be able to articulate it, but I guarantee it is having a huge impact on him.

You may want to turn a blind eye to this abuse, but please listen to the people on this thread who grew up in similar circumstances. They know what they’re talking about.

You’ve said your son’s dad is an adequate parent. Well, your current partner is far from being an adequate stepparent. Please do the right thing for your child and split up with this horrible man.

There are no good options for your son if you don’t leave this man. The least damaging option if you’re putting your child’s abuser first, is to hand over your DS to his dad, and you go visit.

I can’t believe you are criticising your child’s father, when you are the one forcing your son to live with a man who dreads him coming home, and who views spending family time with him as ruining his weekend.

Which environment do you think is more damaging to your son?

I voted YABU for staying with this man who clearly resents your child and keeping him in this mess to be abused and made to feel like a nuisance as he gets older.

You need to get rid of this specimen while your child is still plastic. He's going to know.

How's he going to handle his own child at 5 then.
It's bullshit op and the start of a very dangerous path with you carry on.

Yeah I hasn't read that bit so good point.
But I know a lot of men who snap with their own kids too, so I'm not saying it is or it isn't because he is a stepson. I'm just saying dads (and mums) can snap at their birth kids too 🥴 but if it was a pattern or he couldn't bear the child being there, then something would have to happen.

Are you sure? Abusers are very devious and manipulative, I can’t for one moment the oaf is only saying nasty stuff about your DS to you!
You’re not by your DS’s side 24 hours a day.

Your son is being tolerated in his own home op .
Please give your head a wobble and get out .

Do you really think your son hasn't realised his stepfather withdrawing from him, the lack of affection from him, being less patient with him? Especially after being so involved with him before the baby arrived? You cannot be the deluded. You need to end this relationship, this man is abusing your son via neglect. Neglect and withdrawing love and attention is a form of abuse. Look it up.

Question is, will you put your son first and end this relationship? You will regret subjecting him to this man, your little boy has no choice in the matter, you do.

You are being unreasonable for staying with someone who has such contempt for your son. Nothing could make me less attracted to a man who was like this about an innocent child. It’s actually really upsetting.
If your son has to grow up around someone who is so resentful of him he will undoubtedly be damaged by it.

@Happymum1782 I really think this thread would be better in the relationship section, I think you’ll get better and more thought out advice there rather than a pile on.

You need to have a frank conversation with your partner and make it clear your children, both of them, will always be your first priority.

Unless he steps up and becomes a more positive, hands on step parent you will be walking away from the relationship because it’s not acceptable for your son to be unhappy in his own home. He’s no less part of the family than your other son, that’s the package, he should absolutely be spending time with you all at weekends and if your partner can’t deal with that then he’s not good enough and it’s time for him to go. Your son deserves better.

Better for both sons to have a weekend Dad than for one to be emotionally abused.

You really believe your son won’t pick up on the don’t don’t you? You don’t think your son will feel the active resentment blasted in his direction whenever he’s at your house and interrupting the precious family time your DH is trying to have?

"an unhelpful kicking"

No, she's getting people telling her the truth, pointing out that this behaviour could get very much worse and that continuing like this is simply not OK. Sometimes the truth is the only option.

of course he does! he's 5, not an idiot.

step daddy used to do lots with you guys, he was a doting step Dad. then new baby sibling comes along. you battle to give them both 121 time, he instantly changes his attitude. you can pretend 5 to is oblivious but he'll know he's being treated differently. he shouts at him but not his brother. he's moody when you finally have time together as a 4. he doesn't do the things he used to. and it will get worse. bio son will get older and your eldest will increasingly see the disaprity. he's been replaced by a REAL child and now your partner can't wait to get rid.

Your son is just 5 years old. Can you feasibly envisage the next 13 years or so of never being able to spend a weekend with your son because of your partner's resentment of him? Can you imagine how he is going to feel growing up like this? Resentment grows...if it's bad now, imagine how it will be a few years down the line.

Sit your partner down...spell it out...his behaviour is not acceptable. No excuses.

Your poor son.