Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

You keep contradicting yourself. You're refusing to acknowledge what people are saying and flipping the story completely.

^^This. Your poor boy. Why would you have a relationship with a man who resents your firstborn?

She’s getting a verbal bashing because she has introduced into her sons life a man that doesn’t even like him, barely tolerates him and snaps at him.
Instead of advocating for her son and removing him as a presence from is life and just co parenting their youngest, she has called him ‘abit of a twat’ and allowed the situation to continue.

So basically he wants your 4 year old child to be out of his own home for the weekend.
If he doesn't want to see him he can leave ,,,sorry op you are putting a man before your child .
I couldn't touch or even look at a man who showed that sort of contempt for my child .

On its own the Christmas tree thing is maybe not that bad - from the rest, he sounds pretty awful.

You need to leave him. This is the kind of guy who’ll move from nasty words to abuse really quickly

Hi again - maybe go to see a counselor who has experience dealing with conflict between stepfathers and stepchildren. They may be able to offer ways to help your husband's reaction (part of which is not nice but quite natural, obviously not if it escalates to repetitive negative behaviors or worse towards your first born).
I would not leave your first son alone with your husband as a precaution.

And I’m not denying that but I really don’t think social services get involved because a step parent is resentful behind the child’s back. I have a friend who is a social worker in our area and they can barely get involved with the kids whose parents are using heroin in front of them or who are clearly neglected let alone for a “vibe” that a step parent prefers his biological son to the step son

This is sadly all too common as a quick trip to the step parents board will show you.

This is a deal breaker.

He doesn't like your 5 year old and isnt hiding it. Your eldest will grow up and notice this. He'll compare how's treated in comparison to their siblings which isnt fair.

Resenting a small child you've known since they were a baby is not "normal step-parent behaviour", it's a red flag. A giant big one at that.

It’s only a matter of time before your DS can articulate that he knows his step-dad has no time for him and he then won’t want to come home from his Dad’s - what do you think will happen then ?

If your DH doesn’t have time for a 5 year old, do you think he’ll suddenly have a change of heart - he won’t, he’ll become worse and worse and unfortunately your youngest will soon realise they are the favourite golden child and treat your oldest badly too. All facilitated by you. Your poor oldest boy.

Oh my god, why are you even still with him?
You cannot bring your son up in a home where one of the adults makes it clear he doesn't want him there and has no time food him..It will do him horrible damage.
Leave.

@Happymum1782 Well done for recognising this issue and how it could be affecting your son, and for reaching out for advice. Firstly, you need to ensure your partner understands this is serious and as a family you need help to address the problem. The next step is to seek out family counselling. Do not let your partner minimise what he has said; it was an insight into his feelings about your son. It’s serious and it’s potentially enough to destroy your relationship. Your children have to be your top priority; take steps now to address this matter. Your partner is clearly struggling, he needs help to deal with his attitude before it turns into outright hostility towards your child.

@Happymum1782 I was your son in my family and I actually feel really sorry for your son, but also you. I know how much it upset my Mum and for complex reasons she couldn’t leave. I don’t resent her for that.

Have you really spoken to your partner about this before? Told him how much it upsets you? Is he aware he’s treating your sons differently? If you don’t want to or can’t leave him, I really think you need to push for counselling together to deal with this issue. He needs to made aware that this is acceptable and this isn’t okay. If you stay together he actually needs to work very hard on building and improving his relationship with your son.

I actually think you need to look at your current custody arrangement, whilst it might have worked whilst your son was younger, it doesn’t work now. Even one weekend a month with your son is not enough. You should have every other weekend. Both you and your son deserve quality time together. It may actually help the relationship between your partner and your son. At the moment he only sees him briefly after work and school, when I imagine they are both a bit tired and not at their best. Your son isn’t there when things are more relaxed and fun at the weekends, it makes him seem less part of the family.

Your poor little son. Your partner is an utter dick.

like most people seem to be saying… why oh why would you have a child who doesn’t want to be involved your other child’s life???? Just so strange.

Except you have said that he doesn't interact as much when they were 'best friends', that your son has already picked up a vibe from your dickhead AND that your dickhead doesn't like normal child behaviour and gets annoyed by your very well behaved son doing normal things like asking to play.

These are all YOUR words OP. So watching all of this and doing nothing is YOUR failing as a mother. And when your other child grows up your wanker will also not like normal childrens behaviour, so your daughter will suffer too.

But keep defending this whole situation.

So what are you going to do op? What action are you going to take to prevent your son from this man?

*protect

"Right so I should give up my son and never see him again because my partner has been a that?" - you said it yourself - now it's up to you what you do with that information!

You need to drop the focus on "social services won't do anything".... you are his MOTHER! You should be the one doing something. Save this kid from years and years of further misery. Your current partner hates your kid and treats him differently. I am a step-parent and absolutely 💯 I have a different type of love for my biological kids BUT I would never ever have an issue with my stepson living in his own home and spending time with his siblings. He is automatically part of our family outings (we specifically plan them when he is here).

You might think your ex is an adequate parent but honestly an adequate parent is better than a parent who couldn't give a toss. You are allowing your 5 year old to be mistreated by a grown adult. There is zero excuse. ZERO.

So for two years and the age of three your little boy has known that his mother’s partner strongly dislikes, if not actually is abusive towards him? And you have done sweet fa except have a baby?
Poor, poor little boy, he doesn’t stand a chance does he?

Nobody is saying that at all. Now you are just getting defensive, twisting stuff and spouting nonsense. People are trying to impress upon you how damaging this is for your poor little five year old boy. You are very reluctant to see it.

As far as I see it, you have two choices:

1. Leave the dickhead you are currently shacked up with and take both your children with you. You can arrange shared custody and access to your joint child with him without your 5 year old being exposed to him at all.

2. Stay with Dickhead and your shared child. Send your 5 year old to live with his Dad and just arrange regular access visits for yourself when you leave your youngest with Dickhead and go out alone with your 5 year old.

Option 1 would be my favoured one. I wouldn't ever favour a dickhead over my own child!

I don’t think saying that I doubt social services will have an interest is the same as saying I agree with my partners behaviour. He currently has very little to do with my son. Certainly does not ever have him on his own. Social services get involved with abuse or neglect. obviously if I witnessed abuse I would report him myself. My son has two parents who care about him a great deal so he is also not neglected. I am just confused about what social services would do?

OP don’t get dragged in to the debate on social services etc.

It sounds like this is out of the blue. I believe you, men change!

But you get a tough decision now on what to do. You say yourself that your son is already picking up on it, whether or not your partner says these things when he is there. You’ve already called him out on it, and he has shown that he won’t change. Things will get worse, not better. So now, you have to decide what you are going to do. It’s a shit situation, it isn’t fair, but it’s where you’re at and you are the only person who can protect your child.