Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Poor little boy only 5 years old. this is heartbreaking to read.
let him live full time with his dad.

Please don’t let your 5 year old grow up with this negative influence. He will feel it, likely does already. End it with your partner asap, please.

ditch the man. He's never going to accept your son.

Your partner has shown you from the beginning that he didn't really want your son, only you. Yet you've gone on to have a child with a man, who clearly resents your eldest child. Your son will realise that your partner dislikes him and treats him less favourably than his biological child. Your partner decided he wanted to date you, knowing full well that you had a child. He shouldn't have started a relationship with you if he wasn't prepared to accept both of you. Yes, contact has changed with your ex, meaning your son is now at home some weekends, yet your husband thinks that him being in the house, having to spend time with your son is one big massive inconvenience. I honestly feel sorry for your son, because your husband's attitude towards him is dreadful. Poor little boy. You need a frank conversation with your husband and to be pulling him up on his appalling attitude. If his attitude didn't improve, then I wouldn't be staying. I wouldn't be putting up with one of my children being treated as a nuisance, just because he's not my partner's biological child.

Sometimes people on MN jump to LTB too quickly. Not in this case. Ending this relationship is the only option for your son’s sake. He has probably already been deeply affected by his stepfather’s rejection. If you allow it to continue, your son could be permanently damaged and you would be complicit.

I have no respect for anyone who can treat a 5-year-old this way, especially a child he has known since babyhood and one he had a close relationship with previously. How can you bear to be in the same room with this man? I would end the relationship today.

Yes if she is not willing to get this toxic “man” out of her child’s life, I agree best he lives with dad full-time. It’s so damaging. Heartbreaking reading really

But OP if you are not willing to remove this twat from your life then that person is right; your son is not safe with your partner and nor is your youngest. He will do irreparable emotional damage. But if you can't leave him, letting your son live with his dad and you visiting regularly is absolutely the best thing.

This isn't about you. It's about your little boy.

Yes, a good mother would put her child first and allow him live with his loving father rather than have him ignored and othered by her latest partner.

Put your child first. You are a party to his emotional abuse by allowing this to continue.
Hopefully he will tell a teacher and SS will be triggered.

Only 1 poster has suggested you give up your ds to his dad. The majority of posters are concerned about your ds (and you and your other dc because the way your dp behaves impacts all of you and your dc’s relationship with each other)

One day your ds will be old enough to decide where he wants to live and he may well decide himself that living with his ‘adequate’ father is far better than living with his step dad who doesn’t like him.

Leave him, now.

My stepdad was like this with my brother, it only gets worse, much worse.

OP, I was your son once . My mum married my stepdad when I was around 7.
I knew from day one I wasn’t liked . And I always felt in the way and unwanted . And that feeling has carried me for decades .
It’s made me people please all the time , anxious, always feeling like I’m not good enough, suicidal and thinking everyone would be better off without me, alone and has contributed to my mental state.
I honestly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and it breaks my heart your poor poor son is going through this.
Can you imagine being 5 and knowing that the adult man who your mum got with and had another child with doesn’t like you ? And you don’t understand why?
I think when your son gets older he will want to live with his dad full time and he’ll end up resenting you for it . Do you really want that?
Please don’t turn a blind eye to what’s happening.
This creature (he’d obviously not a man) wants you to love your child you have with it more than your first born? Doesn’t mean any your first born to be included in ‘fun’ family activities and lets your son take the blame for everything?
And yet when he goes to his fathers he’s doted on as he should be .
Please do not add to your child’s trauma and either LTB or let him live with his dad full time .
Dont do it for you , do it for your son

Don't be ridiculous. I said nothing of the sort. Who on EARTH mentioned never seeing your son again?

I suggested letting your ex have full custody so that your poor son is safe and wanted and has a home where he feels secure and happy.

Making things up is not going to help.

So what’s your plan then op? Just keep your partner and son separated until your son moves out??

Why aren’t you seeing this for the shitbag situation it is?

It's not just your partner being a twat. You as the mother are clearly not prioritising your son. Okay, fine, but then let him be somebody's priority and let him stay with his dad.

But apparently all you can think of is yourself and your partner.

@Happymum1782
I'm genuinely curious what you hoped to achieve posting this here? You posted in a thread AIBU... everyone responding is agreeing you are not unreasonable, in fact you are probably not angry enough and that your child deserves so much more.

You got into a relationship and got pregnant very very quick for someone with a small child already. As soon as your second son came along your new partner started showing you RED flags. He's continued to show you red flags for the past 2 years.

You posted here because you know he's a dick and ruining your sons life. But all your comments back here are justifying why you've stayed with a horrible bullying man for the past 2 years instead of putting her big girl pants on and putting your children first.

You are ignoring anybody advice and basically trying to justify ruining your 5 years life by saying that your current partner was nice (back when he was trying to get in your bed ffs)! Please please send your son to live with his father full time if you aren't capable of putting him first. I am literally begging you.

Do you know his father and what kind of parent he is? I have to iron and send clothes with him every time he goes there, I have to book activities for them on a weekend. I send his snacks. I do all of the day to day parenting stuff. The homework, the parents evenings, the play dates. Doctors and dentist appointments. I buy all his birthday and Christmas presents and his dad sends me the money. His father loves him a lot but he is not this fantastic amazing parent you are suggesting who would fully admit he could not ever manage looking after our son full time by himself. He wouldn’t dream of taking him away from me and I wouldn’t dream of allowing it.

Your ex should become the resident parent if you are planning on staying with your partner. Your son should be raised by someone who puts him first.

Actually, several posters have. The father - according to the OP - would be happy to have this little boy full time. A home where he is loved and wanted seems awfully better than a steparent who resents his very presence.

OP has said:

'He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child.'

OP says that her son is very well behaved so in no way does he deserve this treatment. Even worse are the awful things that her partner says about her older child. It is absolutely reasonable for this horrible man to be villified and the fact that you are sticking up for him (the only one on the thread to do this) shows that you are lacking a moral compass and are in no position to give parenting advice.

He has changed her tune now and is making out she is useless.

So he has two useless parents apparently.

No you should do the decent thing by your son and leave your partner ffs.

No you are not unreasonable to be upset but your shit of a partner but you’re a fucking whopping great big unreasonable for not leaving him immediately

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what is being said to you is keep your children safe and secure from this man

he is cruel and you by doing nothing are allowing him to be

you can do something and that is leave him, maybe not today or tomorrow by you can do it and need to for the sake of both your children

@Happymum1782You say you wouldn’t dream of allowing your ex to have ds full time, but you would allow ds to live with a man who clearly hates him.

Please leave op, I don’t want to see another child on the evening news that is no longer with us. You might think that is far fetched but it happens a lot.

I think some are being a bit judgemental on here, sometimes women don't see or recognise abuse in a relationship for years, clearly this is a toxic relationship for u, abuse doesn't just come in the form of hitting sum1, its also mental and verbal, I advise u make urself a plan how to leave this man, once u have things in place take ur babies and go also get some help from a lawyer on how to deal with custody ,gd luck