Been dumped with MIL whilst DH works on Xmas - AIBU to be pissed off?

[Otterloverfrenchielady]

we had plans to be away for Christmas and New Year. MIL was joining us for 5 days over Christmas.
Had to cancel those plans, not important why but was disappointing.
New plan, MIL will come to ours, we will go out for Christmas dinner (I didn’t want to cook at home as would end up with extras coming, costs a fortune and no one ever helps).

Mentioned to DH at the weekend that I assumed he would be cancelling some of his AL as we weren’t going away now, he started a drip feed of ‘oh I am struggling for cover so might need to pop into work for a bit on Christmas day’
said I didn’t love this but understood. He also said he was working up to and including Christmas eve, I reminded him his DM was staying.

fast forward and it is now looking like he is going to be working a full or possibly half day EVERY day that DMil is here, including Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day.

so it will just be me and her. I like my DMil but she can be a lot, and we have VERY different political views, and she will constantly bring up politics.

Not to mention I am disabled, have an energy limiting condition and a house guest for 5 days is a lot for me, let alone one alone.

I understand it sucks for DH, but AIBU to feel like I have been dumped on from a great height here?

If you aren't able to do the entertaining then he needs to. If that means he has to take time off of work, so be it. Is it a work issue which meant your original plans have changed? I can't see why he can't keep the holiday he's booked if not. I'm assuming he works for himself as he said he's having problems finding cover?

Tell him to cancel MIL’s visit until he is free.

No way would I sacrifice my Christmas break to entertaining her.

He doesn’t work for himself. He works in a form of adult social type care, the place he works provides 24/7 care. He started this job with this time off pre booked, I suspect he doesn’t want to push that he is entitled to it off, but in reality the buck stops with him (as the boss) so if there isn’t any cover - he has to do it, he can’t just not go in.

I would, but MIL has nowhere else to go, meaning she would be alone in another city on Christmas. I am not that heartless.

Unless you have a great relationship with your MIL, and could rely on her to help with the catering etc, i would cancel her visit. It's really not on you to host and entertain her in your partners absence.

She'll cope, I'm assuming she's aware of your health condition. If so she shouldn't be making demands of your time?

If she is not disabled herself, and is mobile, what are you expected to do for her? She may be able to help you.

We’ll set some boundaries perhaps ?

explain to MIL that your disability means you can’t host like other people would and with DH being out things will be different - do you have kids and if so what ages

Does MiL know, does she want to come on that basis?

Presumably DH will only be working 8(?) hours a day. He needs a defined plan of exactly how he's going to entertain his mother during the rest of the time.

Who are all the "others" who would have turned up if you'd cooked Christmas dinner, can they help entertain MiL?

Will you still go out for dinner? Personally I'd do a good quality ready meal for just two of us.

Can you shorten her visit? I wouldn't want to entertain my MIL on my own.

She is very understanding and won’t be expecting the red carpet rolled out, it’s more it’s another person to think about, talk to, be around.
DC are adults, they didn’t want to come away this year, so have made plans with other family.

My first thought was “who the hell has to “pop” into work on Christmas Day?”

Judging by your follow up about his work told, I’d hazard a guess theres no “popping” in so you might as well write the day(s) off.

Id probably suck it up for MIL to come and eat on Christmas Day but after that, I’d make a plan to “pop” to the Boxing Day sales, meet a mate for lunch etc. I’d keep my plans to myself and dump it on him like he’s dumped his plans on you.

Maybe by a day, but as there is limited public transport over xmas it will be at least 4 days

She’s a grown woman, I’m sure she’ll be fine.

Sorry I pressed you are being unreasonable in error. You are most certainly NOT! Your husband needs to step up and either get the time off work or cancel the visit.

What is his equivalent of full/half days? My time in residential social care with 24hr cover was 7/14 hours respectively, and if he was proposing 14hr shifts I would have something to say about it, 7 hrs were 7-2/2-9 so an early wouldn't have felt too bad, although I can absolutely see why you're put out. How long does the commute add, does he work locally?

I also get his dilemma, we had occasions where I worked when I really shouldn't have had to because it was the residents who would have suffered and if he's in a role where the buck stops with him, it's really difficult to leave those rota gaps uncovered - could he ask about seeking agency cover for at least some? Approach any of his team directly rather than easily ignored mass emails explaining the situation? We had similar one year, when one resident was too unwell for their Xmas plans so stayed instead of being on home leave and we have to scrape together 24hr care for him with about 3 days notice. When our manager highlighted the situation, several agreed to divide the shifts up equally because they can see all being inconvenienced once was fairer than making our poor manager and night manager working back to back shifts all over Xmas.

If he is actively trying to troubleshoot and not getting anywhere I would be sympathetic, less so if he is just martyring himself at the sake of having to make potentially unpopular decisions.

As for MIL, is she the sort that expects waiting on hand and foot? If it's just a few hours, could you not just pop the telly on, read a book, and co-exist for a few hours In the way you both would have in your own homes, just together for company? It doesn't need to be 5 days of hosting and intense conversation!

I won’t bother going out if it is just us. You are right, quality ready meal or takeaway is a good call.

Dsil, her new partner will probably invite themselves, and then Dsil with a heart of gold for volunteering other people will suddenly have so and so from the pub who is going to be alone, family friend who is elderly and alone and has always invited in the past etc. It has happened before, and I suddenly have 10 instead of 5 etc. I have to have a hard boundary there or I know exactly what will happen.

she is hosting her new partner in her 1 bed flat, so Dmil can’t go there, and I have no interest in spending the day with them.

I may suggest she goes there for Christmas day time and open a bottle of fizz and order a curry. I suspect it will somehow get turned into them coming to me, or get bullied into me going there, which is an absolute no as I can’t stand Dsil partner

Is there any one else MIL would go to if she wasn't coming to you?

Would you mind being on your own if MIL's visit is cancelled, or shortened? Is there anyone else you could be with instead?

One thing to consider is that this is likely to be your Christmas for the foreseeable future, so long as your husband is in this line of work. Be careful what expectations you set this year, as you will be setting yourself up for future years.

It is similar to how you have described, more that there needs to be x no of staff on site at all times. There are gaps because of holidays (a bit of martyring imo and a bit of just how it has fallen)
shift will be 6/12 hours. If a full day 12.
and that is also why I feel awful being pissed, as the people he cares for have a far worse life and past than I, I know I am privileged.
DH is actually very good, does 80% cleaning. Shops, helps me physically at times etc with no complaints.

I wouldn’t mind if it was just Christmas day. DC are grown and it is just a date. It is the being in / there every day she is here. And every day over Christmas.

Presumably he'll get the New Year off will he?

In which case I would just get to DH to say to MIL - so sorry, I have work over Christmas so we're going to do our Christmas a week late and looking forward to you joining then.

There is literally no point in guests for Christmas if he's not there, it's not heartless it's just a practical delay.

He may not be able to help working, but have a firm conversation with him about clear communication - he cannot just drip feed that he has to work, it's manipulative - he needs to tell you straight that he isn't around so you can make arrangements.

Very good point. Next year I am taking myself to a spa.

I am fine being alone, I am alone at home most of the time and like my own company.

I don’t have anywhere else for Dmil to go this year, and I am not leaving an elderly woman on her own for Christmas

I have had this convo last night. His boss is now on AL until next Tuesday, so no firm answer until then.
he is fully aware that I am not OK with this, and I know he is between a rock and a hard place, but I am still pissed off

Have you got any friends who might be at loose ends who you can invite over for drinks, mince pies etc from time to time over the days? Friendly women who will put in some legwork talking to MIL in the 'spirit of xmas'? Just to break up the endlessness of it, and give her a better variety of human contact?

Can she do Eve-Boxing Day rather than 5 days? How near are you all geographically? Dinner with SIL Xmas Eve, then drop over to you or similar? (Or they take over on Boxing Day?)

Hang on, so your MIL has a daughter? No way would I be spending five days with your MIL when her own daughter should be sorting her out. Take yourself off somewhere nice instead.