Been dumped with MIL whilst DH works on Xmas - AIBU to be pissed off?

[Otterloverfrenchielady]

we had plans to be away for Christmas and New Year. MIL was joining us for 5 days over Christmas.
Had to cancel those plans, not important why but was disappointing.
New plan, MIL will come to ours, we will go out for Christmas dinner (I didn’t want to cook at home as would end up with extras coming, costs a fortune and no one ever helps).

Mentioned to DH at the weekend that I assumed he would be cancelling some of his AL as we weren’t going away now, he started a drip feed of ‘oh I am struggling for cover so might need to pop into work for a bit on Christmas day’
said I didn’t love this but understood. He also said he was working up to and including Christmas eve, I reminded him his DM was staying.

fast forward and it is now looking like he is going to be working a full or possibly half day EVERY day that DMil is here, including Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day.

so it will just be me and her. I like my DMil but she can be a lot, and we have VERY different political views, and she will constantly bring up politics.

Not to mention I am disabled, have an energy limiting condition and a house guest for 5 days is a lot for me, let alone one alone.

I understand it sucks for DH, but AIBU to feel like I have been dumped on from a great height here?

That’s a shame, but glad you think sil will have a day out with her. Perfect!

wasting people’s time like your reply is wasting people’s time?

I am not holding a gun to your head and making you read and comment on my post 🙄

I didn’t volunteer to host on my own for 5 days. A series of events changed things.

I was looking for some useful advice, which I got, understanding, solidarity, maybe some reassurance that it would be ok and that it does suck.

the thread is called - am I being unreasonable, not - please solve my life for me.

Your DH needs to speak to his mother and advise her before she comes that the house is a Politics free zone.
He needs to tell her to bring books/tablets/magazines with her to entertain herself. She goes to sil, or your sil takes her out fior a couple of the days, Eat out on Christmas day. Have things like cold meat and soup etc in the fridge and MIL can do her own breakfast and lunch. Have a look at the tv schedule and plan some films to watch etc.

I understand where you are coming from, but it’s not that, I have seen the rotas.
its 2 in 7-7 and 1 in 7-7 overnight
because of this there are only 3 day staff, 1 is in but the other 2 had ore booked (before he started) holidays
they don’t use agencies, they have a pool of ‘bank staff’ to cover usual holidays, but unsurprisingly no one wants to work it, and it isn’t paid any hirer (out of his control) so no incentive to work.

Yep, she’s blocking any and all ways out of this, so it'll be no surprise if the whole lot of DH’s family turn up on Christmas Day.
But if so, there'd better be no whingeing about it afterwards! She has every opportunity to spare herself, if she’d only speak up.

Has your partner told his mother that he won't be around - if not, she should be given the option of not coming, especially if she can come at some other time. You know your family so I'm guessing you don't think that's the case but it just might be worth checking?

That's a shame! We have a bank staff pool as well as agencies. The place I work now is large and we don't struggle for cover because all the bank and agencies here (Newcastle) all want to work! So it'd never fall on me to work if I wanted my bank hols off, but I work them anyway!

That being said I hope you get it sorted. I would not want to be in this position myself. 5 days is a long time and my mantra on guests is they are like fish, great at first but they go off and unappealing after a couple of days 🤣

The only option is to univite mil. Seriously do you lot have no heart?

Haha very true

like I say it will be fine it’s just a shitty situation all round.

where dh works only has 4/5 sites all with similar staffing, so everyone was after the same bank staff, all in the same position :/

I hope you enjoy your Christmas with your residents/ clients in your own way :)

I came here ready to be enraged about yet another useless husband, but it actually sounds like your one is alright 😂 A bit of annoying situation, but what else can you do really? I'd just stick the telly on and get my knitting out and tell her to help herself to snacks in the fridge and just chill out in companiable silence..?

piffle

OP has been VERY clear that she is not leaving an elderly woman on her own at christmas just because the best laid plans went awry.

She wanted to vent, has done that, and received some good replies.

For me the only remaining issue is if SIL turns up to do anything other than take MIL out for a couple of hours, and that is on OPs DH and MIL to fix, and reiterate that SIL will not be staying for longer than the time it takes MIL to get her outside clothes on and grab her handbag.

This thread has been a real eye-opener. I guess the letters MIL just send some people into a tailspin.

Yes, you have been dumped on from a great height.

In his mind, the females are sorted and can amuse and entertain each other.

And he's wriggled out of the kinkeeping duties.

I'd message MIL and ensure she knows her son has ducked out of spending time with you both.

I assume she's aware you're disabled? I'd then be saying how grateful you'll be for some help round the house over Christmas, as son/husband has wriggled out.

And I'd be discussing with him exactly what preparations he himself will be making to make his mother feel more welcome, as he has decided to absent himself from his FAMILY and prefers to spend time at work than with his WIFE AND MOTHER AT CHRISTMAS.

Cleaning?

Setting up the guest room?

Menu planning, food shop and cooking over five days?

How will he contributing to his mother's visit?

he is actually an absolute diamond usually. It is just a rubbish situation.

Thank you!

go out and touch some grass. That is not this scenario here.

In fairness he is between a rock and a hard place with work.

He already does most of the cleaning and bed making, he isn’t one of those ‘it’s women’s work’ type of men.

She knows he ‘might have to work’
once his exact hours are confirmed I will be doing this

YABU to talk about another human being in the way you talk about your MiL.

I feel your pain, OP. I’d suggest contacting SIL now to explain the situation and asking her which of the days she will be able to host her mum, to break it up a bit. Two days out for her at SIL’s would be nice and is the least SIL can do here. Nail her down to a plan.

In what way? I love my Mil, I haven’t said anything derogatory about her?

No, being angry isn't unreasonable. But given your firm stance on the matter it's a total waste of negative energy. Drinking poison isn't going to make someone else ill. You'll be the one vomiting and they won't care.

If you want a sympathetic ear and a sounding board some Mumsnetters are happy to provide that. Others will see it as pointless if it doesn't provide any practical solutions.

I'm not going to advise you against something you've made it clear you'll be doing. It's your life and the way you respond is up to you.

WTF? OP has been very nice in the way that she has spoken about her MIL and has repeatedly said that she wouldn't leave her alone at Christmas. It is the situation that she is unhappy with, not her MIL.

You sound lovely OP.

And it's OK to be frustrated with a less than perfect situation.

I also have conditions that mean it's tough to have visitors for long - I am fine with being a sparkling hostess for a few hours, but then crash and need to be horizontal.

Could your DH speak to MIL beforehand and explain that your illness is flaring and that means you need to have regular naps atm, so she should bring a book, or a jigsaw, or knitting or something to amuse herself so you can disappear and lie down every afternoon? If he lays it on thick enough she might end up busily making sure you go to bed and don't exhaust yourself.

Do what my Uber organised daughter does. You've got a month. Batch cook meals and freeze to thaw and fit in with your DH schedule. You can do the same with mince pies, puddings. Do a daily menu for the evening meals. For lunch it's soups, cheese board, fruit. Do the graft now and defrost over Christmas period.

This is a really good idea. She is pretty understanding, I just feel like I have to be ‘on’ you know. But I need to get past that (internal ableism- am I right)
you’ll get how hard it is, even if we do very little, to just not have that regular peace and routine and keep in my body’s limits. I know I am going to crash, and crash hard as soon as it’s all done, which will be when dh is off, and we can actually go do something. I just feel like it’s going to be weeks stuck in the house.
it’s hard to explain to people without chronic illness as I can’t just push on, well I can but I will severely pay for it.
having someone else there to take some of the attention is such a big difference.

I am rambling. Thank you for understanding and ideas :)

DH and I did a 2.5 week holiday last year which had 3 days in the middle where he was "working" by being a guest of honour at a big festival - and so I was Mrs Guest of Honour and had to go on tours and sit at dinners. Afterwards we were staying in a beautiful lakeside chalet for 3 days, and I spent the 2nd day unable to get out of bed - he had to help me to the loo!

People with good health never understand how exhausting it is to be "on" and not being "on" feels like giving up...

I am slowly learning to give myself grace and not feel guilty about taking the rest my body needs. If you need permission to do the same please do take it from an internet stranger who gets it.