Been dumped with MIL whilst DH works on Xmas - AIBU to be pissed off?

[Otterloverfrenchielady]

we had plans to be away for Christmas and New Year. MIL was joining us for 5 days over Christmas.
Had to cancel those plans, not important why but was disappointing.
New plan, MIL will come to ours, we will go out for Christmas dinner (I didn’t want to cook at home as would end up with extras coming, costs a fortune and no one ever helps).

Mentioned to DH at the weekend that I assumed he would be cancelling some of his AL as we weren’t going away now, he started a drip feed of ‘oh I am struggling for cover so might need to pop into work for a bit on Christmas day’
said I didn’t love this but understood. He also said he was working up to and including Christmas eve, I reminded him his DM was staying.

fast forward and it is now looking like he is going to be working a full or possibly half day EVERY day that DMil is here, including Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day.

so it will just be me and her. I like my DMil but she can be a lot, and we have VERY different political views, and she will constantly bring up politics.

Not to mention I am disabled, have an energy limiting condition and a house guest for 5 days is a lot for me, let alone one alone.

I understand it sucks for DH, but AIBU to feel like I have been dumped on from a great height here?

They are at my Dsis with her husband, kids and ILs. I am not putting on her to invite me and my IL, she has enough to cope with and is already working in the morning.

Can’t she just come for one or two nights if your DH won’t change his work pattern? He doesn’t care about spending time with her!!

No, you are doing the right thing not to leave her alone at Christmas.

But would it be too awful to suggest she shortens the visit? She knows you are disabled, and when you add that DH won't be there, she might see that as a reasonable compromise.

She is reliant on trains. So latest she could come is 24th, no trains on boxing day so earliest she could go is 27th.
she has already booked trains and one day isn’t going to make that much difference

I don’t hate her. We get on, but it is a lot having 5days and also DH not being present for any of xmas

He actually adores his DM and isn’t happy about the situation, but he has also in part created it. As others have said I think there was some people pleasing going on without thinking it through

Well I think just give her the heads up that it may not be the hosting you'd have liked to give her. Ultimately, the main thing is she isn't alone. If she needs to be the one to put the kettle on from time to time, I don't think that's a big deal.

It's a pain about your DH, but it sounds to me as though you and MIL can manage this with warmth and honesty.

OP, I have read all your posts, and it seems to me that the problem is as much your SIL and her infinite capacity to invite strays and hangers-on as having to put up with your MIL for five days. Even if it’s just you and MIL, I would definitely go out for Christmas dinner - not only does it give you something to do, it also stops you from being lumbered with other people - you say in your first post, “I didn’t want to cook at home as would end up with extras coming, costs a fortune and no one ever helps.” This is what will happen if you don’t go out. You need to put in place very clear boundaries- sorry, SIL, you can’t come over because we’re going out and it doesn’t work for me. If she pushes, I’d say very plainly that she can’t come unless DH is at home. As far as MIL’s politics are concerned, make it clear that you don’t appreciate being lectured about the budget/immigration/welfare/the NHS/whatever her particular bugbears are, and if she starts, then pointedly leave the room, or just say, MIL, you know we disagree about this so I’m not talking about it. I tiptoe round my DIL because I know she regards me as a reactionary old has-been, so much better to steer clear of contentious subjects!
Speak to DH and tell him to have a word with his DM - I doubt she actually wants to come and upset you! And cling to your boundaries with all your might and main - it’s up to you where the lines are drawn, and to make clear to your DH that if you are having to put up with HIS mother when he isn’t even there, then you’re doing it on your terms.

This is actually really helpful and on the money, thank you.
We will be fine. It will be fine, I am just pissed off 😆 and need to vent.

All advice useful apart from DH talking to DMil, they are worse with politics than I am, he engages and she calls him a left wing nut job. I can and do shut down the conversations, you are right, it is just exhausting the thought of it all.

and not fair, and I want to stamp my feet a bit

You are right. This has given me some perspective.
we will be fine. I am just annoyed! I know in my heart there isn’t a solution, and I am not looking for one, just a bit of validation I guess that it is a rubbish position to be in.

I wouldn’t leave someone on their own at Christmas unless they wanted to be, and definitely not family. I’m glad you wouldn’t do that. Perhaps you could tell her when she arrives that Christmas is a politics free holiday and if she mentions it there will be forfeits - eating a cold sprout maybe, or downing a shot if she’s a happy drunk. 😬 Make the point in a cheerful way and stick to it.

As soon as your husband returns from work, go and lay down in your bedroom for a while. Not a full on nap just a decompression.

I hope whatever you find to handle this turn of events works out ok and you all have a happy Christmas

I’d be fed up too. But it seems inevitable that you will be with MIL alone during the day.

To save your sanity, set expectations with MiL she can “make herself at home”. Less of a guest to be hosted, more a temp flatmate.

Invite her to cook a meal for you all - she might like to be useful? Draft a menu plan, buy the stuff. This includes takeaways. 😀.
Show her the local supermarket is so she can top up the snacks stash. Keep your choc in your bedroom, for scoffing when you need a lie down or read a book!

Watch TV, slug about or do what ever you want to do. She might be happy watching tv with you.

You are not responsible for entertaining all the time.
Im a very lazy host and expect folk to fill their own time. I supply food, a bed and my sparking company.

It is a bit frustrating , and I'm sorry to hear it has gone this way.

But you and she have both been thrown in it together. I don't think she'd have chosen this exact scenario either.

Just be honest with her about what you can manage, while still being welcoming.

Who knows: it may develop the relationship positively for you.

Thank you ☺️

Love this.

It absolutely is not right on her either, I am very aware of that. I know she will now feel like a burden and probably a bit pissed off at both her kids, I would be if it were mine!

we will muddle through.

I am in my 70's and would be quite happy to be alone. Being "elderly" is neither a reason nor an excuse. Is she generally fit and ok?

I think posters don't want you to martyr yourself that is why they are suggesting uninviting her, your husband has nominated you hostess for 5 days without a thought, this is what pp are talking about and it isn't such a bad thing that she doesn't visit for the full 5 days.

i get the impression that you like your MIL, she likes you and she is not going to impose much and would be a welcome guest?

So i would stick with her being there, your DH will not be working 24/7? so when he is there, he is entertaining his mum. Get as much takeaway or pre-prepared food.

Be clear to mil, sil and DH that there are to be NO OTHER GUESTS at that time, and stay firm. If they turn up? you tell them to leave. It sounds harsh, but you need to get on top of this now.

She is, I didn’t mean to make her sound frail. She has a full life, but I also know she wouldn’t want to be alone on Christmas, last year she invited herself on holiday with us.

@Otterloverfrenchielady you haven't answered why you can't just spend the day with your mum and/or dad, instead?

That is really poor taste irrespective if you're now divorced.

I do, in small doses. In fact I struggle to interact with anyone in large doses 😆

It is just a lot to have to be ‘on’ for all that time, even when DH was around. It’s extra being on when you are the only other one there.

to put it into perspective, if I shower for too long it can send me into a symptom flare up, so imagine having another person, even one you like, there 24/7 with little to no other people to take the conversation burden.

yes he won’t be working 24/7 but probably 9/10 hour days. 12 at worst. Then he needs to sleep, doesn’t leave a lot else

I have. My dad and SMum are going to my sisters, she has her husband, kids, in laws and is working the morning shift. I am not putting on her to also host me, plus my mil.

my brother is hosting my mum and sDad - who I have very very low contact with.

its the end of November, they have already made plans

Dsil, her new partner will probably invite themselves, and then Dsil with a heart of gold for volunteering other people will suddenly have so and so from the pub who is going to be alone, family friend who is elderly and alone and has always invited in the past etc. It has happened before, and I suddenly have 10 instead of 5 etc.

Just make this an absolute no, OP. No to DSIL and partner, and absolutely no to random hangers-on, whether your husband there to help or not. If someone else wants to be 'charitable', they can do it by spending their own time and money, not yours.

Buy some posh food, as pre-prepped as possible so it can just be chucked in the oven. Keep telly on to divert from political arguments. I'm sure you'll have a lovely day.

Aw OP, I get that you are trying to do the right thing by MIL and just want a rant about the unfairness of being dropped in it. In terms of making the stay a bit more bearable, are there any activites that you can have up your sleeve so that you're not the whole focus of MIL's entertainment? Depending on what your family is into, it could be something like having a little pile of books / magazines out (charity shop if you don't have any suitable ones) that MIL could pick up, a jigsaw out on the dining table that you can both do bits on, board /card games? Or anything out of the house like walks (you can say you're popping out for a walk and MIL is welcome to join if she wants). Whatever works for you really, but have something for MIL to do so that she's not dependent on you to keep occupied. Best of luck!