Been dumped with MIL whilst DH works on Xmas - AIBU to be pissed off?

[Otterloverfrenchielady]

we had plans to be away for Christmas and New Year. MIL was joining us for 5 days over Christmas.
Had to cancel those plans, not important why but was disappointing.
New plan, MIL will come to ours, we will go out for Christmas dinner (I didn’t want to cook at home as would end up with extras coming, costs a fortune and no one ever helps).

Mentioned to DH at the weekend that I assumed he would be cancelling some of his AL as we weren’t going away now, he started a drip feed of ‘oh I am struggling for cover so might need to pop into work for a bit on Christmas day’
said I didn’t love this but understood. He also said he was working up to and including Christmas eve, I reminded him his DM was staying.

fast forward and it is now looking like he is going to be working a full or possibly half day EVERY day that DMil is here, including Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day.

so it will just be me and her. I like my DMil but she can be a lot, and we have VERY different political views, and she will constantly bring up politics.

Not to mention I am disabled, have an energy limiting condition and a house guest for 5 days is a lot for me, let alone one alone.

I understand it sucks for DH, but AIBU to feel like I have been dumped on from a great height here?

You sound lovely, OP, as i said you need to be clear with DH and MIL about how this is going to go down (I get his issue with work, one of my DC works in adult care and they are not allowed vacation over the whole of Christmas/NY although they do try to accommodate asked-for shifts and allow safe shift swapping)

You, your DH and your MIL need to be very very explicit with SIL about what she is not allowed to do. If she turns up: do not even open the door, and MIL doesn't get to open the door either (except to leave with SIL)

It is just one of those things, and it's not really a matter of your DH simply shirking and dumping this on you. His line of work is like this, and as boss it is absolutely down to him to make sure it runs smoothly.

Good luck

Thank you,
oh I will. I have made that mistake before, thus why I refuse to cook and host now.

You seem to accept your husband is working instead of using his annual leave that he has given up, so you might need to lower your "hosting" standards and mil can entertain herself for a few hours.

Thank you,
it’s exactly this. He is trying to do the right thing, which isn’t right by me, but is in no way selfish.
doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck though.

I think I just needed a rant :/

I am lovely, too lovely for my own good :)

I don't think people really are too lovely for their own good op!

A lot of people - especially on here - are very hot on their "rights" to not be lovely but in the long run it doesn't seem to me to to leave them any happier.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

I didn't say anything about your MIL. Leave your MIL to her own devices. You can spend Christmas yourself with your family.

🙄 what did you think people would say?

Scratch that, what response were you hoping for?

If not a solution, then what? Empathy for choosing to host someone for 5 days? Because it is your choice, you don't get praise for hosting a nice old lady.

We all make Christmas compromises, we just don't clutter the Internet wasting peoples time by moaning about it.

Just get wiith life.

Sil has one bedroom- you’d honestly nedd more of an excuse than ‘nah can’t be arsed’ which is what the op’s boils down to (and I’m all sympathy with that op despite how I’ve phrased that)
and most of us who’ve been married for some time and generally rub along would not uninvite our elderly mil so she’s alone for Christmas, we just wouldn’t. I have very healthy boundaries but I wouldn’t do that. It’s a fine line between boundaries and just being an asshole sometimes and doing that would cross it.

This.
I can think of nothing worse than entertaining alone at Christmas.

Would it be feasible for dh to take her to work with him one of the days?

I guess it depends on the nature of the job but if, for example, he works in a care home, she could go in on a Christmas lunch day and set the table, decorate etc as a volunteer.

Also, have a conversation with SIL and get her to take MIL out for the day on one of the days - doesn’t have to be Xmas day - they could do the Boxing Day sales for example.

Plus dh has to take her out somewhere on his half days so that you can have a rest.

I would ask MIL now what films or series goes she fancy watching whilst you 2 are together chilling.

Working all of Christmas?

OP i am with you! Not unreasonable to be pissed off at all.

And it definitely warrants a very firm conversation with DH.

it is perfectly normal to want a rant or to vent about a situation that has come up, so rant away.

"too lovely for your own good" is also "being a dormat/people pleaser" and you need to stop that. Just generally lovely is fine.

When my DH or DC or anyone is venting to me about something, i will often step in right at the beginning and ask what they want: shoulder and tea, and me nodding in sympathy/empathy? do they want me to agree and vent with them? or do they want me to help them find solutions? do they want me to find solutions and help them implement them?

I think OP is right to let it out here, since neither DH or MIL can really do anything about the situation. (solutions for SIL however, really ought to be implemented)

You say the cutting the visit down by a day wouldn’t make much difference. I would argue that every little helps and it is worth doing. 3 days is much easier than 4 or 5, they are two days you could have back to yourself to spend as you please. For the remaining three days have lots of ideas up your sleeve - films, activities, ideas for short trips out to keep the day moving along, ways to do things separately at home - can you work on a joint list to try to find common ground?

YANBU to be royally fucked off. But if your moral compass doesn’t permit you to cancel, then cutting down and planning to make the best of it is probably your best option.

This. No way would I be agreeing to that - she comes when he’s available.

Op, you have my sympathies. My DH is a support worker and I used to work in retail, we have had many years of the Christmas juggling of shifts as he is working, I am off and vice versa. People always called in 'sick' and management does get the shitty end of the stick. The arguments dh and I always had was why does he have to go, he isnt management etc. No one is happy with our choices, it was a stressful time and the arguments we had got legendary. One year, I told my in laws where they could get off as no, we couldnt go up, no we didnt want them visiting as we were living in a rented 1 bed upstairs flat that was the size of a cupboard and no, we were not going elsewhere as auntie dot needed to be popped in on as its Christmas and we had been 'volunteered' as auntie dot was a miserable cow who enjoyed making everyone run around after her.
I know its no help, I have no suggustions for you but I feel the rage and understand your point.

😱

Thank you!
people can give it the big ‘well I would’ but in reality it isn’t her fault either and I am not an asshole

Fair point, thanks

Thank you :)

I think I just needed to vent some rage and solidarity helps ❤️

Appreciate this.

Call it as it is, Op.
MIL can help herself to breakfast and tidy her own room etc.

Explain that you have a chronic condition that means she will need to be quite self sufficiant.
Book the Christmas meal out. Ask SIL if they are coming and tell her that no extras can be added.

Go about your days as you would like and have a book and things to be busy with. Show MIL the bookshelf and be friendly.

Require DH to shop for and cook for all guests on the evening of Christmas Day and on Boxing Day. Mark his responsibilities down in a visible place with fair warning so that he can plan his work hours without upsetting family plans. He could drive MIL around with him when he has chores.

A meal out will be perfect.
Coupled with a few gifts, a Christmas tree and a restful few days your MIL will be fine. Claim your own space when you need it but also organise a memorable game of cards or Christmas movie to have some sweet moments together.

Unfortunately not, h&s / risk assessed- it is a high risk environment.

like the idea of giving SIL some set days, as I am sure she will see her, and making it clear I won’t be joining so I can have some rest time.

thanks, this is helpful

I work in a place that sounds similar to your DHs and provide 24/7 support. I've chosen to work every day between 23rd-27th December because I don't want to be around family/in laws. I could have had the time off if i wanted but it's extra pay and I get to avoid the things I don't want to do! Christmas is a tough time for me and I find it hard being around loads of people.

Is there a possibility he doesn't want to be around his mother and he is choosing to go in? Depends on the company but I just can't see he would be expected every day and would be due some time off. We work with agencies to provide support if full time staff can't come in. It wouldn't really be the managers responsibility to come in normally on bank holidays especially. But, whatever company your H works for could be different but I have worked for 2 seperate ones doing this kind of work, one large and one small, and both places would use agencies instead of full time staff in this scenario, not the service manager.