I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

And I don’t know what I can do about it

I have very fine hair. It’s like baby hair. It’s nothing health wise (I’m not losing it), there’s a lot of hair on my head but each strand is just so fine. I can’t style it or do anything with it. I have to get extensions to feel comfortable wearing it down. I take all the supplements and use all the serums but it doesn’t change a thing.

My teeth are crooked but I can’t afford braces. I didn’t qualify for braces on the NHS as a child and my parents wouldn’t pay for them because they thought my teeth “added character”. Now whenever I smile it looks like I’m missing a tooth at the front. I don’t smile with my mouth open because it just looks awful.

im fat, I’ve lost nearly 150 from my heaviest but I’m still a size 16-18. Nothing looks good on me and I want to hide my body all the time. I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

I could do with a nose job, my nose is crooked and big, but I can’t afford it.

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive. I’ve tried all the dating apps but whenever I suggest meeting up with a guy he turns round and says no because he’s not feeling it. I try to meet people in person but nobody is even interested in talking to me.

it just feels like it’s been such a long time on my own already, the thought of doing another 50 years on my own just fills me with dread. I just want to cry when I think of my future because I feel like I’ll never meet anyone because I’m just genuinely ugly.

As it's coming up to Christmas, lots of places are having Village Christmas Fairs.. are there villages near you where you could get a stall and sell some cakes or anything else you bake? It could be the start of saving for braces....

NRTFT but you can buy excellent wigs on Etsy. Transforms the appearance.

I'm not going to address the self esteem issue but on the hobby front may I suggest switching from baking to soap making? This creates a longer lasting, inedible product that has you being exposed to essential oils and still using your creative skills to make delicious (smelling) and seasonally themed products.

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers I’m another one with really fine hair - I’ve got loads of it but it doesn’t ‘do’ anything! Doesn’t hold a curl, doesn’t stay in a clip, is so slippy hats slide up and off my (massive) head! I’ve had to accept that the long, blow dry styles that come in and out of fashion won’t work on me and focus on finding a cut and shape that suits my hair and my face. A slicked back ponytail/bun is my best friend on days I don’t have time to do anything else with it.
I think it’s really hard for women these days as social (and other) media present such a narrow vision of female beauty, there is so little meaningful diversity that if you don’t fit that standard it’s hard to feel like you fit in. It also doesn’t help that so many men seem to have never interacted with a woman in real life and think what Andrew Tate tells them is true 🙄
You sound like a you are smart and brave - it takes balls to walk away from a career you’ve trained your whole life for and define a new path, many people could not bet on themselves the way you have. Keep going, you can do it!

But OP, the key thing that’s only emerged in dribs and drabs throughout your subsequent posts is not your looks but the fact that you’ve struggled with your MH, self-harming etc from at least your early teens. That’s a crucial bit of background to how you feel about your appearance right now. Working hard with a good therapist would be transformative for you.

I'm ugly and overweight too, but I've never had issues getting men. It's your attitude - very 'woe is me'.

Did you see how stunning Emma Stone looked in Bugonia with a shaved head? It suits lots of people. If you hate your hair try it, it will always grow back.

And I'll bet you aren't even half as ugly a you think you are.

Have you tried hypnotherapy to build your self esteem? I’m on no way conventionally attractive but never had issues with men, you like watching sports, and baking - that’s an immediate win for most men!

People like op who are so harsh on themselves tend to also be very critical of others, so her male equivalent of suitors that some people suggested dating wouldn't do, she probably wants the fittest men yet push them away if they express any interest because she wouldn't believe it even if it were genuine. It's a self fulfilling prophecy of 'nobody wants me and it will never get better'.

Life is what you make it!

I can only add I have had terrible hair all my life- fine curly and knotty. Now at the age of nearly 60 I looked round my bathroom at all the products and thought Fk It. So now I have it cut really short and bleach the fk out of it!

I really feel for younger women today because it seems like there is only one way to look - Kardashian- and you have to be pretty brave to stand against the type.

Op, another thing to consider and perhaps understand is that all the extra weight you used to carry was caused by your overeating which suggests that you are an emotional eater. Emotional eaters squash down feelings with food which makes dieting hard because when they stop overeating they are swamped by a rush of emotions - imagine all those years of repressed emotions suddenly coming to the fore! That would be hard for anyone to deal with let alone a sensitive person. This is where therapy comes in and/or try a support group like recovery dharma (which uses meditation).

depending on where you are you can self refer for NHS talking therapy via IAPT. They do an assessment and if you’re depressed I’m sure they can arrange medication too. Have a look for your local service. You need to tell them all of what you said above.

your problem is not your looks OP! It’s your outlook on yourself.

you are clearly a determined person to persevere and lose so much weight. You tried a career and knew yourself well enough to realise it wasn’t making you happy.
you enjoy nature. Your create amazing cakes! I had a long day yesterday and a colleague bought be a cake on the way home. It gave me so much joy!

You sound a lovely person to be around!!

My kids both have private braces - we’re in the south and the treatment was £3000. There are payment plans available. Obviously there is a lot more to what’s going on here than that, but this is something affecting your confidence which you genuinely can fix. I’m a huge believer in therapy but I’d do the teeth first, or you will spend the cost of a pair of braces trying and failing to come to terms with why your mum didn’t fix your teeth!

I’m not good at anything really, but I add to society by caring. Caring brings connection; connection brings joy.

Do you get outside much? Have any pets? Do you exercise at all? Are you involved in anything in your community?

One last thing, do you take any vitamins/minerals? Might sound daft, but try something like Berocca for a few weeks and see how your outlook changes.

This is a really good point. OP I think you do sound quite low in mood. Would you consider going to your GP? A short course of therapy could possibly really help you reframe some of your beliefs. Ignore online dating, it's absolutely brutal. Would you consider something like park run? Exercise and friendly people? Or is there a running group near you?

Not the root of the real issue, but as part of it...if you really hate your hair, invest in a wig or hairpiece. I have a friend who lost a lot of hair with health issues. She wears a full wig and it looks totally natural and really lovely. And she sometimes switches it up for something neon for fun.

I don’t want the “fittest” men. All I want is someone kind. But when I say nobody is interested, I mean nobody is interested

People are attracted to happy confident people. If you’re finding life hard to meet someone, it’s more likely to be the negative vibes you’re giving off than your looks.

I’m well past my sell by date, age wise, 😳, looks fade, and bodies start to sag and droop - but it’s a case of making the best of what you’ve got, and being confident in how you are.

A decent hairdresser will advise on a good cut for your fine hair, but I think you need some sort of therapy around your self esteem more than anything else.

Best wishes. 💐

What happened when you were growing up to give you this image of yourself? Constant negativity as we grow becomes ingrained and defines our own self image and esteem. Being bullied in school can stick with you.

I'm another who would highly recommend therapy to unpick why you see yourself this way. You've had major achievements in life already, and you're only 26. You have proven tenacity and determination, and it's time to use these to change how you feel about yourself.

Go back to your GP and explain how your negative thought patterns are impacting your life. Be firm that they're not because you're overweight, but a symptom of poor mental health and you want to get better.

You can do this. You are as worthy and deserving as much as anyone else.

This. I go to a gym where there are lots of mega fit, toned people (and equally lots of unfit and overweight people) and not once have I ever seen ANYONE even look - never mind laugh - at anybody else in there. Nobody goes to a gym to bully or spend time watching and mocking other people.

I think you have some serious mental health issues OP (combined with extremely low self esteem / body dysmorphia).

People see what you project. I have a friend that constantly covers her mouth with her hand b/c she hates her teeth. on nights out she is on the periphery because you just don’t know what she’s saying in a loud bar when she covers her mouth to talk. She feels this disconnect. She’s stunningly beautiful, she turns head & when we were younger she’d be approached constantly, but they’d soon lose interest. Now my other friend is on the big side & she has charisma dripping off her. She’s funny & her wit is razor sharp. She may not get the interest from strangers but once she gets talking to a bloke, they would be all over her. She’s someone you want to be around. So my advice would you’ve got what your given, you may not be happy with that (most people aren’t) just look at the already skinny celebs jabbing away to look like skeletons. There are things you are doing to improve on those matters like losing weight. I would get yourself to the doctors, you may need a bit of help getting out this rut, they may refer you for a bit of therapy. I would also expand your social life. Join some local groups, join a gym. Take the pressure off finding anyone & learn to love yourself first.

You sound very depressed @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers . We are all different and what social media currently deems beautiful is often fake.

Can you get help with boosting your mood to try to sort the underlying depression first?

Good luck, you are worth it and special🌺

Of course you can go to therapy for this. You are incredibly harsh and down on yourself. You seem convinced that you will never find a partner and will go through life solo, but you are currently living with the enemy.

CBT therapy would be enormously helpful to you. It would help you understand the different types of distorted thinking - you are using most of them! And it would teach you self compassion, self acceptance and a much MUCH better way of thinking about yourself and your life.

You should not have to spend another day with this bully inside your head. The worst case scenario is: you never meet anyone and you are alone for the rest of your life, continuing to think about yourself and your relationship to the world in this scathing way. A much better case and 100% guaranteed achievable scenario is you are alone for the rest of your life but you are your own best friend - you adore your own company, are impressed by your stellar academic achievements, your weight loss, take excellent care of yourself and allow yourself to do things you enjoy and experience new opportunities. An even better and perfectly possible scenario is: You adore your own company, treat yourself well, and this warm, confident, intelligent personality in a well-cared for body, attracts a loving man and a group of loving friends. Also highly likely.

But you MUST unlearn the vicious voice. I speak from experience. It was in my head for years. I worked very hard at CBT and it is pretty much gone. When life goes haywire it comes back but I have the skills to shoo it away. They are learnable. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from them. I started with Mind Gym - an Australian CBT self-taught course. I am not sure if you can buy it in UK but if not, there are bound to be lots of other courses and books. You can also self-refer for 6 weeks of free NHS therapy for any reason you choose.

But that’s almost certainly because what you’re giving off is ‘I hate myself. I think I’m ugly and stupid’. If you don’t think you’re worth anything, why would a total stranger not take you at your word? It’s not a man on a dating app’s job to fix your self-esteem — that’s your job. People take us at our own estimation until they know us well enough to judge differently.

You're focusing on all the negatives and not even acknowledging previous posters who are trying to give constructive advice.
You have lost a significant amount of weight, that's an amazing achievement, you should feel proud of yourself, and if you feel you want to lose more then go for it!
Most people have hang ups about how they look... Big nose, thin hair, thin lips, small boobs/big boobs, too fat, too thin, bum to big etc etc... In reality people are just people, I could list loads of things I'd like to change, smaller nose, smaller boobs, loose a couple of stone, get rid of acne blah blah...
Focus on the positives, you've admitted on here that you're clearly an intelligent woman. And working in the NHS gives you opportunity to progress in your career. I would much rather be judged based on my achievements/mind than on what shape my nose is.
You need to find peace with yourself Before trying to find someone else. Once you make peace with who you are and embrace yourself other people will be attracted to that.