I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

And I don’t know what I can do about it

I have very fine hair. It’s like baby hair. It’s nothing health wise (I’m not losing it), there’s a lot of hair on my head but each strand is just so fine. I can’t style it or do anything with it. I have to get extensions to feel comfortable wearing it down. I take all the supplements and use all the serums but it doesn’t change a thing.

My teeth are crooked but I can’t afford braces. I didn’t qualify for braces on the NHS as a child and my parents wouldn’t pay for them because they thought my teeth “added character”. Now whenever I smile it looks like I’m missing a tooth at the front. I don’t smile with my mouth open because it just looks awful.

im fat, I’ve lost nearly 150 from my heaviest but I’m still a size 16-18. Nothing looks good on me and I want to hide my body all the time. I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

I could do with a nose job, my nose is crooked and big, but I can’t afford it.

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive. I’ve tried all the dating apps but whenever I suggest meeting up with a guy he turns round and says no because he’s not feeling it. I try to meet people in person but nobody is even interested in talking to me.

it just feels like it’s been such a long time on my own already, the thought of doing another 50 years on my own just fills me with dread. I just want to cry when I think of my future because I feel like I’ll never meet anyone because I’m just genuinely ugly.

In a lot of ways you are describing me physically. I've always been short and round with incredibly fine hair that can't be styled, snagly teeth but I have a really small nose. I spent a lot of my teens insecure about myself. I started getting perms in my hair . I was lucky enough to get an understanding stylist who gave me a tousled messy look (think Kate Humble) which really suits me. I've done this since my 20s - I'm now in my 60s and it's the only way i can cope with my hair - the messier the better. I got my teeth improved (I can't say sorted) in a teaching hospital and smile a lot even though I still have a gap at the front. I'll always be a bit of a podge, but I wear colours that really suit me with flowing lines. People often tell me they admire my style and confidence (they have no idea i can't do smart and tidy). My younger self would have been amazed to hear their words. Get some colour and style advice, check out the dental hospitals, find an understanding hairdresser and learn to love yourself. Believe me - I changed my attitude and my life.x

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers I'm going to be blunt. I'm sorry but I hope it helps.

I have read all of your posts and I sympathise with you but the one thing that has stood out to me is that you are completely self absorbed and seem to have no interest whatsoever in others...

Many, MANY people have replied to you and been lovely and told you what they struggle with (weight, hair loss, low confidence etc) and not once have you responded to them in a nice way - or even said thank you - despite everyone trying to boost your confidence and help you.

I understand when you are depressed you struggle to see the positive in anything and so interacting with others is never going to be easy. However this is 100% going to have an impact on you meeting someone. Whether that be online or in real life. Most people will run a mile from someone who is so negative. It's absolutely nothing to do with what you look like and everything to do with your behaviour and personality.

You need to do some real work on yourself (starting with a good therapist) to get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do about yourself and start to make some changes to your thought processes before you can even THINK about dating.

I wish you the best of luck.

OP what do you think about the therapy/ GP idea?

There have been over 200 replies since I fell asleep last night. I cannot go through and answer every single one.

I’m willing to give it a go but I just think I know how it ends, they’ll say to keep losing weight

I suspect no one is interested because you are so self-deprecating. It is immensely hard work being with someone who is always putting herself down. It creates a negative atmosphere. I bet you think you are all bright and breezy when you chat but you actually let slip lots of self-criticisms. Cut them all out.

Do the work. CBT. Sign up for six free self-referred sessions with NHS. Buy some CBT self-help workbooks. Look online. Unlearn all those horrendous distorted thinking patterns. Replace them with genuine self compassion. Start feeling really good about your academic achievements, your weight loss. Get a stylist to help you choose new outfits. Every time you do something good, however small, congratulate yourself for it. It feels (and maybe is) OTT at first, but you need to unlearn the aggressive noise. So say to yourself 'Yay - still 150lbs lighter than I was 2 years ago.' And 'Delicious coffee I just made, to start the day' and 'That colour of nail polish is gorgeous. I love it on the end of my fingers.' On and on. Very artificial. Until it isn't. Until you realise it is absolutely fine to be nice to yourself. Why not?

Next time you chat to a man online, play a game with yourself that you will not say anything to put yourself down. Not as a joke, not out of 'modesty'. Say nothing negative either, however small (eg 'I hated law' or 'I don't really get on with my colleagues/have many friends'.) Just stay uncharacteristically positive.

Suggest meeting men you like chatting with for a quick coffee or to do something together for an hour or two if you have a shared interest - visit a gallery, walk along the river, whatever. Suggest it in the spirit of friendship. See what happens. It's fine if they say no.

You could also try joining a group therapy self-esteem building workshop or group. You might meet men there who are equally down on themselves and you will see how hard it is to cut through that artificial barrier.

I’ve used IAPT too. It’s a bit hit and miss who you get but it’s free and worth a shot.

I think this is a very insightful post.

I don’t say anything negative to men about myself. When I try to meet with them, they block me

This person said it all. The reply again is defensive. Why ask for advice but don’t take anything on board.

OP the only really unattractive thing about you is your relentless negativety.

Get a wig, see a dentist and pay by instalments, carry on with the weight loss.

But first and foremost GET THERAPY because whatever you look like, however beautiful physically, your attitude will put people right off.
Misery is never, ever, an attractive trait.

On the personal development side- I'd recommend speaking with someone, maybe consider some CBT or talking therapy.
and go for walks. It's amazing what that can do for your soul

I don’t want the “fittest” men. All I want is someone kind. But when I say nobody is interested, I mean nobody is interested

im not trying to be unkind here b but as other pp have said, your constant negativity is a turn off. Unless you show a drastically different side to your personality when you’re chatting to men, it’s that, not your looks, that’s putting them off (presumably they’ve seen your photo before they message you in the first place?!)

You have been given kind and truthfulness sincere messages of support and advice but you reject them just like how I imagine you reject interested men. You are your own enemy.

A therapist is certainly not going to tell you to lose (or gain) weight. Have you ever actually had any therapy?

I share your pain on the hair. I am deeply envious of people with thick heads of hair (no matter the hair type.)

Regarding teeth - when I got mine done (2nd set of braces after having them as a teen) I was able to get finance from the dentist. The payment broken down over just under a year but zero interest. I found that helped immensely - are there any dentists that do that?

I don’t get people who think gaps or crooked teeth “add character”.

I was told that when I went for my second set of braces. Apparently my gap “added character” and was “cute”. When in reality it looked awful!

Also share your pain on being fat. I have done many many things in my life but weight loss is the biggest challenge. Not simply physically but mentally.

Don’t know what words of support to offer except to maybe if you want to date - get more involved in activities and groups?

I genuinely think OLD works better for people closer to a societal beauty standard. I think that for those of us don’t it’s not really useful. Organically meeting people is better.

I did a year of therapy a few years back, for
groef

Advice from another ugly person here - find yourself something you are good at. You are very young yet and you haven't had the chance, but honestly, find your 'niche'. When you find what you can really do (it might take a bit of work to get there, mind) you will gain confidence. If it can be a social activity, so much the better, but even if it's knitting great sweaters, or turning your garden into a riot of colour - do it. It will help you get out there, even if it's a solitary activity you can join a club or go to meetings, conventions, conferences.

This isn't with the purpose of meeting a man, this is to raise yourself in your own eyes. When you can look at other people and think 'yeah, you might be beautiful, but do you know your dog rose from your damask rose?' you will feel better.

Incidentally, I really am ugly. 'Not well favoured' as people used to say. 'Handsome' at my very best on a very good day. But I've been married several times because I met men who looked beyond the physical - and I worked hard to gain a wee bit of charisma and sparkle.

Plus, of course, we don't have the agonies of losing our looks as we age. Once you're past fifty the playing field levels amazingly.

Just my experience. Hope it helps.

I'm sorry you feel this way. It must be depressing when there are several things about your appearance your not happy with. But feel you can't change.

I know nobody is perfect and you sound like you've done a great achievement by losing lots of weight. I hope things improve for you. X

I thought I couldn’t afford surgery.

I put it on my credit card and then just paid it off. It was $5,000 out of pocket.

You could travel to Turkey and get braces and a nose job.

You’re too young to give up.

Do you have a job?

I didn't say that.

I said you have responded to many people who have been kind and caring yet not once have you said thank you or sympathised with anyone else who is also struggling.

OP are you in a position to pay or get a loan for private therapy?

You had bereavement therapy and they told you to lose weight? And nothing else?

Sorry also another question, are you up for volunteering?
My much missed mum always used to say when you are feeling low or sorry for yourself, helping someone else (even if you feel like you are the one who needs help) is the best medicine
Would you give that a try?

Honestly your negativity does seem to jump off the page and you dismissed every suggestion people made . I think it's clear you are deeply depressed and I would go to your gp and insist on help.

Lots of us here are average . No amazing talents , plodding along day to day in jobs that we don't love but pay the bills but still manage to find joy in the small things. You don't be able to do that.
loads of dentists offer payment plans now for dental treatment . Take an advanced bakery class and develop that skill, volunteer as a cookery instructor at a charity .

park the romantic part a while and work on just meeting new friends.
No one can change your life except you.