I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

And I don’t know what I can do about it

I have very fine hair. It’s like baby hair. It’s nothing health wise (I’m not losing it), there’s a lot of hair on my head but each strand is just so fine. I can’t style it or do anything with it. I have to get extensions to feel comfortable wearing it down. I take all the supplements and use all the serums but it doesn’t change a thing.

My teeth are crooked but I can’t afford braces. I didn’t qualify for braces on the NHS as a child and my parents wouldn’t pay for them because they thought my teeth “added character”. Now whenever I smile it looks like I’m missing a tooth at the front. I don’t smile with my mouth open because it just looks awful.

im fat, I’ve lost nearly 150 from my heaviest but I’m still a size 16-18. Nothing looks good on me and I want to hide my body all the time. I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

I could do with a nose job, my nose is crooked and big, but I can’t afford it.

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive. I’ve tried all the dating apps but whenever I suggest meeting up with a guy he turns round and says no because he’s not feeling it. I try to meet people in person but nobody is even interested in talking to me.

it just feels like it’s been such a long time on my own already, the thought of doing another 50 years on my own just fills me with dread. I just want to cry when I think of my future because I feel like I’ll never meet anyone because I’m just genuinely ugly.

The bar for offering children orthodonture on the NHS is really high, for those who said OP's teeth weren't that bad. Teeth also move over the years, there are a lot of children being left with crooked teeth! It probably has a lot to do with the stereotype us Brits all have terrible teeth. Ironically you are probably better off being born with naturally terrible, misaligned teeth in this country, as they will sort it out for you for free. Those with regular crooked teeth are expected to simply grin (without showing teeth) and bear it. American parents would be horrified!

Straightening your teeth should be your priority (along with the gym), the benefits of straight teeth are innumerable. I think it's abhorrent that your parents have left you as an adult with crooked teeth and the consequential self-esteem issues. In my opinion, they owe it to you to contribute to your invisalign as an adult.

You are very young and it’s sounds like you have really done so much in self improvement. Congratulations on weight loss it’s hard.

I would work on improving your mind, start picking up new interests join ramblers, find a yoga group for mindfulness and look to interests that can expand your mind. I always wished I had spent more time learning about art history as it come up in life more than expected. Listen to radio 4 as I have learned so much from it. it will improve conversation skills and confidence.

sort your teeth as a smile is important and if you aren't smiling you aren’t releasing natural endorphins which come with a smile and it will make you feel brilliant.

my hair is very poor so I wear wigs initially. Doe going out and now for life in general. I feel more confident now.

confidence is very attractive. People are drawn to confidence. If you don’t have it read some books on it and fake it, once you do that it will come naturally.

I would say most women have been through this stage in their lives, just don’t get stick there. We always see the worst in ourselves but people see the whole person.

Good luck with your journey

You might try counselling a life coach or faith to give You safe external support as your inner voice is beating You up! You might improve your self esteem by doing something you can feel proud of yourself for. Maybe volunteer for a local charity and meet new people and make social connrctions. It's your life and only you can decide that you want things to change. We have to try and find the positives in our circumstances, even if they are not apparent! (Speaking as someone who is disabled and housebound). Save up for a splurge haircut, a good hairdresser will be able to create a flattering style for your hair type.

Firstly, congratulations on your weight loss. You may not feel like it but I 100% guarantee that you look significantly different now. You look, and I’m sure you feel, healthier.
Please work on your self esteem. It sounds like your issue isn’t actually about your appearance, it’s about your confidence and feelings of self worth. Most women are so critical of themselves regarding their appearance. OP, please believe me when I say this…… you are significantly more attractive than you think you are. You’re very young and you still have plenty of time to meet someone if that’s what you want. Please don’t write yourself off as an old spinster at 26! I didn’t have my first proper relationship until I was around your age so I do remember how upsetting it is, especially when you see your peers dating or settling down. Do not compare yourself with others. We’re all different and adult life doesn’t come with an instruction manual (unfortunately!). It’ll all fall into place in time, probably when you’re least expecting it.
All the best OP x

You write beautifully, even though you have sadness. That means you will talk beautifully, you are a communicator. X

Qualifying for NHs braces is nothing to do with parents income. The NHS have a very strict criteria for NHS funded braces. The majority of people you see with braces will be self funded

Other posters are right, you need to go to therapy and work on your esteem. Even if you are ugly (which is subjective) plenty of ugly people find love. But finding love won’t solve your issues it would just add to them, if you met someone you would bring your insecurities into the relationship which isn’t healthy. Work on your mental health and learn to be ok as you, whether that’s single you or married you.

I’m a 16/18 size and I go to the gym. I don’t feel huge although there are some really skinny people there. When I see larger people I just think ‘well done for trying to improve yourself’ Most peoplle are more bothered about scrolling through their phones than people watching.

Have you asked a hairdresser for advice on how to manage your hair. Is there a cut she could give you that would suit it better than hanging loose - layers can give you more body. Have you tried shampoos that thicken hair?

have you ever thought about voluntary work in your spare time? Helping others can give you a really good feeling and boost your self esteem

Many other people feel the same as you from time to time. Only you can make your life bettter little steps at a time,so trying some kind of therapy could set you in the right direction. See your GP as you could be suffering from depression

There is a way out of this OP, you just need to start the journey and maybe posting here is the first step. Good luck - let us know how you get on

OP I do know what you mean as 5 years ago I was in a similar position to you as to how I felt about myself. I was deeply lonely, lived alone and had suffered 3 major bereavements very close together. Here's what I did :

1. Booked private therapy (I took a loan to do it)

It literally saved my life.

1. Started volunteering at a local charity shop on my day off from my job and on my annual leave/bank holidays. I was a fragile mess when I started, and tired as I was not having any time off but I made new friends of all ages and had a laugh, someone made me a cuppa etc
2. I did volunteering at my towns foodbank as they do one off volunteer days. This helped me mix and have a laugh as well. Lots of very nice older men who looked after me and were great.
3. I joined a local meet up group. It was hard and I hated every event I went to for about 6 months as it felt like too much effort, and that friendship didn't come easily. Then it suddenly clicked and now I've been on weekends away, girly nights, coffees, pub nights and I've made real friends

The final step for me is dating which I'm starting in January.
You can make your life better buy its hard work but you feel so proud of yourself when you do it.
5 years ago I was on the top of a car park in a very broken state. Tonight I'm going to a meet up party and I can't wait to walk through town to meet all my friends in the christmassy pub. The bit I'm looking forward to the most? Waving to them through the window then going in. 5 years ago this was a dream I had when I felt so lonely. Change is possible but you need a plan x

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

Im not going to deny your lived experience and say "oh im sure its fine".
I csn relate to a lot; wtf am i doing with my life, the shit hair the bad teeth and losing weight but still looking terrible.

what i will say is i personally would ditch the extensions and £50pm on nails and use that money to go see a good orthodentist.
I had train tracks at 26 and they were TRANSFORMATIVE. Im 40 now and its still some of the best money ive spent.

Most dentist do credit or payment plans.
Start looking today and bin off the nails and hair (they arent "serving you well" anyway)

The weightloss is incredible btw. Keep going with it.

Equally my career was shit at your age... i kept plugging and made a plan to "get out"
In terms of your job maybe worth looking at either private nursing or moving into injectables

Good luvk

have you checked with your GP for signs of depression?

i would second therapy. I have done psychoanalysis (look for low fee training institutes) and it has transformed my life. I have better friends and more confidence in myself and i like myself more (i am “pretty” but had such a level of self hate that i was alone too with no friends).

you could look at invisalign for your teeth they offer payment plan i heard
you could look at Mounjaro to lose extra weight, some people have felt it boosted their confidence
id go for therapy first if money is tight though

You need counselling. I also think a new wardrobe would also increase your confidence.

Some of the most attractive people I know aren’t conventionally beautiful, but they might have an amazing smile or a lovely personality and that overrides anything else.
Looks fade anyway.

I'd suggest a) shedding your remaining excess weight (you have done amazingly well, you are nearly there!) Getting down to a healthy weight is one of the best things you can do for yourself, your health and appearance. Your features will almost certainly look very different and better when not blurred by fat; and b) getting a good haircut and keeping your hair very short.

Self esteem doesn't really change by looking conventionally attractive. It's much deeper than that. I'm (or used to be!) pretty but it didn't impact especially how I felt. I know similarly with other objectively "hot" people. Equally I've dated men who have been on the outside unusual looking but had bags of confidence. So my point is a) I doubt you're unattractive b) don't believe that's a golden ticket to happiness c) I think therapy, happiness, hobbies are what you need d) 26 is young. Please try and focus on the present as you've years to meet someone

I agree with the PP who said she’d never seen an ugly person.

also, men have been arrested for having sex with the exhaust pipe of a car and a pile of leaves. I guarantee you’re more attractive than both of those things.

agree with all the posters saying your self image is the problem.

I think a lot of this is in your head, and it must be awful for you. I have no doubt that you believe it. However, I go to two gyms and objectively there are some extremely obese (far, far bigger than you) and very unattractive people who attend and I have never, ever seen anyone stare or laugh at anyone. Women use the swimming pool, spa etc who are so big that they need help to walk (I am not exaggerating) and nobody laughs at them.

I think your self esteem is so low that if anyone laughs around you, you assume they’re laughing at you. I genuinely don’t believe that they are. People who use gyms tend to be supportive of those starting their fitness journeys.

Equally, as others have said, the fact that you believe you look the same minus 150lbs really does suggest this is a self esteem and body dysmorphia type of issue more than anything.

You will not be alone forever if you don’t want to be. But right now, you need to focus on being kinder to, and working on liking, yourself.

I'm quoting this because I love this reply, you articulated what I wanted to say about relationships so well! They are not the be all and end all, I would have 'contributed to society' much more if I was single.

OP, I have never posted on Mumsnet despite reading it every day for years but had to post. I have had counselling for smaller problems and counselling training and this is absolutely what therapy is for! Person centred therapy is what helped me.

Also you mention a bad experience at university and it sounds like you might need to talk about that with someone as well as everything else.

Check out the work of Aubrey Gordon and her amazing film Your Fat Friend, people's worth should not be tied to their weight and it is appalling that the doctors you have been to about your mental health have not helped you but sadly unsurprising, it's a reflection of medical fatphobia but you deserve better. Aubrey has not let being fat stop her from doing amazing good in the world.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to wait until you look a certain way before your real life can begin, attractive people aren't any happier, I promise you. Also your worth isn't tied to your wage, some people who are paid more money than you do a lot of damage in the world, sometimes I think just not doing harm is a high enough goal.

You mentioned you were thinking about stopping the jabs and I think if it's taken away a source of joy for you then it might be worth taking a break. Joy is hard to find in this world and it's healthy and normal for food to be a source of pleasure.

You say you are on jabs. Did you feel this negative about yourself before taking them? Negative thoughts can be a side effect of mounjaro.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt positive about myself in my life

I’m going to be blunt as someone that was told they were attractive and is now middle aged and not attractive.

Get on with it as things guess worse. In the last 5 years as a family we have dealt with metastatic cancer, muscular dystrophy (me), foot amputations, family estrangement, heart attacks before 58, work bullies, black depression.

Life has more to delight you with so find what you enjoy, do it, value friends and family, enjoy health that enables you to get out and the rest will follow!

I beg you get out and get on with it in the best way possible

Here's my twopennyworth.
Forget the gym. Save the money (put it in your braces fund?). Join a park run group. People rave about them. And maybe a hiking group.
If they don't float your boat, there are other group activities you can try - a book group, a board games group, a team sport or badminton/tennis / whatever club.
I really think you need to get out there and be in the world. Let people see that you're funny or quirky or interesting - or all three - and allow your confidence to build.
As my boss recently said to me, 'Don't get in your own way.'
Once you're feeling happier about yourself, it'll be time to take the working world by storm. You can do this, honestly.
And I'd give OLD a wide berth. It's brutal at the best of times and I think it brings out the worst in men. Build up your activities and you'll meet people IRL and gradually build up a social network.
Would you consider creating an action plan and sharing with us? List all the big steps you need to get to where you want to be, and break each one down into achievable mini steps.
Good luck.

I think it's normal after a massive weightloss but not slim yet to feel this way. Keep losing weight dropping to a size 10 or 12 will make a huge difference as in the eyes of society you are still overweight. You could take a loan or monthly payments for your teeth as you are working credit agencies should accept you. You could wear a wig or cut your hair in a way that flatters it most.
This is like hitting the wall in a marathon, just keep pushing. You're only 26 it's too early to give up. Plenty of people change their mind after their degree or decide to retrain it's not a waste of time, education is never a waste of time. A lot of your talk is frankly nonsense depression BS. Do try therapy, it's exactly for people like you.

I've always been unattractive - it's my face, so there's nothing I can do about it.

It does get better as you age - once you get into your 40s, you don't feel like the ugly one surrounded by stunning people, you feel like one of a comforting, homogenous mass of middle-aged women, and you have the bonus that you aren't bemoaning the loss of your looks, no longer getting male attention, as some women do.

As for men, you just need to find the right one. Look around you - you will see plenty of conventionally unattractive women who are partnered up. My husband is no looker either, but we've been married 20 years. You are doing the right thing by making connections, sooner or later you will find someone who is 'feeling it' and wants a relationship.

Keep on with your weightloss journey and congrats on your loss so far. At size 16-18 there should be plenty of flattering clothes you can wear, and when you reach your goal, the world of clothes will be your oyster. Then, you will look good in everything and you'll feel much more confident in the way you look overall, and really take pleasure in dressing and looking in the mirror. You can do it!

Most people are averagely intelligent and not particularly brilliant at anything. That doesn't mean they are worthless. All humans are valuable, even the ones that go wrong, and it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you.