DH said I’m not a very likeable person?

[Mrsaskalot]

Me and DH were having a discussion today about finances and what we should do to make it more fair. Anyway further on into the conversation he said he wouldn’t take any advice from me because I’m on the spectrum.
He also stated that no one has ever liked me and that I’m not a very likeable person, people just put up with me.

I have ADHD and always have been a bit awkward and a loner somewhat. I never really had many friends but I was never bothered. I’m not great with people which is surprising as I work in HR.

Its made me feel really shit and wonder whether there is some truth to what he has said. As he’s getting older he’s becoming meaner.

Aibu for not being able to forgive something like this?

Agreed. He’s deliberately done this to stop you in your tracks. This is extremely controlling and manipulative.

Fancy being stupid enough to choose to marry an "unlikeable person"

H sounds a bit thick to do that tbh

So what exactly was he hoping to achieve by telling you this? Firstly, this is just his (batshit) opinion and certainly not one that should ever come from a truly loving and caring husband. Are you supposed to be grateful for him pointing out your apparent flaws and using them as reasons for not listening to or respecting you or does he want you to try and change the person that you are to fit his small minded criteria?
The only financial advice he should be taking from you from now on is how you're going to split your marital assets during the divorce.....

Op how can he be so hurtful? I have ND friends and they are fantastic. Why on earth is he married to you if that is how he feels?! Fine, he can move on and you can spend your life with people that love being with you.

His words are not true, they were designed to stop you asserting yourself.

You work in HR OP , you need to HR the arse out of him, you will have dealt with worse, use your skills

Hes being cruel and nasty, hes putting you down because he doesnt want to talk about the finances, hes way out if order, i would be packing his bags and throwing them out the door. A DH is supposed to make your life better, easier, feel part of a couple. I hope you find a way to get rid of IT

What an awful thing to say, I’m sorry you experienced that.

Presumably at least one person at one point liked you a lot - him, as he chose to marry you.

Was this a convo or an argument?

Did he say those things verbatim or imply?

I only ask as dh has adhd and can take things totally the wrong way (I think its to do with rejection sensitivity dysphoria)

If he literally said that then id be thinking im worth more than being treated like that

I agree, he’s deflecting, “let’s talk about you rather than me being unfair about finances “, sounds horrible.

We don't know you so maybe you are not likeable at all. Very difficult to judge this one with so little information. It was a close call but I voted YABU.

Your “D” H sounds like a horrible person.

OP that is so bloody mean and I seriously doubt it's true. It's made me angry reading that.

Unfortunately we have an understandable tendency to believe those close to us when they pass negative judgement about anything to do with us, whether that's parents, siblings or partners. It's way too easy to believe it. And quite often they are spitefully lashing out because of their own issues. They want to wound and hurt, especially when they're feeling defensive to themselves. It's up to us to have the self belief to evaluate their opinion dispassionately and disregard it. We then need to decide what we'll do about their spiteful lashing out.

Easier said than done of course.

Your NVDH is a complete, total, undeniable twat waffle.

Please tell him to go pound sand. What an unkind, hateful, ignorant thing for him to say.

Your immediate reaction here should be it’s hard to trust a husband who’s pretty much told me he doesn’t like me to have my back si we must split finances fairly NOW. And you can throw your toddler tantrum later but this is the new split, which unlike the old one is fair. No, I won’t let this discussion be derailed by whatever horrible thing you can think of to say next, you are totally transparent and it’s a bit pathetic.

and start saving.

What a horrible thing to say. You might be a bit tricky - as are lots of people - but I’m sure you have lots of good qualities too. As for putting up with people, I’m wondering how you manage to put up with him.

That's awful! You're obviously not a loner though if you're married...

A lot of unlikeable people get married. So it's possible you are. Possible he is too.

No one here can tell whether you are or not. But I think it's entirely possible to say that he was unpleasant and unkind.

Which may well mean that he no longer cares for you. Do you care for him?

If you do, you have a decision to make, concerning whether you want to put any more energy into the marriage.

If you don't, you don't really have a decision to make, because you're both ready to call it a day.

Me and DH were having a discussion today about finances and what we should do to make it more fair. @Mrsaskalot

I'm guessing at the moment it's in his favour.

He's punishing you op for daring to ask for fairness.
He's aiming to put you down, make you feel shit so you don't dare ask again.

He sounds awful and abusive.

So many red flags in your op from not having fair finances to him putting you down for being neurodivergent and getting meaner.

I am always genuinely intrigued when I read these kinds of posts and wonder how the relationship/marriage came about. Especially if there is a self admission of being a loner. I mean your ADHD has always been there, its a part of you. But he fell in love with you and married you.

I know things change in relationships and to come out with something like that quite frankly is unforgivable. My ex used to call me a head case/nut job as I have PTSD. Our counsellor went through him like a tonne of bricks.

I’m sorry op, what a nasty man.

Deflection, pure and simple. Is he expecting you to roll over and stop asking that finances are fairer? I bet they’re currently in his favour. I’m not sure I could get over that ‘unlikeable’ comment, it’s utterly reprehensible.

He sounds like a cunt - if he's getting worse, I'd be looking to get rid before he's utterly unbearable

This is bullying and knowing that you’re vulnerable. Saying he wouldnt take advice from you because youre on the spectrum is disgusting tbh.

Have you considered divorce?

He also stated that no one has ever liked me and that I’m not a very likeable person, people just put up with me.

He is saying that you are nothing, you are lucky to have him when no one else will and you should be grateful and shut up and not ask for money that is rightfully yours.

I am so angry for you, OP. He chose your softest spot and drove the knife in just so that you did not continue to ask awkward questions about finances. He is a nasty nasty piece of work shit. If you were my daughter I cannot write here what I would like to do to him. If I were you, I would be tempted to quietly start making discreet enquiries about divorcing him and dividing the assets now.

Is he PAYE? Does he have a good pension? Once you have your ducks in a row, you can give him both barrels back.