DH said I’m not a very likeable person?

[Mrsaskalot]

Me and DH were having a discussion today about finances and what we should do to make it more fair. Anyway further on into the conversation he said he wouldn’t take any advice from me because I’m on the spectrum.
He also stated that no one has ever liked me and that I’m not a very likeable person, people just put up with me.

I have ADHD and always have been a bit awkward and a loner somewhat. I never really had many friends but I was never bothered. I’m not great with people which is surprising as I work in HR.

Its made me feel really shit and wonder whether there is some truth to what he has said. As he’s getting older he’s becoming meaner.

Aibu for not being able to forgive something like this?

If there were some truth in what he said, then a caring, loving partner might say "I think when you do X it might rub people up the wrong way", or "you could have maybe phrased things better in X situation", or something actually constructive and helpful. Instead he chose to be an absolute arse - in the context of a conversation about sorting finances fairly....

He sounds horrible.

It sounds that he said something hurtful to you as a way to change the conversation.

Does he not want to talk about finances for some reason? That is concerning.

Changing the subject is concerning.

Being horrible to you is concerning.

Claiming other people dislike you is concerned. If it was true, why is he suddenly bringing it up now, and in such an unhelpful way?

Don’t look inward, that would be to follow his misdirection. Look outward - at your nasty, belittling, unloving husband. Want to spend the rest of your life with that?

Unless he's walking that back sincerely and with honest repentance, it really is a marriage-killing statement 😢 Nobody should be sharing their life with a person they find unlikeable and whose opinions they automatically discount. It's pretty much the clearest statement of disrespect you could get, with dislike piled on top of it.

Obviously, no-one should be sharing their life with a person who doesn't like or value them. I'm so sorry, @Mrsaskalot. I hope he's grovelling as you read this but, if not ... free yourself and him.

I’m currently reading a book on evolutionary psychology. One of the things it says is that lower value partners insult higher value partners (as in how “valuable” they are on mating market) as a strategy to reduce their partners self perceived value to ensure they don’t leave them. I think a fair few men do this and it’s not about you it’s about him.

Regardless of whether other people think you are likeable, the man you are supposed to be in a romantic relationship should be someone who sees you as likeable. He’s being a prick.

Ah, the old 'you should be REALLY grateful i put up with you because no-one else would' trope.

And how many times has the woman left that relationship and realised that actually, she does a hell of a lot better alone without someone eating away at her soul on a daily basis.

Sounds like he doesn't like you. And that is a very good reason to end a relationship. Maybe you've just outgrown each other. Interesting it came out over a conversation about finances, presumably he is the one screwing you over?

So this was during a conversation about fairness and money? I'm going to guess he's not contributing enough but to cover this up and stop you arguing with him, he tells you're awful to keep you in your place and make you feel grateful for what he contributes. Am I right? Might be making a giant leap here but this sounds like coercive control. Be careful, trust your instincts. Look after yourself and don't let him wear you down. You can do better than him.

Just voted and I don't think I've ever seen a 100% response before. So that says it all.
Im sorry but he is not a nice person. You are likeable and worthy of love.
Time to reassess whether the relationship.

it sounds more like H didn't like the way the conversation was going and instead of dealing with that in an adult manner he opted to hit you below the belt.

Wondering what ANY of what he said has to do with finances? Other than to put you on the defensive...

Yes, exactly what home truths about the family finances was he finding uncomfortable?

Your DH doesn't sound very likeable at all. It was a really mean thing to say and it was hardly constructive criticism.

Saying that nobody likes you is the sort of thing a mean child would say to another child, not a grown man to his wife.

Fucking hell: why on earth are you with this man?

No idea about anyone else, but he definitely doesn’t like you.

Way to put you back in your box.

What a cunt.

my usual question. What does this prince among men bring to enhance your life?

He’s mean.

Im also a person on the spectrum and yes I know I’m unlikeable (RSD tells me so) and whilst DH would say I can be difficult, we know our issues and we work together as a team.

Oh really, and he thinks he is likeable presumably? I already don't like him and I haven't met him.

Let me guess, you raised the issue of finances being unfair and he managed to completely derail the discussion by making it about your perceived personality flaws.

He sounds like an absolute c*nt, I don’t think I could forgive that

I would consider that a marriage ending conversation.

I would take it that this arsehole no longer likes or cares for me and I need to actively protect myself.

What is your situation?
Work, children, finances, housing.

Start getting organised to exit from this marriage to a nasty arsehole.

The nasty bastard is just trying to shut you down.

BTW, socially awkward doesn't equal unlikeable. I've met some lovely, kind, sweet people who aren't in their comfort zone in social situations. He's homing in on your biggest insecurity and pushing the button for maximum impact.

There are so many things to unpick here.

Firstly, has he ever said anything like this before? I strongly suspect from your description that - as PP have said - that it was just a ploy to stop you putting across your opinion for fairer finances.

Secondly, it doesn't even make sense. Because other people don't like you, you're not allowed an opinion on your finances?! Other people's opinion of you makes absolutely no difference to your financial arrangements.

Thirdly, I very much doubt that it's true. You might not have a huge circle of friends but not everyone does. I bet when you're relaxed and with the right company, you're lovely.

Fourthly, who cares what other people think? As long as you're not deliberately spiteful to people, then it doesn't really matter if you're not universally popular. Some people instantly attract others while some are a bit of a slow burn. I've known people who I thought were cold and standoffish but over time, as I've got to know them, it turns out that they're lovely, warm, kind souls. Providing you have a network/circle of family/friends that you're happy with - no matter how small it is, then the opinion of other people is irrelevant.

Lastly, who the actual fuck does he think he is talking to you like that?! No one deserves to be spoken to like that. No one. I hope he hasn't knocked your self-esteem so low that you feel powerless.

I'm AuDHD and it takes me much longer to make proper friends. But that's OK. Don't feel bad about who you are.

If it's out of character for him, I would expect profuse apologies and an explanation of why he said what he did. If it's not out of character, I'd be out of there.

Sending hugs.

What was the discussion about finances? Because I bet that's what he was thinking about and I'd be concerned he was trying to fuck you over with every weapon he could think of. And that's more serious than saying something mean.

@Mrsaskalot the conversation about your finances being unfairer - are they currently unfair for you?

If so, I'd say that he made those nasty comments to get you on the back foot, and to shut the conversation down.

I'd also hazard a guess that hes a controlling prick, and you need to extricate yourself from this relationship.

Please tell him from me, that the only unlikable thing about you is your husband.

That's cruel and nasty. You don't have to put up with that.