To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

We haven't had a discussion on it. And, in the early days the understanding was that he would travel to come to me, and I would cover costs when he was here. I don't even recall if that was an express conversation or that's just the way it panned out, and now it has become the norm. We had a chat about eating out (as I ended up paying for the more expensive meals) and then he created and we started putting those expenses on the shared tab.

So you had a chat then, and the Sky didn’t fall!

You can do it again!

You are right! Yes, he is receptive in conversations generally. And, I need to get over my cringe-factor with money conversations.

There’s no reason you should have covered costs. No normal adult expects free food and wine for having driven 40 minutes. This was exploitive from the start.

Might not have been his expectation, but just how I hosted, and that has become the norm....I have played a part in setting expectations where they are at, so need to take some responsibility for that. But, I see what you and others have been saying, he should have been more proactive about equalizing things.

OP, there’s “thrifty” and then there's “tonight”.

you mentioned exchanging Xmas gifts with his adult children. Do you give them birthday presents? Did they also send your DC a birthday card/present on the occasion DP just gave a card?

When you gave him the gig tickets, cake etc, roughly how much more did that cost than what he gave you? Twice as much? Three times as much? Four times as much? Did he at least look a bit embarrassed at the disparity in presents?

If it weren’t for the adult children I’d think he was a bloke I used to live with. As my grandmother would have said, “so tight he wouldn’t give you the drippings of his nose”. When we first moved in together, I didn’t drive so he charged me a monthly petrol payment to cover him driving us to the supermarket, on trips out (which were usually just visiting his parents. This was 30 years ago, and he charged me £12 a month!

So…

• He lost the house in the divorce but kept the pension and savings.
• You described yourself as ‘vulnerable’ following your own divorce.
• He is kind, caring, helpful……. but very tight.
• You are careless with your money generous to a fault.

Have you seen any of those YouTube videos about scammers who somehow manage to relieve seemingly intelligent - but kind, caring, vulnerable- women of their life savings?

Let me be clear: I am not suggesting that he is a scammer. However, he is exhibiting some of the character traits and strategies that scammers use to ensnare their victims.

Please look after your own best interests…..and focus on the long term and, instead of getting side tracked into not rocking the boat, giving him the benefit of the doubt, paying instead of going halves, et cetera, focus on what YOU want.

I think shared tab for weekend costs at yours.

You can take off 40p a mile for his car. That would be fair OP.

Do you seriously think this user doesn't know exactly what he's doing? Happy to grab what he could until you realised he wasn't going to reciprocate. Talk all you like to him, he'll still find a way to screw you over. But sure sounds great. Enjoy your nurse with a purse future.

Hey Op,

The backpack for your birthday is making me sad. I wonder, what would you have loved to receive as a birthday gift?

Would your younger self feel sad that your partner of 4 years bought you a backpack for your birthday, got you coupons for Christmas, got your kid a card and nothing else?

Will he ever get you gig tickets and lovely food and treat you?

I saw the comments about mirroring your partner but - where would you put the rest of yourself? The consideration and generosity? Would you have to squash that part of yourself down? Make yourself less than, to meet him where he's at?

You sound so warm and vibrant Op, and honestly... He does not.

I don’t see how this can be resolved in a satisfactory way. His thoughts about you compensating him for his car costs shows just how petty he is.

Do you really want a relationship where you offset the cost of his insurance against how many toilet rolls he uses? There’s a reallly unpleasant vibe of entitlement under all this. And now you’re seeing him take advantage of your friends as well. He’s been doing this for a very long time.

I have read through all your responses. The standout to me is you don’t know how to frame the conversation you need to have with him.
But there are a couple of other things that jump out at me.
I suggest you start by monitoring all of your expenditure. I suspect you don’t, but it is the only way to get a clear-eyed view of exactly how much you are spending on him & the disparity. You can then frame the conversation along the lines of cost of living, wanting to be more sensible/systematic, etc, rather than it strictly being about him paying a fairer share of costs. I think you will also find it eye-opening for your own financial well being & management.
I am a little troubled by your generosity; yes, it is good to be generous, but your many examples suggest that it may stem from an underlying sense of inadequacy. How would you feel if you simply accepted your friends generosity & didn’t reciprocate? I suspect very uncomfortable, which is a clue to the reasons you are generous. You may have work to do in that area.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with splitting costs evenly & equitably, that’s not stingy. But you seem to be a bit competitive around gifting & spending on others, & that’s complicating your need to split costs fairly with your partner.Thats why I suggest starting with a budget/expenditure analysis, rather than going straight to a discussion of expense sharing.

I think that would show OP has a good deal atm. I doubt she's spending more on food than they're doing miles at 40/45p per mile, if he does all the driving. Especially if she puts the wine on the shared tab, which I do think she must.

This is important instead of going halves, et cetera, focus on what YOU want. I have to watch that I'm not always paying half of a lot of stuff he wants but I wouldn't have paid for left to myself.

So for four years he’s used your heating, water, electricity, you’ve fed and watered him and all he does in return is drives for 40 minutes? And he’s never offered any contribution other than what he puts on your joint tab!?
He never says ‘come on I’ll treat us all to a takeaway/ dinner out/ few drinks at your local’?

This 100pc

Is he stingy in bed as well?

I have played a part

Please don't blame yourself. As you say, he should not take advantage of you like this. And he absolutely is taking advantage.

And he takes nice presents for himself and his dc.

OP, out of interest, has he talked about moving in with you / together?

Absolutely. As a fellow 50+ divorcee, the dating pool is crammed full of older men like this looking for their nurse with a purse to facilitate their freeloading as they enter their dotage.

Happy to be bankrolled for years and then when their non insubstantial pension kicks in, they’re off faster than Usain Bolt

Hence why the fastest growing group of singletons are women 50+ who say no thanks to being a walking ATM

I think gifts are a funny thing, and much more significant to some people than others.

I really don't care about gifts for myself, I like my birthday to be marked, but a small token or a walk somewhere beautiful is lovely to me, I don't want or need "stuff". My parents like to give me something, so I send them a link to something I need. The last thing I want is someone spending a lot on something "thoughtful" that either I'll never use or isnt quite the one I wanted.

For this reason, I'm a terrible present buyer and would much rather buy the rucksack I know they want, than splash out on something expensive they might not love.

And I'm really not tight. For the people I love I'd have a more or less unlimited budget for something I knew they really wanted, but I'm not going to buy "stuff" just to appear generous.

So how did you know he had been 'eyeing' up the expensive boots you then bought him for christmas. Forgive me for being cynical but I bet he knew damn well that would happen whilst you got a voucher for a massage or whatever.

Please don't let him move in with you!

As others in that if he is going to say you had the beach rental already he does not need to contribute the same is then true of his car and your contributions.

Personally if the relationship is as transactional as you say then you need to make you sure are not being taken advantage of. Additionally you need to support yourself and your child not him.

You may have said but out of interest (and this may have nothing to do with anything!) but where are you? Beach rental does not sound like the UK in winter!

Ha ha, I am in the UK - I am one of those odd people that like the seaside when its wet and windy and spectacular (and without masses of folks)!

Not at all, actually. Very generous is every other aspect of life - with his time/effort/acts of service and in bed! Emotionally very available too.