To not know how to make DD’s birthdays better?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My dd3 is 18. She’s autistic (although denies diagnosis) and has been out of education since doing GCSEs 2 years ago.

Lots of current issues which I won’t go into now but her recent birthdays have been problematic.

I know lots of autistic people don’t like celebrating birthdays but not her, she sets up high standards and then if things don’t go to plan, she gets upset.

Her 17th birthday (2024), I’d suggested lots of options - a theatre show, dinner out with family members, asked her what presents she would like etc. In the end she stayed in her room for most of it in spite of me asking her to come down. Eventually she did and we got a takeaway of her choice. I’d got her a cake too of course. Presents from that year are currently still un-used (she chose them but apparently is still deciding).

18th birthday in early 2025, as I’d done with my older two dds, I’d booked a spa hotel for me and her (having checked with her first). Nearer the time she started to say she didn’t want to go. Anyway we eventually went, got there late but all ok. Next day I’d booked a massage for both of us, again having checked with her, but she got herself into a state, sensory issues, too hot/cold, she hadn’t shaved her legs so we ended up not having the massages.

As the day wore on (her actual birthday) I started to rack my brain how we could spend the evening after the massage disappointment. She loves musicals so I managed to get last minute tickets. Drove from the hotel in Essex to nearest tube station, got the tube into central London, watched the show (which she loved), then reversed the route back to the hotel. Had Prosecco in the room when we got back which was lovely.

Next day checking out was stressful as I’d moved something of hers from one bag to another causing her stress and I couldn’t get her to leave the room.

Anyway I did my absolute best to make it nice for her.

Nearly a year on, she is still complaining about this birthday (and also the previous one come to that). For her 18th, I’d got her a lovely chocolate cake from a good baker with her name on it. She wasn’t happy with this because for dd2’s 18th (in lockdown) I’d got her a more personal cake. She also says she spent most of the day crying (this is not my recollection).

I am already dreading her 19th birthday in February. She hasn’t even had a present yet for her 18th because she likes to choose herself and hasn’t done this yet. I took her shopping to look for jewellery but she says she will look online which she hasn’t done yet. So now we have a backlog of presents which I can’t keep track of.

Any ideas how to manage this?

Honestly you have the patience of a Saint. I would have told her to sod off a fair few times in that story, autism or not.

I would discuss with her now that she's older - you will be getting a cake from the bakers, 1 day out she can decide on (suggest the theatre again since she obviously enjoyed this) and then a takeaway with the family. If she still insists on picking a present, get her an Amazon gift voucher.

You manage it by not making a big fuss about it.

She sounds like she does not enjoy a fuss!

Ask her to write down what her ideal (and realistic for her) birthday celebration would look like.

I think it’s ok to get less tolerant of this as she gets older - she needs to understand how to be polite even when things aren’t 100% her way. Speaking as an autistic woman here. Some of her behaviour is downright rude.

I would:
Scale it right back - small number of gifts, small activity/celebration.
Vouchers rather than gift, or cash.
Do a (for example) theatre trip on the weekend or days before the birthday so the pressure is off a bit, then a family meal (takeaway of her choice) and cake on the actual day - lower stakes.
I know we are all different but I’d say it’s unusual for autistic people to like unfamiliar environments, changes of plan and situations with a lot of sensory input - so things like a spa day and massage to me sounds like it would be doomed to fail I’m afraid. She may have an expectation of things she should enjoy because her sisters do, but ultimately dislikes them or finds them difficult.

This is screaming anxiety.

She sounds incredibly anxious.

The demand of the expectation around her birthday is likely overwhelming her.

Is she accessing any medical support or therapy?

Perhaps the surprises are sending her into a spin? Instead of taking the weight of planning for it to be wrong, plan it together?

You doing very patient tho. How does she function day to day? Not wanting a massage i can understand, but complaining about the cake probably needs discussing.

I would be giving cash or vouchers for her to use at her leisure, gift choosing is too overwhelming.

Perhspd you need to scale back, stop trying to make it perfect and try a more relaxed approach. She sounds like she wants all the celebrations but in reality it’s too much for her.

You seem to think your DD should feel happy on her birthday, but this is where she is currently: She’s autistic (although denies diagnosis) and has been out of education since doing GCSEs 2 years ago.

Lots of current issues which I won’t go into now

I think you have unrealistic birthday expectations for your DD. Accept where she is.

Regarding things like different cakes for the daughters - in future offer the same options and let the daughters pick. Be scrupulously fair on principle, but don't expect your DD to see it if she's having a tough time generally.

Edited to add: And 'fair' doesn't mean they have the same birthdays, it means they could have the same birthdays if that's what they chose - but they must have space to have very different birthdays be sure they are in very different places as people.

My 15yo DS chooses his own presents and sees them before they are wrapped up. Every birthday has the same routine to the day and there are absolutely no surprises. His birthdays have been the same each time (with an evolution of the activity) since he was about 4 and we realised celebrations that are about him are very hard for him. We would not do an activity he'd never done before. He is not expected to spend all day having 'birthday fun'- there is plenty of downtime baked in.

I think you are trying to do way too much.

I think you are trying to do far too much, especially at the last minute.

My niece is very similar- she likes a few presents in the morning, mostly gets spending money, a quiet day at home and then a takeaway of her choice and a cake (mostly home made, not fancy). By all means ask her if there is anything she wants to do but if she says no, she probably means it.

Stop making such a fuss of it.
Her birthday is just another day. You can do something nice and get her gifts, but it sounds like everything is very over the top and she likes the idea of it but gets overwhelmed when it’s happening.

I have an ASD DD of a similar age.

DD has low key birthdays, has done for years … her 18th was an “afternoon tea” at home, just family and one friend. Her 19th was a takeaway of her choice, just the three of us. I’m a party person, she isn’t, so I let her lead. I’ll say “ it’s your birthday coming up, let me know if you want to do anything” and leave it there.

As for college … mine went back this time, after 2 attempts that didn’t work out. She’s found a course she loves and is flying. I helped her find something..but she’s managing fine on her own now. School didn’t work out, EBSA for most of it, managed to get 5 GCSEs.

She was always fine with her diagnosis .. also had related anxiety, now takes Sertraline, which has been a huge game changer.

This sounds really tough op. Your dd is in denial about her diagnosis but clearly struggles in lots of ways. All her demands and being upset about having the perfect birthday are making you feel like a rubbish parent but you really aren't. I would agree with others though that maybe dial things back a bit. She won't be outwardly happy whatever you do, that is clear from her 18th and I suspect her mental health is in tatters which is why she is out of education and denying her diagnosis. Keep it low key. Chose a cake, book a show or a meal locally and if she doesn't chose a gift let it go. Let her lead the way and just sit back and sip a glass of prosecco to celebrate and let her get on with her crying and going to her room if that seems to be how she is chosing to process life right now. I sure you will be there for her when she decides to address her diagnosis and seek help.

She sounds like an absolute ungrateful brat, who doesn't use presents they chose for two years?!! I'd get a card, one present, takeaway and cake and that'd be her lot.

My DC get a homemade dark chocolate torte cake (they don’t like shop or bakery made cakes). Some money. A meal out or made at home (usually fillet steak at their request).

We did book an AirBNB and walk up Ben Nevis with them last year! Never again though as me and DH nearly died and at one point didn’t think we would make it down! Categorically told them to make some mountaineering friends quickly. Their own friends had all let them down can’t imagine why!!! At least they were very grateful even though we did slow them down at least 7 hours 😂

At some point you have to stop trying so much. It’s obviously not being received graciously or appreciatively by your DD. She needs to learn how to gain fulfilment on her own.

This! Your poor DD is finding it all too much.

I don't like a fuss being made for my birthday, never have really. I'd feel quite pressurised by the spa day idea or a musical. I prefer a cup of tea and some cake and maybe a small gift. One of my DDs is the same as me, whereas my other DD loves a big fuss so I ensure that's what happens.

We're all different, after all.

That’s because you don’t understand or have much experience with ASD.

Lucky you.

You said she has very high expectations.

You also said you have offered lots of big things and booked a massage but she wasn't able to do it.

Has she asked for these things because she likes the idea but then becomes overwhelmed or are you hearing she has high expectations because you've tried all these big ideas and they still aren't right and so assumed she wants more?

Tbh, I hate my birthday. The expectation to have fun, to he at the centre of everything but also worrying about whether other people are enjoying it or just doing it for me is horrific.

Other people want to do nice things for and expect you to want to do them but I can't.

Sometimes other people don't listen to what you're really saying because they don't understand what you want because you don't really know either. You like the idea of it but when it happens it's way too much.

I ask becauae I can't imagine anyone ever booking a massage for me or going for one. I like the idea of it in terms of feeling better afterwards and relaxed but I know the ectual experience would be Hell. I would also refuse. Did she ask for that or did you think it would be nice?

I had a big birthday recently. At my last big birthday, the stress of being constantly asked what I was doing for it caused a severe shutdown and I withdrew from lots of people because no one would listen or accept it because they wanted to do something nice akd didn't want me to miss put or regret doing nothing. This year, I let people organise it and then just didn't attend.

It's hard because part of me doesn't want to let birthdays go unacknowledged but I can't actually do anything for them. It causes a couple of months of anxiety in the run up.

But, moreso when I was younger, I wanted to do things like everyone else but couldn't manage it. And that was hard.

Hopefully, she will accept her diagnosis at some point and begin to do things that are right for her without feeling the pressure to do something else.

Sounds like she's got you running around in circles trying to please her. You need to stop this, it's not helping. She needs help to function as an adult and treating her as if she's 2 isn't the way to go.

She feels she ‘has’ to do these things because say her sisters did them or other reasons instead of considering if they’re right for her.

This is lovely.

Once I knew where my parents hid presents I used to slightly unwrap and rewrap them (they didn't know) because I couldn't cope with the surprise element.

Surprises don't feel nice. They feel like having a door infront of you and not knowing whether, when you open it, a tiny kitten or a hungry lion is going to be on the other side but you've got to open it either way. But I couldn't have articulated that to anyone when I was younger and, tbh, my parents wouldn't have understood anyway.

But she does! I would be more than happy to scale it back but she would then complain that she didn’t do anything.

And I understand this which is why I mentioned that I know many autistic people don’t like a fuss. But this isn’t her. The year we didn’t do anything other than a takeaway of her choice in the evening, she is still complaining 1.5 years later that it was rubbish.

It would be impossible to please her, how on earth will she cope in the real world when she is older if she carries on like this, autism is not an excuse to pander to her to this extent

I would make more sense to do a certain amount you feel is acceptable and move on

To be clear, nothing is done by me as a surprise. It’s all led by her eg the gifts. I would never buy surprise gifts, I know she likes to choose. But she finds it incredibly overwhelming just to decide which is why we still have un-used gifts from over a year ago. These are things she chose but isn’t 100% sure about.

That makes a lot of sense. I think part of growing up - for everyone but especially for autistic girls who can be easily led / susceptible - is learning to listen to that little voice inside telling us what we (really) want.