To not know how to make DD’s birthdays better?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My dd3 is 18. She’s autistic (although denies diagnosis) and has been out of education since doing GCSEs 2 years ago.

Lots of current issues which I won’t go into now but her recent birthdays have been problematic.

I know lots of autistic people don’t like celebrating birthdays but not her, she sets up high standards and then if things don’t go to plan, she gets upset.

Her 17th birthday (2024), I’d suggested lots of options - a theatre show, dinner out with family members, asked her what presents she would like etc. In the end she stayed in her room for most of it in spite of me asking her to come down. Eventually she did and we got a takeaway of her choice. I’d got her a cake too of course. Presents from that year are currently still un-used (she chose them but apparently is still deciding).

18th birthday in early 2025, as I’d done with my older two dds, I’d booked a spa hotel for me and her (having checked with her first). Nearer the time she started to say she didn’t want to go. Anyway we eventually went, got there late but all ok. Next day I’d booked a massage for both of us, again having checked with her, but she got herself into a state, sensory issues, too hot/cold, she hadn’t shaved her legs so we ended up not having the massages.

As the day wore on (her actual birthday) I started to rack my brain how we could spend the evening after the massage disappointment. She loves musicals so I managed to get last minute tickets. Drove from the hotel in Essex to nearest tube station, got the tube into central London, watched the show (which she loved), then reversed the route back to the hotel. Had Prosecco in the room when we got back which was lovely.

Next day checking out was stressful as I’d moved something of hers from one bag to another causing her stress and I couldn’t get her to leave the room.

Anyway I did my absolute best to make it nice for her.

Nearly a year on, she is still complaining about this birthday (and also the previous one come to that). For her 18th, I’d got her a lovely chocolate cake from a good baker with her name on it. She wasn’t happy with this because for dd2’s 18th (in lockdown) I’d got her a more personal cake. She also says she spent most of the day crying (this is not my recollection).

I am already dreading her 19th birthday in February. She hasn’t even had a present yet for her 18th because she likes to choose herself and hasn’t done this yet. I took her shopping to look for jewellery but she says she will look online which she hasn’t done yet. So now we have a backlog of presents which I can’t keep track of.

Any ideas how to manage this?

Fair/equal isn’t always “the same”- I feel like it would be worthwhile for both of you to sit down and have a chat around that theme.

I would approach it as this is the amount spent on your sisters birthday and this is the amount of time/days we allocated for celebration. You have the exact same budget and time/days allowance and it’s up to you how we spend it.

Then let her know she can tell you once she has made her decision. It’s fine to be firm and reflect on how she has responded to her last birthdays and say that you are not happy to deal with the stress and disappointment of unrealistic expectations.

In the mean time acceptance or not of her diagnosis I would recommend counselling for her so she understand her own needs better and can become comfortable with doing things that are best for her and not feeling that she has to have a birthday the same as her sister just because she thinks that how a birthday she be.

Has she asked for these things because she likes the idea but then becomes overwhelmed or are you hearing she has high expectations because you've tried all these big ideas and they still aren't right and so assumed she wants more?

@AutisticHouseMove definitely the former. I think it all stems from her refusal to accept her diagnosis. She feels she ‘has’ to do things rather than choose them if they’re right and enjoyable for her. I just don’t know how to manage this.

I have tried but her inflexibility and black/white thinking means there is no scope for reflection on her part 🤷‍♀️

She absolutely point blank refuses counselling or therapy, we’ve been trying for years. Because she’s not a ‘freak/retard’ (her words obviously) even though I’ve pointed out that it’s very common and the rest of our family have all had counselling at some point.

This sounds really hard OP. I think you're right in that it all stems from her difficulty accepting her diagnosis. She has to go to the Spa because that's what her 'normal' sisters did for their 18th even though deep down she probably knew (as did you) that it wasn't the right choice.

If she's concerned with fitting in/doing what others do. I would try and chat about 18ths more widely, specifically referencing anyone else you know who has had a different type of 18th. Just to let her know that there are a wide range of options that are considered fun and 'normal'.

Of course, working on helping her accept her diagnosis would be helpful, but I don't know how you do this. It's very difficult to navigate.

With the complaining, I would just reassure everyone else enjoyed it and say you're sorry she didn't and don't get involved in any arguments about it. Just "I had a lovely time spending time with you at the Spa. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it'.

How lovely.
It’s a good things you’re not her mum, isn’t it?

OP, you sound like you’re really trying. Bless you. She probably is too, even if it doesn’t seem like it sometimes.

However the birthdays you’ve described sound like a nightmare for someone with sensory issues tbh. Taking her out of her comfort zone on a day when she’s clearly very anxious doesn’t sound great.

Also, moving something from one bag to another might seem so inconsequential but in a heightened state of anxiety is exactly that kind of thing that could be remembered for a long time. These things happen. You have to move past it and don’t take it personally when she brings it up.

What activities does she enjoy ( apart from noisy ones like musicals)?

She sounds like she really feels the pressure on her birthdays. I’m not autistic but can get quite stressed when big event are going round even though I enjoy them when I go.

I would keep the birthdays low key. She might be happy with her favourite takeaway and watching something at home. Or see a quiet showing of something. Does she like walks? Playing games together? Visiting a museum?

She’s lucky to have you. You’ll make it work.

All the best.

Yard her mum. You can see the things she genuinely enjoys. Can you start from there?

Yes it sounds very much as though she’s requesting things she thinks she “should” like rather than actually enjoys. Like masking, she’s looking at other people and copying them.

I think the best thing you can do is encourage her to realise that different people celebrate birthdays in different ways and a low key celebration is fine if that’s the best option for her at the moment. Plus it’s not a competition with her sisters, if she has a low key celebration on her birthday she can do something special another time.

If she complains, don’t take it personally and go into overdrive. Just sympathise briefly “Yes it’s disappointing when things don’t turn out as we’d hoped isn’t it”, smile and say “Let’s maybe remember this when we make plans for next year.” If she goes on or is rude I would shut it down at that point.

Oh and diagnosis or not she needs to check her awful language- saying freak/ retard when talking about people is completely unacceptable in any context.

You have to accept that you are not responsible for her feelings. Wether it’s a big fuss or low key she doesn’t enjoy it and there nothing you can do about it. Ask her what she wants do that and accept how it goes. It’s one day a year .

Id just give her the money op

Tell her form now on your not planning her birthdays. She is 19 and can plan for herself

You will be happy to take her out for dinner/show/cafe etc as your treat but otherwise thats it

Let me know what you want for your birthday, otherwise we'll drive to the seaside and have fish and chips.

Honestly @bendmeoverbackwards you are bigging this up disproportionately. Buy her a new top and card and tell her there's x in the budget if she wants more and to let you know.

let her complain. It sounds as though she’ll complain anyway. You say she says she cried all day and you don’t remember that. Does she simply enjoy being the centre of attention? Don’t pay in advance for anything that can’t be cancelled, just buy her the gifts she wants and if she doesn’t want them on the day, ask if she wants you f send them back.

DS who is autistic can’t cope with choosing gifts either. He finds it incredibly stressful. Adult now, but was never able to do Santa lists like his siblings, for example. It’s difficult for everyone involved, but she’s not alone in finding this overwhelming.

Would counselling help her I wonder OP? With a psychologist who’s used to autism, I mean. Her expectations of herself to behave neurotypically (like her sisters) are causing her problems perhaps.

Having negotiated similar I would spread the load so its not all on one day.
She gets one trip out, could be a meal, a show, a tourist attraction or or a cinema trip etc. but she only gets one and its not on the day. She choses but you set the limits eg distance cost etc.
Almost all of these can be managed for quite times rather than mid friday night. Cinemas zoos and Theatres often have special quiet showings so look out for those.

You give her a financial limit on gifts and she gets to choose which one she opens on the day, the rest she can order and have when she thinks of them, so an amazon gift card at the beginning of the month works well.

On the day she gets her chosen gift to open if and when she wants to. Mine bakes her own cake, often on the day which really is a gift as the post baking kitchen detrashing is A LOT.
This leads nicely into a family movie at home and a takeaway of their choice.

Sometimes there is the opportunity for some post birthday " now you are __age we could get you a new look outfit / hairstyle/ nails..(whatever) to celebrate " and again it becomes simpler to chose a time when she's feeling able to manage the experience.

Hope any of that helps.

I am already dreading her 19th birthday in February. She hasn’t even had a present yet for her 18th because she likes to choose herself and hasn’t done this yet. I took her shopping to look for jewellery but she says she will look online which she hasn’t done yet. So now we have a backlog of presents which I can’t keep track of.

Sorry but, autism or not, you are massively overthinking this and turning it into something it isn't. It's a 19th birthday and it's 4 months away?!

If you're already fretting and stressing out about it then it would go some way to explain why your daughter has such high expectations...

You absolutely don't need to do anything at all apart from go for a meal and buy her a birthday present.

Thank you @SaySomethingMan

She does love the theatre and I take her quite a bit throughout the year (always cheap or discounted tickets; for the show on her 18th I splashed out on top price tickets to make it a bit more special).

Other than that, she loves animals. A while
ago, she found somewhere in London where you can do puppy yoga (no idea how ethical this is). I booked it, not for a special occasion, just because. On the day she didn’t want to go.

I always try and follow her lead, it’s not me driving the ‘big’ things. For her 18th I think she had an idea of how it ‘should’ be.

@Starlight1984 I’m not worrying about the birthday itself, it’s just a 19th. More than a dread of having to deal with her complaints.

Well that was kind of my point. Just give her money to do with as she wishes. If she doesn't want a present or a birthday meal then she can just keep the money to spend on something she sees at a later date.

At 19 it isn't on you to be arranging her birthdays for her, especially if she's just going to complain about them anyway.

Yes I suppose so @Starlight1984 I just feel sorry for her, she’s so unhappy at the moment but I try and remind myself that it’s not my job to fix that.

She keeps bringing up the same things time and time again. How her birthdays have been disappointing, her sister’s 18th birthday cake was ‘better’ than hers etc. I’ve tried not to react and just say I’m sorry you’re disappointed/didnt like it but then she accuses me of putting words in her mouth and that’s not what she said 🤷‍♀️

@GoodVibesHere its all driven by her not me. If she wanted a low key birthday or even do nothing, that’s fine with me. But she wouldn’t want that.

I think you're putting the focus on completely the wrong thing though. And posting - and thinking about - her birthday in Feb is probably adding to the problem as you're making a big a deal of it as she is.

Maybe ask her a month beforehand what she would like as a present. If she says nothing then say you will just give her money as you don't want to give her a gift she doesn't want or need.

Ask the week before if she would like to go for dinner or get a takeaway on the day. If she says neither then leave her be.

You need to explain to her that she is now an adult and it isn't down to others to be planning her birthday for her.

As an aside, if she hasn't been in education since she was 16 what is she doing with herself day to day? As I can imagine if she is just sat at home every day then this will be contributing massively to her general unhappiness and probably needs addressing more than the birthday issue....

Avoid vouchers if possible. My dd (same age and autistic) has been given vouchers by relatives that go unused as she finds the choices associated with them too much, then they end up expiring so a total waste of money. Maybe an IOU homemade voucher would be better for an activity of her choice - or would a choice of just 2 or 3 things - make the decision making easier and less overwhelming.
Your birthday treats sound really lovely though - I'd happily swap with her if she doesn't want them!

You need to explain to her that she is now an adult and it isn't down to others to be planning her birthday for her.

I think those saying she’s an adult, it’s not up to OP to be organising things etc, are forgetting that many autistic teens are emotionally immature, so that an 18 year old may be functioning (emotionally) at the level of a 13 year old. It depends on the person.

Also…adults can do with be treated on occasion too, though I know it’s difficult to know what to do best in this particular situation. But stepping back might make DD feel worse I think (though I do think her plans and her idea of a perfect birthday are overwhelming her). I think spreading out the treats so it’s not focused on one day might help a bit? I know it helps autistic DS.