To not know how to make DD’s birthdays better?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My dd3 is 18. She’s autistic (although denies diagnosis) and has been out of education since doing GCSEs 2 years ago.

Lots of current issues which I won’t go into now but her recent birthdays have been problematic.

I know lots of autistic people don’t like celebrating birthdays but not her, she sets up high standards and then if things don’t go to plan, she gets upset.

Her 17th birthday (2024), I’d suggested lots of options - a theatre show, dinner out with family members, asked her what presents she would like etc. In the end she stayed in her room for most of it in spite of me asking her to come down. Eventually she did and we got a takeaway of her choice. I’d got her a cake too of course. Presents from that year are currently still un-used (she chose them but apparently is still deciding).

18th birthday in early 2025, as I’d done with my older two dds, I’d booked a spa hotel for me and her (having checked with her first). Nearer the time she started to say she didn’t want to go. Anyway we eventually went, got there late but all ok. Next day I’d booked a massage for both of us, again having checked with her, but she got herself into a state, sensory issues, too hot/cold, she hadn’t shaved her legs so we ended up not having the massages.

As the day wore on (her actual birthday) I started to rack my brain how we could spend the evening after the massage disappointment. She loves musicals so I managed to get last minute tickets. Drove from the hotel in Essex to nearest tube station, got the tube into central London, watched the show (which she loved), then reversed the route back to the hotel. Had Prosecco in the room when we got back which was lovely.

Next day checking out was stressful as I’d moved something of hers from one bag to another causing her stress and I couldn’t get her to leave the room.

Anyway I did my absolute best to make it nice for her.

Nearly a year on, she is still complaining about this birthday (and also the previous one come to that). For her 18th, I’d got her a lovely chocolate cake from a good baker with her name on it. She wasn’t happy with this because for dd2’s 18th (in lockdown) I’d got her a more personal cake. She also says she spent most of the day crying (this is not my recollection).

I am already dreading her 19th birthday in February. She hasn’t even had a present yet for her 18th because she likes to choose herself and hasn’t done this yet. I took her shopping to look for jewellery but she says she will look online which she hasn’t done yet. So now we have a backlog of presents which I can’t keep track of.

Any ideas how to manage this?

Spot on @Housefallingdown she is much younger emotionally than her age.

If I ask her to choose anything, eg present or money, dinner out or takeaway, she’ll just say she doesn’t know 🤷‍♀️

I am likely somewhere on the spectrum, although not diagnosed, and the build up to occasions like this often means that the actual occasion doesn’t live up to the expectations you had in your head and as a result you are disappointed.

You need to make birthdays not to be such a big thing, especially now she’s over 18. It’s a nice day, and she can pick something nice to do, maybe somewhere to go for dinner, and she will get a few presents. But that’s it, it’s definitely not this big thing that is built up for months before. I can completely understand how that results in disappointment. And as for still owing her presents from years ago, that’s crazy. And again it shows that it’s such a big thing for her that she has to feel she has the perfect present.

I think you need to calm things down a bit, don’t talk about birthdays too much in the months leading up to it, have a nice day and move on.

Yes, I have exactly the same with DS, also an older teen. It seems to be too much pressure, too much of a demand, exhausting, and his standard response is also ‘I don’t know’. Because he usually doesn’t.

This difficulty is not unusual in autistic people I believe.
https://livingautism.com/decision-making-problems-adults-asd/

I can relate to this. Sounds exactly like my ASD DD!

After many birthday / Christmas disasters, I’ve learned my lesson. What works for us:

Step back and do absolutely nothing. When she starts to speak about her birthday, simply listen, smile, nod. Don’t book anything, don’t buy anything. Take a step back and let the day roll around. Don’t plan anything special, or any surprises. Let her lead the way. If she asks for a specific gift, restaurant, cake or takeaway, oblige. But don’t suggest anything. Lower the expectations on both her and you.

We now use the Go Wish app. She adds links to her wish page of things she likes so we can share it with family / friends. If it’s not on the wish page, we don’t buy it.

And we don’t ask what she wants, or what she’d like to do.

How would she handle a surprise?

She clearly doesn’t like to choose though. I also find choice and especially vouchers very stress inducing so. I wouldn’t recommend vouchers. Just buy her something and explain as she didn’t choose anything last year this is her present and to accept it graciously even if it’s not 100% perfect! Also if possibly buy her a stocking type idea of little bits so there’s not just a single item that can disappoint.

Autism or not, she sounds like a spoilt brat. She’s 18, not 8. Stop pandering to her.

And what is her plan for work if she’s not at school? What will you do if she intends to live off you (apparently ungratefully) for years? Stop making a rod for your own back.

Autism is a disability @HeyThereDelila. Unfortunately it’s more difficult to access the workplace, not impossible but difficult all the same.

My Daughter is like this, wants such grand birthdays but I find it really hard to live up to expectations. Then sense she feels disappointed. No advice just solidarity!!

Can one of her sisters help with this? This sounds similar to my DS but he will often respond very well to his older sister who is very firm (but fair) with him.This year we were on holiday when it was his birthday. We were going for drinks and snacks at a venue he wanted to see, at the last minute he decided he wasn't coming. I told him that was grand and to come and find us if he changed his mind (he did)
Between him and his sister they then both sorted what was happening for the rest of the day.

I do always speak with him later on when he has been rude, so he is aware of how he has came across to others.

I don't think the issue is autism so much as entitlement.

She's being demanding and spoilt.

What did she organise for your last birthday?

OP, maybe you could try explaining to her that now she is an adult, ibrthdays will be much "smaller" (which is the norm in most families anyway). If she doesn't like surprises, give her a budget (say, £50 or £100) and she can choose one gift up to that amount. If there's nothing she wants, tell her you'll put it in a savings account for her, and she can spend it at a future date. Write her a nice card, and make or buy a birthday cake. That's it. Don't let her push or bully you into doing more - I accept that autism is difficult, but it doesn't give her the right to upset and manipulate you.

As PP said - is she doing anything now she's out of education? Even volunteering would give her something to do so she's not just wasting her time thinking about her birthday constantly. Does she have any friends or hobbies?

@CrazyCatMam it feels mean to do nothing. I think she’s be hurt. We do mark birthdays in our family, obviously something nice for 18th and 21st birthdays but even the others we’d do cards, cake and a few presents.

She’s not doing much at all and her life lacks structure and purpose. She wants to go to university but has no idea of courses or possible careers. Again she feels she ‘has’ to without any critical thought if it’s right for her.

Ive suggested volunteering or a part time job. But I’ve stopped with the suggestions now because its not getting anywhere.

She does a bit of babysitting which she organises herself.

Ive taken on the principles of a particular parenting course which says to throw away the timetable, take the pressure off and allow dc to do things when they’re ready. Whether this is right approach or not I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

I tried giving her a budget a few years ago when she sent me loads of links for £££ presents. She said it stresses her out to have a budget 🙄 So instead I bought her a few gifts from her list which she still says she hasn’t decided about.

Is there an animal rescue nearby that you could see if they take volunteers? The one near me posts for extra dog walkers sometimes. We also have a local community college that does animal care courses. Maybe something similar might be a good fit for her 🤔

Dgd is much younger but also autistic and has massive issues around expectations not going to plan. It's really tough trying to navigate it so I get it to an extent.

Hi OP

I've got two autistic children and an autistic husband - I just wanted to send support and say you sound like such a lovely, patient Mum!

To be honest - you're a lot nicer and more patient than I am.

It sounds quite exhausting to be having to listen to complaints from 2 years ago, especially when it was planned around what she asked for.

For me, personally, I've found that when things get cyclical and it feels like we're going around in circles with the same complaints I firmly say that I'm not willing to talk about it anymore. I'm sure that's not in any of the parenting advice about ASC, but I feel that my kids sometimes need to be told to just stop and that's enough.

Re birthdays...it sounds like there is so much more going on that 'the Day' itself and that you know what's driving your DD. She's got a great Mum! I wish I had some thoughts on that, but it honestly sounds like you've tried so much already.

Sending some solidarity and a cup of tea!

Thank you @SussexLass87

I think you raise a valid point in shutting the conversation down when it’s repeating over and over.

I currently have a ££ hoodie and some Charlotte Tilbury make up untouched sitting downstairs from either her 17th birthday or a few Christmas’s ago I can’t remember. She says she ‘still needs to decide’. Any suggestions how I handle this?

Christmas last year was much easier, I gave all 3 some money plus a stocking and will do the same this year.

But she still feels she’s owed a 17th and 18th birthday present and I’m losing the will to live!

SD is autistic, just turned 16 and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said maybe Lego vouchers because she was saving for the Avengers Tower. I said how about we buy you the Avengers Tower and that will be for both birthday and Christmas. She was absolutely delighted and has thanked me about 50 times. I've reminded her that she only has a few small things to open on Christmas and she's said again that she doesn't expect anything and is grateful for the birthday gift.

I think your DD really needs an attitude adjustment. Presents are not an entitlement- especially for an adult. Remind her that she's not "owed" a gift at all, for any birthday.

What an ungrateful brat. You are more patient than me, OP.

Despite her condition she sounds like an entitled selfish girl.

I think a lot of the comments here are unfair to be honest. Many autistic people have real difficulty with choice and decision-making. Yes, it’s very hard on OP and I completely sympathise. Disability often affects the whole family unfortunately. I think some pps aren’t very familiar with autism.

I know someone who finds being told to choose something very difficult, for example: "What would you like for dinner?" They wouldn't be able to answer and offering them 100 different options would all be rejected.

The solution was giving the person limited choices of 2 things you know they like and 1 thing you know they don't like, for example: "For dinner you have a choice of pasta bolognaise or cottage pie or jellied eels. What will you pick?" They always picked something and were very happy with the choice.

So perhaps for your daughter's birthday give her limited choices. Try the strategy small with gifts, do you want earrings or a necklace or a granny glasses chain?

I also thing try shifting her perspective of things. If she is determined to compare everything with what her sister got, then frame what she is getting as better than her sisters. Start saying how you might plan a great theater show for her birthday and you feel awfully guilty you didn't think of it for her sisters birthday as its such a good idea and her sister really missed out. Warn your other daughter about this in advance though.

Another way to shift her perspective is to take her with you to volunteer at a homeless shelter or a food bank. Maybe start now with helping her buy a gift for a child from one of thoes Angel trees. That way she can see how lucky she is compared to others. She will also get a nice self esteem boost from helping others. Again frame this as something you want to do, like it's your new years revolution and how you would like her to join you for special mother daughter time just for her.