To not know how to make DD’s birthdays better?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My dd3 is 18. She’s autistic (although denies diagnosis) and has been out of education since doing GCSEs 2 years ago.

Lots of current issues which I won’t go into now but her recent birthdays have been problematic.

I know lots of autistic people don’t like celebrating birthdays but not her, she sets up high standards and then if things don’t go to plan, she gets upset.

Her 17th birthday (2024), I’d suggested lots of options - a theatre show, dinner out with family members, asked her what presents she would like etc. In the end she stayed in her room for most of it in spite of me asking her to come down. Eventually she did and we got a takeaway of her choice. I’d got her a cake too of course. Presents from that year are currently still un-used (she chose them but apparently is still deciding).

18th birthday in early 2025, as I’d done with my older two dds, I’d booked a spa hotel for me and her (having checked with her first). Nearer the time she started to say she didn’t want to go. Anyway we eventually went, got there late but all ok. Next day I’d booked a massage for both of us, again having checked with her, but she got herself into a state, sensory issues, too hot/cold, she hadn’t shaved her legs so we ended up not having the massages.

As the day wore on (her actual birthday) I started to rack my brain how we could spend the evening after the massage disappointment. She loves musicals so I managed to get last minute tickets. Drove from the hotel in Essex to nearest tube station, got the tube into central London, watched the show (which she loved), then reversed the route back to the hotel. Had Prosecco in the room when we got back which was lovely.

Next day checking out was stressful as I’d moved something of hers from one bag to another causing her stress and I couldn’t get her to leave the room.

Anyway I did my absolute best to make it nice for her.

Nearly a year on, she is still complaining about this birthday (and also the previous one come to that). For her 18th, I’d got her a lovely chocolate cake from a good baker with her name on it. She wasn’t happy with this because for dd2’s 18th (in lockdown) I’d got her a more personal cake. She also says she spent most of the day crying (this is not my recollection).

I am already dreading her 19th birthday in February. She hasn’t even had a present yet for her 18th because she likes to choose herself and hasn’t done this yet. I took her shopping to look for jewellery but she says she will look online which she hasn’t done yet. So now we have a backlog of presents which I can’t keep track of.

Any ideas how to manage this?

I’d leave the untouched presents with no pressure, and give her some money in an account for her 18th, I think.

It’s very hard to know what the right thing is and at the end of the day, dd might still say you did it all wrong!

I can empathise hugely with the wanting a huge fuss but being unable to cope. and with not wanting to be anywhere near the ND community. I think sometimes for my dd, even she says ‘I want a big party’ (for example), she is really saying ‘I want to be able to do that’ and ‘I want to be what I see as normal’. It’s a process of getting to grips with who they are and what they like, I think. And all we can do is support them through it.

And Breathe. You’re amazing, truly amazing. I’m going to be blunt and it’s not because I’m mean but I think sometimes we need people to be blunt. It’s okay if your daughter isn’t happy all the time. I know it’s hard when they are autistic (I have an 8 year old autistic son) but you have done everything you can. Not all of this is autism. Some of this is selfish teenager stuff. You need to try and scale it all back and if she complains just let it go over your head. I say to mine all the time ‘I’m trying my best. I’m doing what I know is for the best even if it doesn’t make you happy.’ And I say it to myself when I feel like I’m failing. You are certainly not failing. She is very lucky to have you. My son never enjoys any special occasions and I doubt he ever will and it’s not my fault and I can’t change it, he wants to but it is too overstimulating. I suspect your daughter is the same.

This is really good advice x

I agree with this, it's something I have experienced, the 'this could be yours, but when it is, you adjust as well.'
My parents gave me some money for a Liberty bag when I was turning 21, which I really wanted and thought was lovely. I got up close and ready to buy it and realised that it would be a bad match size-wise and with the way it opened (completely hinged like a suitcase). Just couldn't bring myself to spend the money on it even though I went back twice, and eventually the money got used on 'life'.
I slightly regret it but also haven't changed my mind on why I would have been a bit disappointed by it if I had got it.
I also think that possibly it's the expectation that birthdays must be 101 percent special with no glitches that is the pressure in itself. This isn't true and you have to roll with the parts that can't fit that, a lot of the time, same with Christmas etc. They are special but not fantasy-level special. I like the sentiment of 'On the other hand, next Tuesday could be unexpectedly magical for no real reason at all,' when ND is an element.

@Lamentingalways I needed to read this after Christmas and low key felt like my daughter was disappointed in her very expensive presents because the ‘haul’ wasn’t as big as others x