To not know how to make DD’s birthdays better?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My dd3 is 18. She’s autistic (although denies diagnosis) and has been out of education since doing GCSEs 2 years ago.

Lots of current issues which I won’t go into now but her recent birthdays have been problematic.

I know lots of autistic people don’t like celebrating birthdays but not her, she sets up high standards and then if things don’t go to plan, she gets upset.

Her 17th birthday (2024), I’d suggested lots of options - a theatre show, dinner out with family members, asked her what presents she would like etc. In the end she stayed in her room for most of it in spite of me asking her to come down. Eventually she did and we got a takeaway of her choice. I’d got her a cake too of course. Presents from that year are currently still un-used (she chose them but apparently is still deciding).

18th birthday in early 2025, as I’d done with my older two dds, I’d booked a spa hotel for me and her (having checked with her first). Nearer the time she started to say she didn’t want to go. Anyway we eventually went, got there late but all ok. Next day I’d booked a massage for both of us, again having checked with her, but she got herself into a state, sensory issues, too hot/cold, she hadn’t shaved her legs so we ended up not having the massages.

As the day wore on (her actual birthday) I started to rack my brain how we could spend the evening after the massage disappointment. She loves musicals so I managed to get last minute tickets. Drove from the hotel in Essex to nearest tube station, got the tube into central London, watched the show (which she loved), then reversed the route back to the hotel. Had Prosecco in the room when we got back which was lovely.

Next day checking out was stressful as I’d moved something of hers from one bag to another causing her stress and I couldn’t get her to leave the room.

Anyway I did my absolute best to make it nice for her.

Nearly a year on, she is still complaining about this birthday (and also the previous one come to that). For her 18th, I’d got her a lovely chocolate cake from a good baker with her name on it. She wasn’t happy with this because for dd2’s 18th (in lockdown) I’d got her a more personal cake. She also says she spent most of the day crying (this is not my recollection).

I am already dreading her 19th birthday in February. She hasn’t even had a present yet for her 18th because she likes to choose herself and hasn’t done this yet. I took her shopping to look for jewellery but she says she will look online which she hasn’t done yet. So now we have a backlog of presents which I can’t keep track of.

Any ideas how to manage this?

I really think you could back off in terms of planning birthday celebrations for your DD. She's an adult now, even though she may seem emotionally much younger. But if possible, could you just hand over the reins to her and say that she can choose how to celebrate (within reason, of course) and organise everything herself? You could offer to be her "assistant" if there are any tasks she finds overwhelming, but she would be the one directing the plans.

I have a brother who is autistic. When he was growing up, autism was not as well understood as it is now (though I would say we are still very far from truly understanding it, but that's a discussion for another thread). But I think that one thing my parents did (which ultimately did him no favours) was to pander to him too much. I know they always tried their best and often felt at a loss as to how to help him. But they didn't really encourage him to be independent and IMO that has significantly held him back in life.

I wouldn’t bother tbh .

You need to set some clear parameters. So, if she doesn't choose a present before 1 month after her birthday (or whatever you think is reasonable) then she's lost the chance for that year. It's rude to complain about people doing what you have asked and trying to celebrate you. Therefore she can tell you if she's disappointed, but that is then done. I'd give her one chance at the cake of her dreams: she tells you exactly what she wants and then that is it, the cake conversation is over.

I think you need a firm conversation about social rules for adult birthdays. She's an adult now, and she needs to understand this.

This is just me, but I think I've been guilty of making everything "okay" for my kids - far far too much than I should have.

Everything in life is just harder for them, and it's awful to watch...but I worry that I've been too bending in the past. E.G sometimes things like "What's for dinner" will be slightly different to what we've usually had.

I say this, because it's interesting that she thinks she can "still decide" about presents from 1 or 2 years ago. In her thinking does she think she change her mind and you'll be able to return them? (I'm guessing that you can't now, that too much time has passed?) My DC sometimes construct their own interpretations of things that are facts!

I think I'd gently and firmly explain that they can't be returned and that's it now. That she asked for them, you bought them, and that's it. She can sell them on eBay or something, but there comes a point where it isn't socially acceptable to tell the person who bought you a present how much you don't want it.

That sounds quite harsh when written down, but it's all said with care for your DD.

Worth repeating: you're a brilliant Mum!

But did they then spend 2 years complaining and blaming the choice they made on someone else?

I'd stop engaging with her about birthdays full stop. Tell her she's getting money and you are drawing a line under any presents she thinks she's "owed" how incredibly entitled and brattish to think she can string gifts out of you for years on end.

The thing is hyper fixation is part of autism. Sometimes they simply can't let something go. In the same way some people with autism keep bringing up star wars or gardening etc. Yes it's unpleasant for everyone else, especially the mother who tired so hard. Unfortunately sometimes it just can't be helped and it's probably just as unpleasant for the daughter to be hyper fixated on an unhappy memory. It's not the OPs fault, and it also may not be the daughter's fault. Regardless no one can change the past. Best thing to combat an unpleasant hyper fixation is to replace it with a better one, however that takes time and multiple attempts.

My DD is 19. I've learned the hard way too. Now we do:
No surprises - she chooses her presents or we let her choose something at a later date if she can't decide
Very low key day - I let her lead
Usually presents when she gets up, takeaway and cake and that's it.

My son on the other hand is very different and wants an action packed day every year!

Speak to your daughter beforehand and find out what she wants. Then go with this x

I think this is a reasonable approach (I also have an autistic girl who gets worked up over birthdays although in a somewhat different way).

At the end of the day, whatever the reasons for it, it's pretty tedious for birthday discussion to take up SO much headspace

Does she blame the choice she made on someone else?
And, yes, hyperfixation is common in autism as pp said.

She often doesn’t know what she wants though.

@JustPassingThyme her attitude actually stings more for me now as I started a new job last year working for a humanitarian aid charity so I see first hand how little some people have. When I point this out to her she accuses me of ‘guilt tripping’ her.

@JustPassingThyme as you clearly understand autism well, how would approach the issue of the backlog of presents? It’s obviously too late to return the hoodie and make up.

How about two options, either you give them to her to use or you sell them on eBay/ vinted and she can put the money to something else. Either way I agree with other posters, all this talk about backdated presents and owing presents needs a line drawn under it.

I suppose that’s reasonable @Heronwatcher

@JustPassingThyme you are so right about the hyper fixation, she just can’t let things go.

I completely sympathise. Youngest DS turned 18 in May. DS1 (now 25) had a surprise party at home for his 18th. DS2 hates surprises and doesn’t drink so didn’t want a party. Then he spent the month leading up to his birthday complaining that we prefer his brother and treat him better!!
Any attempt to discuss what he wanted with met with resistance. In the end I text him to say “ obviously you’re finding the pressure to decide overwhelming, balls in your court, text me when you decide”
About a week later he messaged me back to say he’d like a PS5 and a meal at an Italian restaurant.

Does she have a compassionate nature? How would she feel about donating them to a food bank for kids for Christmas?

I could ask her this but I’m sure she’d a) accuse me of guilt tripping her, and b) see it as very unfair as I didn’t ask her sisters to donate their presents.

but sounds like she's also complaining that the following year when you spent a fortune and run around like an idiot treating her wasn't great either. So if you can't win with her you can at least save yourself the time, effort and stress.

I agree with pps, dial it right back. Not even as a punishment for her behaviour, it's very normal to have post 18 bdays be a lot more low key.

If she's grown up a bit by then maybe pay for something special for her 21st but get her to organise it, but for the next few years I'd just leave her to it - give her a few small presents to open and money to buy something herself. If she wants to plan something say 'that's great, let us know the time and place with at least a week's notice and we'll be there.' If she doesn't, it doesn't happen. Even if she has anxiety or struggles with communicating she can buy tickets for pretty much everything online, or ask for help - if she doesn't she can't be that bothered.

Does she need to have amazing Birthdays?

I certainly didn't at that age and quite honestly have learnt that if I want a great birthday I need to a) organise stuff myself, and b) not have high expectations.

She sounds like she's been quite manipulative tbh and that you're being played like a puppet.

I have dc that sort of age and we do things as a family - eg a theatre trip , cinema trip, meal out.
I know one of my dc doesn't have great bdays due to the date she was born on, but it is what it is.

Yes it must be difficult for you to see the disparity in comparison to what others lack. For whatever reason (logical or not) she feels that way as well about cake or parties. Despite the fact she clearly is very lucky to have a dedicated loving mother. She may be a bit upset with herself for not being the same as other people and feel like no matter what she is given or archives, because she struggles due to autism, she will always be behind in some way?

Maybe start a conversation about how she is very talented with certain skill, and how there are unfortunate people who need help and her skills would be just perfect for that. Mention how you know she is a lovely girl and you know she would love to be of help. Talk about memories you have of when she was younger she was being helpful and generous.

Give her a good reputation and easy opportunities to live up to it, then genuine praise afterwards. The key phrase is: you must be so proud of yourself. Start small with things like helping around the house, like she folds laundry really well, she can make the best cup of tea, she picked the perfect donation for the food bank when doing the weekly shop.

Do you think she would like volunteering for autism charity or organisation? They would know best how to support her and she would have plenty of opportunity to meet others with autism. If she is disagreemnt about her diagnosis and reluctant to get help you could suggest voulenteering for an autism chsirty as a way for her to prove she is doing well.

As for the presents I'm not sure? You could do a family activity of a present graveyard in the run up to Christmas where everyone has to bring 1 or 2 gifts they have recieved and didn't like or use then you discuss as a family why you didn't like or use it so people know for the future and how you all are going to repurpose the gift or sell or donate it.
If everyone is doing it then she can't say it's all directed at her and she will get a chance to see it's not all perfect for her parents and sisters. Set the example for her by saying something like: I got bath bombs in the work secret santa and they irritate my skin so if no one in the family wants them I will donate them, in future I'd prefer bath salts.

As for her possible hyperfixation on being given presents she doesn't like maybe you could turn the discussion onto the presents she has given to others in the past? Talk broadly on how difficult it can be to pick out presents for others. Ask her how she would approach the problem of not knowing what to give people.

Thank you @JustPassingThyme some good tips.

There’s no way she would go anywhere near an autism charity unfortunately, she hates even hearing the word.

Doing things around the house is a whole other issue. My older two dds cook sometimes and unload the dishwasher etc. She says she can’t do the dishwasher due to sensory issues so I give her the job of unloading the online food shop. Sometimes she point blank refuses this or the bags will sit there for days on end (Dh will put the cold stuff away).

Very kindly I think you would benefit from stepping back.
No more back log of presents. That’s not how they work.
You have taken her shopping. You have done your part. Don’t offer/look/buy anything else.
Get her a cake and a card and a small gift.
If this is her tendency- to compare, the feel she is worse off - then this is what she will do. And accept there is little you can do about it.
Plan something nice for the day for your self - afterall giving birth is really quite hard work. Eg afternoon tea. Invite her too but don’t expect her to come along.

I'm sure it's out of love, just perhaps you might be slightly too accommodating? For disabilities you need to provide reasonable adjustments not unreasonable free passes. I say this as someone with disabilities. One day she won't have her parents there to do her dishes. So the best thing for her really is helping her to cope now when she has the luxury of support.

Talk her through what exactly her sensory issues are and come up with a strategies, give her choices on how she does it but she has to do it regardless.

What are the sensory issues with the dishwasher? If its touching steamy plates get her a pair of gloves? Not liking the steam in her face (fair enough I don't either) she can crack the dishwasher when it's finished to let the steam out and unload it later? If it's the sound of the plates get her headphones with music or earplugs. There is always a solution, you just need to get creative.

Is she refusing to unpack shopping or genuinely forgetting to unpack the shopping or does she have executive disfunction and really intends to do it but can't quite get around to it? Figure out why then figure out a solution. If it's forgetting or executive disfunction get her to set alarms on her phone. If it's refusal then make it her problem, move the bags to her bedroom and go in there every time you need a tin of beans. Back to the 3 choice strategy, you unpack the shopping now, by 6pm, or it all goes up to your room at 6pm.

I would do something familiar and she would enjoy, like a restaurant you’ve been to
before. Minimise new things even if you think she would like them, or save them for home in a safe environment.