To not know how to make DD’s birthdays better?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My dd3 is 18. She’s autistic (although denies diagnosis) and has been out of education since doing GCSEs 2 years ago.

Lots of current issues which I won’t go into now but her recent birthdays have been problematic.

I know lots of autistic people don’t like celebrating birthdays but not her, she sets up high standards and then if things don’t go to plan, she gets upset.

Her 17th birthday (2024), I’d suggested lots of options - a theatre show, dinner out with family members, asked her what presents she would like etc. In the end she stayed in her room for most of it in spite of me asking her to come down. Eventually she did and we got a takeaway of her choice. I’d got her a cake too of course. Presents from that year are currently still un-used (she chose them but apparently is still deciding).

18th birthday in early 2025, as I’d done with my older two dds, I’d booked a spa hotel for me and her (having checked with her first). Nearer the time she started to say she didn’t want to go. Anyway we eventually went, got there late but all ok. Next day I’d booked a massage for both of us, again having checked with her, but she got herself into a state, sensory issues, too hot/cold, she hadn’t shaved her legs so we ended up not having the massages.

As the day wore on (her actual birthday) I started to rack my brain how we could spend the evening after the massage disappointment. She loves musicals so I managed to get last minute tickets. Drove from the hotel in Essex to nearest tube station, got the tube into central London, watched the show (which she loved), then reversed the route back to the hotel. Had Prosecco in the room when we got back which was lovely.

Next day checking out was stressful as I’d moved something of hers from one bag to another causing her stress and I couldn’t get her to leave the room.

Anyway I did my absolute best to make it nice for her.

Nearly a year on, she is still complaining about this birthday (and also the previous one come to that). For her 18th, I’d got her a lovely chocolate cake from a good baker with her name on it. She wasn’t happy with this because for dd2’s 18th (in lockdown) I’d got her a more personal cake. She also says she spent most of the day crying (this is not my recollection).

I am already dreading her 19th birthday in February. She hasn’t even had a present yet for her 18th because she likes to choose herself and hasn’t done this yet. I took her shopping to look for jewellery but she says she will look online which she hasn’t done yet. So now we have a backlog of presents which I can’t keep track of.

Any ideas how to manage this?

You’re also over complicating it a bit. She decided what she wants before her birthday or she gets cash.
She plans the day she wants, or she gets the cash. If she plans it and doesn’t go, that’s fine too, but she’s spent the cash.

Have you explained that she’s not “still deciding” on her 17th birthday presents. She has decided, they’re not returnable now. She never has to use them, but there’s no more 17th birthday gifts coming as she changed her mind on what she picked.

I think sometimes you have to put the parameters and rules in so she can follow them. Having forever to make a choice is scary and never ending and it’s easy to not make a choice. So provide her the framework to do it in (ie choose or cash, not choose when you feel like it).

But you also might need to accept that she doesn’t enjoy birthdays, even though she wants to and thinks she might enjoy this one.

Get her a personalised cake though this time… maybe even ask the her ideal cake theme would be so you get it right.

Present backlog.

move it out of sight into a bag where she can fetch it if she decides. out of sight. And repeat-
presents are there in the bag in …. they either are used or go back in the bag.

6
i think you’re feeding the anxiety gremlin.

I have definitely been too accommodating. With the dishwasher, she doesn’t like the feel of hot, slightly wet plates. An easy solution to this is to allow the dishwasher to cool down before unloading. I have suggested this to her but I just got a hard ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’. Older 2 dds are quite rightly pissed off that she does nothing.

The shopping? It depends. Sometimes she means to but doesn’t get round to it. Sometimes it’s ‘no, I’m not doing it’.

I think other posters have been helpful re reducing the pressure but just wanted to add something about not using presents straight away (or sometimes even for months) from an autistic woman. I can be super grateful for presents but not use them straight away. Part of autism is a reliance on routine and changing the way you behave or the things you use can feel really uncomfortable for a little while, but that doesn't mean they aren't appreciated or eventually used loads. Lots of us also have an element of demand avoidance so the pressure to use new things immediately can make us withdraw even more. In 2018 Christmas I was given a pair of headphones which I loved but had never used over ear headphones before. I didn't use them regularly until late 2019 which may seem rude (luckily, not living with my parents, they didn't know!) but it's now 6 years later and I still use them all the time, it just took some time to get used to them. So I'd try not to view that as ungrateful necessarily, depending on whether she expresses her gratitude/eventually does give things a go.

If she brings up the present thing again, I'd just explain that the responsibility of a gift giver is to do their best to get something the recipient likes. But once the present is handed over, the responsibility ends there. Sometimes gifts miss the mark, or it isn't what the recipient wants, but that doesn't mean they are owed a new gift. It's then up to the recipient what they do with the gift, whether they use it anyway, sell it, etc.

Ooh I recognise some of these traits in myself and my DD1 (no diagnosis but suspect some traits) - especially the inability to decide on presents etc and the worry of getting it wrong.

I think sometimes you have to be a bit firm/strict, even if someone is autistic / has autistic traits. If (for example) she brings up the previous cakes again, I'd just say in a fairly firm tone, we've discussed the cakes, I don't want to discuss them anymore.

Likewise with the presents from her 17th, I would just say those are your presents and it's too late to change them now. Encourage her to try them and say if you're not keen don't worry we can pass them on. You could also acknowledge that some people find it really hard to make a decision in case it's the wrong one ... but that ultimately you just have to pick something and make the best of it.

I guess for the above to work you have to not worry too much about upsetting her a little. Same as with toddlers, you can't give in to every demand because you're so worried about them having a tantrum. If the firm line is a new approach then she may well react badly at first. But she'll get used to it and might actually feel happier to know that there is a boundary and she can't endlessly rehash things with mum.

I live with an autistic DH and DD and I found this a really helpful insight, as I've never understood why they do this!

Thank you @emm142 I wouldn’t mind dd putting off using her presents until she was ready. But what I object to is her still ‘thinking’ about presents that have already been bought and then saying she doesn’t want them and wanting something else instead!

I too think I would be less supportive of the moaning. ‘Dd it feels like you are never happy with what i try and do for you. I do not have a Time Machine and cannot go back in time to change your birthday. I think I can manage sympathy for 5 more mentions, and those only if the shopping is unpacked. If it isn’t I will instead be thinking why am I spending my time listening to this for the thousandth time when you haven’t even done your one job. You talk about your birthday a lot- part of being 18 is stepping up, please remember to do your job. Set an alarm. Don’t use one of your 5 remaining birthday moans unless you have done the shopping.’

Hmm.
I feel like she is in the middle of autistic burnout but due to denying her autism, she is trying to mask her way through it by using the fake it until you make it myth.

She is suggesting birthdays- ie spa day, shows, makeup, and so on as gifts because that is what she has been socialised to think are what she should like and enjoy as a young woman. She likes shows, but then thinks she must like the other “normal” typical girl stuff and then is bitterly disappointed when it makes her miserable.

Her disappointment isn’t with you, it’s with herself. She’s feeling like she is failing at life. She’s overwhelmed and is often afraid to try special day, or a present because it could just be another thing she won’t enjoy that will prove to her that she isn’t normal. So she’s anxious. Better to not go than go and fail yet again to enjoy what society says all girls should like.

Have you ever sort of said she can’t waste her money or time on certain things? Like you’re 16 you can’t spend £100 on a giant jelly cat bunny? Or you can’t have only video games as gifts. Or god not another Pokémon t-shirt.

Perhaps money is the best gift along with the no strings attached,,,get whatever you want no matter how silly others may think it is. I agree too a birthday routine will help. Perhaps ask her to think what would be the perfect day for her? Is it a lie in followed by pancakes for breakfast and then a morning playing animal crossing? Then a takeaway for dinner and a Netflix show of her choice?

My dd is younger but gets completely overwhelmed both by choosing something, the expectations around receiving gifts (she just doesn’t know how to respond), and owning something new. She can own things for years before she touches them.

When she says she is still deciding, she may mean still processing and coming to terms with ownership. I would leave the items with her, zero pressure, and eventually she might accept them and use them in a low key way, once she has assimilated them into her belongings and the newness of them with all it’s associated pressure is gone.

If she can’t choose a present, and hasn’t chosen by her birthday, put the money in an account for her to use when she does want something. If she is independent enough, make it an account she can access without even telling you, so the demand of declaring a choice and a final decision isn’t there, or the attention which can be difficult.

She doesn’t sound like a brat at all to me. She sounds completely overwhelmed, full of pressure and desperation to be the same as her sisters but unable to do what she thinks she should enjoy. The demands might be internal or self inflicted but they are huge.

Have you ever sort of said she can’t waste her money or time on certain things? Like you’re 16 you can’t spend £100 on a giant jelly cat bunny? Or you can’t have only video games as gifts. Or god not another Pokémon t-shirt.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice no I’ve never said things like that. I believe presents should be things the recipient wants even if the giver or others deem them not practical or inappropriate. I just want her to have things that make her happy.

Your post is spot on, thank you for your wisdom and insight. So many things she thinks she ‘should’ be doing - going to university (and a ‘good’ university as she sees herself as academically able), driving (had a few lessons last year and now can’t manage to restart with an automatic instructor). She definitely feels disappointed in herself and like she’s a disappointment to us which breaks my heart. I tell her all the time how much she is loved and valued but she just doesn’t believe it.

The question is - how can I help her? Or maybe I can’t. One FB group I’m on suggests doing nothing, just love, time and patience, and allow her to mature in her own time.

Thank you @WaitingForMojo What would you do about the untouched presents I’ve bought. I can’t even remember how if they were for Christmas 2023 or her 17th birthday. And she’s had nothing yet for her 18th which was nearly a year ago.

Probably the best thing that helped my DD was to find friends who were also autistic and/or otherwise neurodiverse. She stopped comparing herself to regular girls then. My DDs also deliberately chose universities that had a high rate of autistic students and good SEN support.
I agree time, love and patience are good advice. I’d tell my kids that it’s unrealistic to expect an 18yo to know what career they want and that there is no set order to things. You can work a bit and then go to Uni years or even a decade later. You can have kids now and then a career or have a career and then kids. That the world is tough today for young people to be financially independent by age 20 and she is welcome to live at home for as long as she needs as it’s caused by economics, not personal failure.
Lots of praise for her strengths as well. :) she probably hears too many negative messages already.

Dd wouldn’t want to make friends who are ND, she’d want to stay as far away from the ND community as possible.

She is very bright, sailed through primary school at the top of the class without too much effort, start of secondary school was good until Covid hit then the wheels came off in year 10 leading to disappointing GCSE results. But I can still see her super sharp brain. We all do the NY Times puzzles as a family, she’s the star at these, I am in constant awe of how she gets them so quickly.

Maybe one day she will be ready. The stigma and stereotypes can’t be helping her here. Both of my DDs are also very bright. I guess I’d encourage her to follow her passion and it’s likely she will meet similar ND minds in the pursuit of it.

This all sounds like a massive amount of fuss about birthdays, regardless of whose it is. Jesus the pressure all round, on everybody. How did it ever come to this? I have two late teens and couldn't tell you for the life of me what they got for their last few birthdays and what we did or didn't do didn't cause anybody any stress. People have built this whole architecture of expectation around birthdays, Christmas etc which is in some cases, taking from their enjoyment of life rather than adding to it. I'm a 365 day a year woman myself, why does anyone living a middle class comfortable life in the 21st century, where daily life is already fairly indulgent compared to pretty much any other time in history, need all this fuss?

My younger sister was like this. I think she is also ND but has never wanted to discuss it nor sought out other ND people (to be fair none of us had any idea about neurodiversity until my DD was born). I just wanted to reassure you that my sis has a good life with a husband, two lovely nearly grown up kids, hobbies she enjoys and a job where she feels she's doing some good in the world. She's never managed a career and struggles with friendships, but she did get there. Just very, very slowly compared to average and my parents had to support her in a range of ways for much longer.

What I will say as the sister of someone with these struggles is that I felt like I had to be super independent all the time and never ask for any help, because my parents had to spend so much time and headspace on her and I did feel resentful at times.

Thank you @Needlenardlenoo Im glad things worked out for your sister, gives me some hope.

I’m sorry for your experience growing up. I am aware of how much time dd3 takes up and I try very hard to be present and supportive to my older 2 dds. It’s lovely to spend 1-to-1 time with them sometimes and more generally to talk to them about their lives and ambitions. I don’t always get it right but I try my best.

I think you are putting way too much pressure on her.

Really @Bobloblawww ? I feel it’s more the other way round. I’d much prefer birthdays to be scaled back but she’d be unhappy. She’s driving it all not me.

I don't have any suggestions but you are very patient. I would have been driven mad by now.

I think you’ve done amazingly OP. Part of (her) dealing with autism is managing disappointment so you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much.
Might the choices be too overwhelming for her? Maybe give her one element that she can choose and have control over, and you take control of the rest. Keep it simple, don’t try to make it too “special”. The birthday she will remember will be the one where she didn’t have overwhelm at the end of it.