MIL Christmas present demand

[User28884995]

For the last few years when in laws and my parents have asked about presents we have politely said some money for our children’s savings account or a voucher would be best as we have a real lack of space at home and as we are not in a position to put savings aside ourselves at the moment so this has felt like a good idea. When my dd was younger MIL decided without asking to give a large range of other presents which were kind of things which we would have wanted to give and which took away from what we as parents were able to do. This year she has messaged my dh saying she wants to give dd a gift herself, when she knows we have asked for money for savings or a voucher. Just feeling overstepped and not sure what to do.

It’s a bit mean to say no gift, but owing to how youre feeling OP, I am guessing there’s more to this in terms of of MiL being overbearing or overstepping?

I don't feel her request is demanding as such. I have a DGS and always want to buy him a present for birthdays and Christmas. There must be something that your DD needs or wants herself? Even a special item of clothing - new boots or a new coat? I think it's unreasonable to ask for money tbh. I would actually be a little unwilling to give you cash instead of giving my DGS a present.

If anyone is overstepping it’s you demanding money instead of allowing a grandparent to give an adult gift to a grandchild

Maybe she actually wants to get them something and see them unwrap it … money is meaningless to a child, especially as it goes into their savings … not like you are even taking them out to spend it.

She wants to give her grandchild a gift and see their excitement. That’s v normal. If space is short, books? Craft or baking that she could do with them? Party clothes or new wellies and a coat? Or what about a trip to the cinema or theatre or an attraction? Savings accounts are great - but they’re hardly the stuff of childhood dreams!!!

I do enjoy the DGP (usually inlaws)Christmas present threads, there’s currently one where the DGP is U for only buying a book and this one where the DGP is U for wanting to buy a gift.

It was people with your attitude - seeing a gift as an economic exchange only - that made me declare to my family that I wasn't doing Christmas anymore. All the pleasure of choosing a gift for someone was removed. All their pleasure in receiving something they didn't expect was removed. I now only do birthdays and I give cash. I only buy Christmas gifts for the smaller children.

Yup! My parents are much more comfortable than we are and for birthdays are generally able to get them something a bit more expensive. I'm just thrilled they're getting lovely gifts to enjoy on their birthday

Christmas isn't about you. Or your mil.

It's about the children.

And I'm pretty sure your daughter would far rather receive a gift, than ten times its value in her savings account.

And if you can't afford to give her many/any gifts, that's fair enough. But to deny her the joy of receiving a gift, and your mil the joy of giving the gift, because you're not feeling flush this year, is dismal.

Swallow your pride. Parents usually give their kids the 'big' present. If you can't afford it and someone else wants to - what's best for the kid?

I wouldn't say it's your MIL with the demand, it's you.

It's a gift, she's on obliged to bend to your demand of money for a savings account... Why don't you buy less and invest in a savings account if that's what is important to you.

At the end of the day you have to accept it's not a competition & grandparents should be allowed to give gifts if they want to.

YOU are being demanding and controlling.

You do not get to dictate what someone else gives as a gift and the gift isn't even for you so your feelings on it matter very little. You are neither giver nor receiver so you stay out of it.

Making them need your 'approval' to have a normal relationship with their grand kid (buy a christmas present is about as normal as it comes) is abusive of you.

Save it for when there is a hill to be dead on.

My SIL used to do this and they were using the money for the family. Now we only give her children present or at a push a voucher.

I think it’s only natural for your MIL to want to give a present. To see how delighted the kids are. Surely you want the kids to have a magical Christmas. Not sure how magical a few quid in their Revolut is.

Most of the pleasure for Grandparents is seeing the child's reaction to the gift they have lovingly chosen for them - why would you deprive your child and your MIL from such a nice experience ?
It sounds like you are punishing her for her generosity on one occasion.
You could just tell her to buy one specific present that your child/children would really like. You can always make space for new presents - just give older toys to charity or sell them if needed.

i always make sure my mum and MIL have a gift to give my children. It just means such a lot than just money. Now mine are teens they do get money from aunts and uncles but definitely not from grandparents.
giving money is just not the same.

Oh my goodness OP you are getting a hard time here!!! My now adult kids generally got a few gifts at Christmas and Birthday: a Lego set they wanted, a book, a clothes item and stocking fillers like pens socks chocolates etc They also had money from family put into their savings acounts/ISA's which means they may now have the opportunity to purchase a property with a partner and a mortgagae! I cant bare the overconsumption at Christmas, people buy things for buying sake. So much ends in landill too. Even with my "controlling and grabby" requets we still ended up with duplicate items.
See if you can reach a compromise OP with maybe half and half

Let the poor woman given her grandkids an actual present …… you can give them money in their account!! Not the same is it??
At least it sounds like she checks in with you regarding the actual gift. YABVU.

You complain about lack of space but then say it takes away from what you get them so no wonder that excuse doesnt wash with them..I only now gift my adult neice and nephew cash - I wouldn't have when thry were young as sil would laugh about times shes 'borrowed' from kids rooms to pay cash for a takeaway. Gift giving has become so transactional its depressing I prefer to choose a gift for the person rather than being told what to buy

...we have politely said some money for our children’s savings account or a voucher

There's nothing polite about asking for money or a voucher as a gift. It's crass.

Grandparents naturally want the joy of seeing the pleasure a real gift gives their grandchildren.

I think it’s unreasonable (and controlling) to expect a grand parent not to buy presents for their grandchildren

It's very mean to deny them the joy of gift giving and seeing the joy on a child's face when they open the gift.

Plenty of things don't take up too much space e.g. books, lego, mini brands, magazine subscriptions (SO many good kids' ones out there!), a zoo pass or a theatre/cinema trip.

Space is an issue at my house so we suggest things to our parents/siblings that our kids actually want/need/will use - not necessarily toys, but sometimes it has been things like new coats and fun wellies, ballet clothes or piano books.

Surely you are using the voucher to buy something? So let her buy the gift instead of the voucher.

Are you using the voucher and saying the item is from you?

You sound awfully controlling

so let’s slightly reverse this. Imagine the grandparent gives a thoughtfully chosen gift, and you, the parent, put money into the child’s bank account and don’t give them anything else.

When the child is an adult, they will have years of happy memories of being given a lovely gift by a grandparent. Or sometimes one that missed the mark. And they will, in time, be grateful for a small deposit for a house, but may well feel that their parent had not put effort or thought into the child’s wishes when growing up.

Would you make that choice as the parent? If not, why do you want the child to feel that about their grandparent?

I don’t think it’s the grandparent that’s being demanding in this situation. Since when did parents think they have the right to dictate what presents other people buy their children?

Fair enough to ask that others don’t give big ticket presents that would come from parents or Santa, but it’s not ok to specify money only and then act like you’re hoard fine by just because a grandparent wants to buy a normal present.

Now is a good time to sort out the toy box and donate any unwanted or outgrown toys to a charity shop. Then other parents have the opportunity to buy Christmas gifts for their children if they are on a tight budget. This will create more room for your daughter’s Christmas gifts. Grandparents get a lot of joy from giving gifts to their grandchildren, and children love to open a present. When you are a child a monetary gift is not as exciting as it is for grown ups.

A gift is exactly that—a gift. The giver doesn’t even have to ask you what you want—they can just rock up with whatever. And as the recipient, your job is to smile and say thank you—then decide what you want to do with the gift afterward.