Help. Pregnant 40 and can't decide if I should keep or not

[Fluff85]

I have just found out I am pregnant at 40, we already have a beautiful 2.5 boy who took a long time to have with many miscarriages. We feel we don't want to roll the dice and risk all the complications possible risks with a second and feel we are lucky and happy with one. Not sure what to do, any advice welcome.

What do you want to do? That's the only thing to consider right now.

From your OP you sound pretty sure! And that’s totally fine.

Doesn’t sound like you want to keep it, so don’t. This decision can be simple and the right one for you, you don’t have to agonise over it.

Agree with PP. You haven’t mentioned a reason to continue the pregnancy.

You are not a bad person for termination if you feel that’s best. Just in case you wanted the reassurance xx

What do you want? What do you want from the thread?

“We feel we don't want to roll the dice and risk all the complications possible risks with a second and feel we are lucky and happy with one.”
I think you have your answer @Fluff85
💕

This is about how you feel OP. No one can help you on that. But since you are asking, I think a couple who are healthy and in a position to have a child should have it unless there are very compelling reasons not to. You are 40 and that's not that old.

Abortion isn’t an easy decision for a lot of woman and some do question their choices or feel guilty. I’m assuming OP just wants to talk about it to people who are strangers.

How far along? You don’t have to decide right away.

I would reverse this: if you don’t have compelling reasons to have a child, you probably shouldn’t.

I guess is there any concerns over anything else and having more than one child, like finances / time/ mental health impact etc, or are you just worried about the general background risk of complications from any pregnancy? as thats relatively low and you could have increased testing etc.
but if there are other reasons then fair enough for those to make the decision for you too.

The only advice that can be correct here is that you have to do what is best for you and your family.

If you aren't sure about having another child, then consider not having one. You already have a child and so you'll know what it's like to go through pregnancy, to give birth and to have to support him/her as they grow up. Do you really want to put yourself through all that at an age where things do start getting harder and riskier? If you aren't sure that you are, then that perhaps is your answer.

If you aren't sure about having an abortion, then talk it through with your partner and decide whether your feelings about that outweigh all your misgivings about having the child. Whavever you do, do what is best for you and your family. Don't let people here - as they inevitably will - pop up with the anti-choice argument to try to persuade you against doing what you might need to do.

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind . Blood test can be done to check baby is ok and I assume your pregnancy went fine last time ( as you didn’t mention other wise) so can’t see why this one would be any different

This is almost word for word what my GP said to me when I went for a review of my contraception back in 1995. I was 22 and explicitly did not ready to have children, was there to prevent children, but of course he had an opinion. No one who doesn't actively want to and seek to have a child should ever be advised to have one.

Yes, all reasonable assumptions. My question was a genuine open one as I feel I’d need more information about what op wants in order to give any helpful advice.

The 'compelling reasons' could literally be 'i don't want this fetus to grow inside of me' and I would support their choice. Abortion doesn't impact your life or change your day in anyway so no one needs to sway you to get your approval.

Op only you can make this decision, but from what you've posted it seems you're leaning towards abortion. You can book an appointment with Bpas if you're in the UK. The appointment will usually be within a few weeks, which gives you time to think. The midwife on the phone will only issue the medication if they're confident you're certain about the decision, so don't feel bad for not being sure yet. Chat with your husband too and see if you're on the same page with this. A baby is a joint creation but ultimately it is your body your choice. Good luck x

Thank you, yes it's such a hard decision and it's also finances and no family support around us at all. But there is 10% of what if. So hard

If you are genuinely motivated primarily by fear something will go wrong with this pregnancy or child, I think you should first pay privately for one of the screening tests then see what that tells you. I find it odd you describe it as ‘rolling the dice’ - the vast majority of pregnancies at 40 result in happy healthy children.

Did you always only want one child, or is it that you accepted given the difficulties conceiving the last that this was all that you would have and now you’re struggling to get your head around it?

based on how you’ve described the situation I would be doing tests and accessing counselling as this sounds more like a knee jerk reaction of surprise than anything else.

If its just an age thing then I wouldn't let that stop you, I think loads of people have their first baby at 40 now (although completely depends where you live). If it's because you're not sure whether you want another, that's a different question

I mean, it's entirely up to you.
Since you asking here, it is a hard NO from me.

Sounds like you have made up your mind and need validation or permission? You have them both from me, anyway.

I don’t think I could terminate in these circumstances, let alone when you struggled to have your first for so long. You’re more likely to have a healthy child than not.

What if you terminate now and in 2 years time want to give DS a sibling, then find you can’t conceive? Can you live with that?

I know someone who terminated a baby with Down’s Syndrome- she’s not been able to conceive again. Worth thinking about, whether your baby has Down’s or not.

Your son will most likely thank you for a sibling.

Being an only child is kinda sad unless you have lots of friends that have known you all your life.

Thank you for all the messages and support, it's not just age. Finances, No help from grandparents, love life at the moment with the three of us. I thought I had made decision then had a sudden panic

There's nothing wrong with being an only child and it isn't "kinda sad".
Yes, it's important to make sure an only child has lots of friends and contact with cousins and other family members if there is an extended family. But it's not "sad".