Help. Pregnant 40 and can't decide if I should keep or not

[Fluff85]

I have just found out I am pregnant at 40, we already have a beautiful 2.5 boy who took a long time to have with many miscarriages. We feel we don't want to roll the dice and risk all the complications possible risks with a second and feel we are lucky and happy with one. Not sure what to do, any advice welcome.

I think families of 3 are very special indeed. Rather than it being mum and dad and then the kids, I think the 3 of you become much more of a unit as 1. Absolutely nothing wrong with families of 3.

If the worry is around health of the pregnancy then why not get an amnio and the nipt blood test. Then make the decision based on health rather than fear.

Plenty of women have healthy pregnancies in their 40s.

Obviously it’s your decision to make and no one can really tell you.

Lots of poor people have lots of babies, they say also you can never afford a child.

I had both mine in my 40s. Number one after many miscarriages. Was never convinced that having another was a good idea. We decided to have one roll of the dice, with all the scans we could pay for.

Now we are four and I honestly can't imagine life without her. They are mostly great pals.

When I found out I was pregnant a second time (happened v.quickly) I had an awful feeling of not being able to cope with another pregnancy and birth. I proceeded with the pregnancy and, as much as I love them, DC2 has made our lives considerably harder. There’s nothing wrong with being an only child. My 2 barely speak to each other and will likely have no relationship as adults.

Go and hang out on the elderly parents board for a bit - you’ll find for the vast majority of people no matter how many siblings there are, elderly care nearly always falls to one of them on their own (usually female)!
I know more happy only children than I know happy sibling groups…

No one should have a baby they are not ready to welcome wholeheartedly, IMO.

There's an ocean of difference between using contraception and an abortion.

You are already pregnant. Your first child was much longer for and hard to get. Maybe you think a second child would be less loved or less rewarding? It's not unusual to think that but ask people who have a second child what they found.
You had several miscarriages, maybe you fear the same will happen?
The risks increase a little after 40 but the vast majority of babies born to 40 year old mothers are healthy.

What is your partner's feeling?
Your post doesn't convince me you want an abortion. Lots of people saying that nobody should have a baby unless they want it but I don't think it's as simple as that once you are pregnant.

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone I have DB, haven't seen him for dust when caring for elderly parents has been required. Think it would have been easier being an only as wouldn't have the building resentment of his lack of care.

Ooof, and painfully passive aggressive to boot! Quite the combo.

OP, hope you are OK, and I wish you clarity, peace and happiness in whatever decision you make for your lovely family, whether that is a family of 3 or of more.

Absolutely hard disagree with this.

Every child deserves to be much wanted. Not just a “you should because you can” attitude. If OP isn’t absolutely sure she wants to go ahead, that’s a good enough reason not to.

I wouldn't be asking strangers for this sort of advice to be honest.

We are a family of three, I had our dd aged 40. Pregnancy and birth were easy and, due to an earlier loss, we opted for a Harmony test early on to make sure there were no serious issues.

We don't have a large family, all her cousins are much older and we both have elderly parents who are unable to help out. She has waxed and waned about wanting a sibling over the years, there are barely any other only children in her year at school which is hard for her sometimes, and lockdown was pretty tough too. Post pandemic, a lot of people seemed to become more insular and stuck more to family groups for things, and that makes my heart hurt for her. I also sometimes feel less of a mum than friends who have two or three children.

I have done my utmost not to dwell on my sadness that we weren't able to have another child and would hate her to ever feel as though she isn't enough, when she absolutely is enough and I am so grateful for her. But I do feel sad that she will never know a sibling relationship, or be an aunt (except by marriage), these are relationships that have enriched my life in many ways.

Having said all that, you do sound very sure that you don't want to have another child, which is very different to how I felt.

It’s really not “kinda sad” - havent we moved past this ridiculous and untrue “only and lonely” trope by now?

I know more people who have nothing or very little to do with their siblings than those who are close as adults. Being born into the same family is never a guarantee of “friend for life”. Chosen Friends can be far more meaningful than someone you just happen to share DNA with.

Don’t pull the “older than you” crap, you have no idea the ages of any other posters and age definitely doesn’t appear to have briught wisdom in your case.

DH is an only child. He had a wonderful childhood and never felt like he was missing out because he has no sibling.

Agreed. My dh is an only. My dd is an only. Dh had a lovely life and is very happy to have been an only child. His dad is now in a care home so I am one of the ‘older’ and ‘wiser’ 😜 people lol.

As for dd she did so want a sibling when younger. And I did all I could to give her the sibling experience when little. Now at 17 she is glad to be an only child and is very sociable and loving. She and a lad at school have decided they’re siblings even though he also has a younger sister, it’s very sweet and caring. They even arranged to have a school photo of the 2 of them together to create this illusion for them. They don’t socialise as a 2 or anything out of school. It’s just a I care about and love you on a very platonic platform.

Being healthy and in a position to have a child is not the end of all the things to consider when making the choice to have a child or not though are they? It's deeply personal too.

Children should be wanted, and be provided for so they can have a good life, not a "this will do" life (unplanned circumstance changes excepted)

Having another child so current one isnt an only child is one of the most ridiculous and frivolous reasons for bringing a human into the world ive ever heard of.

And when growing up, friends who had older parents struggled and resented it so much. Like it or not 40-odd does put us in the older parent category with the additional risks to yourself and the baby that brings. Meaning your current DC could end up being a young carer to you and/or their sibling.

I know everyones different, but terminating one of my unplanned and unwanted pregnancies was a total no brainer and one of the easiest and quickest decisions ive ever made because I knew it was right. It seems to me you know what you want to do but theres a bit of doubt, which I think is as normal as being certain from the start.

Hope it all works out for you.

Exactly, I have 3 older brothers, we barely speak, none of us live near each other either. And growing up with 2 of those brothers being cruel wasn't great either.

A only child can be as happy as any child, I often wished I had been!

We love it!

Our DC is nearly 8 now and we love being a trio. We’ve thought about having another but feel happy as we are.

I don’t think you can make the wrong decision here @Fluff85 - whatever you decide will be right for your family ❤️

If you could guarantee the pregnancy would have no issues would you be happy having a second child. If yes then i would say carry on.

If not, then you need to send husband for vasectomy.

Yes, our number 3 was a surprise and it’s worked out well. However, we did have some additional financial, if not practical, support with nursery fees and it was pre-covid so prices hadn’t gone crazy.

Saying that, financially it IS much more expensive, obviously. Apart from the nursery years, babies aren’t expensive but children who wants to do XYZ are. Things are set up for families of 4.

Don’t feel guilty whatever you decide. I was really unsure about continuing with my pregnancy.

I have one teenage DC and I am so glad I stopped at one! To have more than one teenager must be hell. He did ask for a sibling (all kids do at some point) but generally is very happy as an only.

Alot of posts encouraging you to terminate but the odd one on the maybe you should keep it getting shot down. Odd. I assume you posted on here for a range of viewpoints?

With a 2 year old, I'd go for it, youre still right in the thick of it. In our experience, having one was the hardest, more and they occupy each other.

@AutumnAllTheWay I agree.
I'm all for choice but it's one thing planning to have an only child but quite another to terminate a healthy pregnancy because of vague doubts.

Would the child you are thinking of aborting look at your finances and think that they are so bad it’s not worth existing?