Help. Pregnant 40 and can't decide if I should keep or not

[Fluff85]

I have just found out I am pregnant at 40, we already have a beautiful 2.5 boy who took a long time to have with many miscarriages. We feel we don't want to roll the dice and risk all the complications possible risks with a second and feel we are lucky and happy with one. Not sure what to do, any advice welcome.

I'd probably have the child personally. Think of when you are 60 looking back, the hard years are gone, would you regret not having both kids who will then be young adults in your life? Either decision is ultimately fine though.

I get how hard it can be. I had are hard time deciding on keeping a pregnancy, was depressed about it, but physically couldn't go through with abortion. And thank god because she is the joy of my life/couldn't imagine a day without her. It seems difficult but when baby arrives things fall into place.

We are a three and very happy. I couldn’t have had more DC so the decision was made for me. I have never hankered after more. V v close relationship with DD and we can give her so much more than might have been the case if we had had others. There are pros and cons but we are very happy as a three.

DS has two sons who fight like cat and dog, DB has one of each who are inseparable. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

In an ideal world would you have liked one or two children? If two I wouldn't abort now you are already pregnant in case you regret it.

But in some cases there is no happy ending with adult children

I couldn’t abort for those reasons personally

Hi OP, it’s a difficult situation .
I have had 2 terminations in my life, I was aged 20 and 34.
For the more recent one, I had DD of 18 months and still had lingering PND after post partum psychosis and just could not go ahead with another baby.
Whilst it was the right decision at the time, I think it was my last chance and there’s a slight pang of what if now 6 years later.
I’m now 40, nearly 41 and we are a happy family of 3.
I think in this case , you have to go for the decision you can live with the most.

Sending love x

They might look at the state of the world and think that without even bringing finances into it...

I had an unexpected pregnancy in my very late 30's after struggling to get pregnant previously and miscarriages. I considered termination until I discovered that I was already too far along to terminate. I was terrified as this was not in my life plan and I also worried a lot about possible complications etc due to my age and having not taken any folic acid, plus all the foods I'd eaten that I shouldn't have etc but I was told by my doctor that because I was healthy, ate a balanced diet amd ddidn't drink it was unlikely that there would be anything seriously wrong. I ended up giving birth to a very healthy, beautiful baby who we couldn't now imagine being without.

Although other people can give you their opinions, ultimately, only you can make the final decision and it needs to be the one that you feel is best for your family.

Very unusual in your circumstances. Obviously your choice but I think you'll regret the decision when your DS older.

As my da would say, “quit while you’re ahead.”

I was in this situation. I went ahead with the pregnancy, although mainly because I went back and forth on the decision for so long that I ran out of time to do anything about it.

DC2 is here now and a delight, but it is hard. I have days where I wish we'd stayed a three, although possibly because I'm still in the trenches. Hopefully I won't feel like this in a few years. And no matter what everyone here says about siblings, I'm so glad my two will have each other once I'm gone.

I personally think it must be easier to have the second and find it tough than abort and regret it, you don't sound very sure to me.

Your body, your choice. No one should judge. It’s really hard, from someone with two young ones and no family nearby. Our youngest one just turned 3 and it’s getting easier now, finally. The first 3 years have been brutal, we work full time, the first 12 months was financially very hard. It absolutely took a toll on our marriage as we had to divide and conquer looking after them due to different needs/interests. And to top it off, our youngest is autistic, high functioning, but still hard work, with a lot of uncertainty for the future. I Wouldn’t change them for the world, and it was short term pain, but still 3 years felt long at the time. It sounds as though you have reservations which are valid. Would a therapist conversation help you?

She hasn’t any strong arguments for having the child. That’s more to the point.

This is gross, untrue, manipulation. “Deserve” wtf? How inappropriate. It is NOT selfish to do what is best for her and her current family, whatever decision she makes.

I think struggling to become a mum and experiencing that fear of never having a child is reason enough. The psychological impact of having an abortion when you aren’t absolutely sure can be devastating. I’m getting the impression her worries are unfounded. It’s just unexpected because it didn’t happen easily thr first time.

A study done showed the most common feeling women had after a termination was relief.

You cannot blanket say there will be a “psychological toll” - many women do not suffer this after a termination as they know it was the right thing to do for them at that time.

Oh well, if "a study" says so then it must be true.

I’ll give you a real life example then. I had an abortion because I didn’t want another child. It wasn’t a hard decision at all and I was relieved when it was done. I have never regretted it for one second and it hasn’t had any lasting psychological impact on me.

Well I probably should have worded it better. It's not a guarantee that it would have a negative psychological impact later on, but it is a distinct possibility. That needs to be taken into consideration and the potential for suffering not underestimated.

@Poms How marvellous. I am sure that ‘group of cells’ will be delighted as well.

Yeah it is true. No quote marks needed. The thing you pro lifers always ignore is that not every woman feels like you. Many many women move on from a termination with little ill effects and much happier without an extra unwanted child.

It's a group of cells. It has no thoughts or opinions of it's own. This is pretty basic biology.

Do you think comments like yours help on a thread like this?

@Poms Your comment implies that I should just get back in my box. The OP asked for a range of views and I am giving one that takes into consideration the fact that a foetus is, whether you like it or not, a potential human being. A life. A life that has a brain developing from 5 weeks. A life that can send signals between it's ears and brain by 18 weeks and a life that can recognise your voice by 24 weeks.

So, sorry. No. It's silent. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.