Help. Pregnant 40 and can't decide if I should keep or not

[Fluff85]

I have just found out I am pregnant at 40, we already have a beautiful 2.5 boy who took a long time to have with many miscarriages. We feel we don't want to roll the dice and risk all the complications possible risks with a second and feel we are lucky and happy with one. Not sure what to do, any advice welcome.

@Sofasu I know I will be shot down but I find it so sad. I had a child at 44 and post chemo. I did have tests to identify any issues but that was just prepare, not for the basis of abortion. I don’t doubt there are reasons for abortion tho I just don’t see how humanity can justify 6 million abortions a year. Humanity needs to be more human.

You aren't all for choice then, are you.

In a way it’s easier having two children rather than one. They play together. That gives you and your partner some mental and emotional space. I also think it’s beneficial for children to have a sibling. That doesn’t mean you have to have this baby if you don’t want it, but as you’re wanting to be sure, I think it’s important to hear lots of views, think lots, and make your decision knowing you’ve considered as much as possible.

Another thought is what if your son tells you he wishes he had a sibling when he’s a little older? Would you feel guilt? Regret?

It took me a long time to conceive my first child and I felt quite conflicted when I conceived my second. Hard to explain but I almost thought it would somehow detract from my first child, or that it was tempting fate somehow. My 2nd DC didn’t detract from my first at all and everything was fine. So, I understand your doubts and concerns and don’t think they’re uncommon. I remember repeatedly asking my partner if we should stick with one child.

Only you can make this decision. Do what’s right for you and your family xx

I have 2dd but I will tell you on the very odd occasion I have/had just one of them to deal with, it’s like a holiday. On is so much easier to breeze along with, add another and you’re quadrupling the work. I’m 42 and wouldn’t even consider a child but I’ve had a rough divorce and I’m on my own. I think it’s fine to want to enjoy a comfortable life with just one child. Saying that I wouldn’t change dd2, I was only 28 when she came along though and had bags of time and energy

Obviously not, because at the moment it's not a child, it's a collection of cells.

HTH.

Were you planning a second child? Can you envisage your life with one? Only you and the dad can really say.

I'm absolutely pro-choice, and you should do what's best for your situation.

I would, however, echo, that friends who were only children, and are starting to lose parents, etc., are saying they wish there was a sibling to share the load - and to have a family remaining. However, if you've got a large extended family, that could probably fit the bill there.

I sadly couldn't have kids, despite lots of trying, but I do know that, when I was in my early 30s, I did have a pregnancy scare (laughable, as I later couldn't get knocked up, however hard I tried....) I was 100% on board with a termination in that case, as it was from a fling, and I was in no way ready for kids.

You are the only ones who can make the decision, no matter how much advice you take. Sending hugs; it's a tough one.

You are only 40. Your child is only 2.5. Families of 3 can of course be lovely but so are families of 4. A sibling is a very special person.

My dc is an only. I’m not with her dad but we are very happy, and she says she likes being an only. Certainly I am very aware that I can give her all the material and emotional support she needs- whereas if I had a second or more, I don’t think I would (I’d find it overwhelming).

Siblings aren’t always great supports or companions.

And in considering life with a second child, I would urge anyone who is hesitating even a little bit to really think seriously about the less than optimal possible outcomes. That’s simply because I have a couple of friends (as well as knowing acquaintances) whose longed-for and much-loved second children were born with life-changing differences, and whose lives (the parents and the older children) were all altered and now follow a very different path than they might have done otherwise.

Wishing you and your family well and a peaceful outcome for you all.

You haven’t really given any string arguments for aborting this baby. You are in a stable relationship with a much loved and wanted little boy. You are perfectly young enough to have another safely and easily. In your shoes I’d be delighted to have a little brother or sister for my son.

Of course you keep your baby if not for your sake then for the sake of your son.

Being an only child as a child is one thing but as an adult it is something else entirely, particularly as parents begin to age, it's the loneliest feeling and situation in the world.

Your son deserves the sibling that you have conceived. To terminate is horribly selfish

We are a happy family of three and my daughter has never once expressed the desire for a sibling. She is very social, mixes easily with other children and loves her cousins. She very much enjoys being an only child.

We were so sure about only wanting one that my husband had a vasectomy when she was still a baby. We haven't once regretted that decision and I would absolutely terminate a (extremely unlikely) pregnancy.

But I'm not sure that knowing this about me will help your decision in any way - it's so personal and I'm sure either way would work out. Best of luck whatever you decide - it's not an easy one.

Your current child could develop issues or become disabled so I hope you are not saying you don't want a disabled child? Not sure if you want to hear both sides but maybe someone else reading does. Unless there's a grave immediate threat to your life because of this pregnancy, please give your baby a chance. You may sadly miscarry anyway so it's not a given you will carry to term. How would you feel if you miscarried at 16 weeks? If you'd feel sad, maybe that is your answer. If you'd feel relieved, that's a different answer. Wishing you strength as you think over this together. And compassion if you choose to end the pregnancy. Be kind to yourself.

Some of these responses are wild

We are a three and we love it. We are a little team. It suits our little family perfectly. Everyone is different, so you need to do what’s right for your little family. We kept getting nagged when we were having a second but we were content with the one. She loves being an only

Unfortunately there is rape in the world, spousal abuse, poverty, childcare left predominantly to the mother… I’m actually surprised the abortion figure is that low. Humanity needs to deal with those issues and not take choices away from women who have to deal with the fallout. It would be more human if women didn’t have to live through this every day, luckily in this country we have a choice (not that it’s always much of a choice).

Yes of course! There were 3 of us until DD1 was 5.5 and it was a lovely dynamic. We were so much more flexible in terms of logistics, pleasing everyone etc. Had loads of time for her. I could see that life with an only would be good.
We did go on to have DD2 by some miracle and while she's a delight and we all adore her she hasn't really improved DD1's life and if I'm being honest she has sort of ruined it in many ways. I struggle to give them both the attention and grace that they deserve. It's a slog. I don't regret having a second - she absolutely lights up my day - but life was great with one. I don't think you should let the anxiety that a child "should" have a sibling affect your decision.

That's an incredibly bad reason to have a second child.

The reason is fair, and probably a common reason for most people having a second child, but the last sentence is ridiculous

How is this rude? My DH has always been desperate for a large family because he hated growing up an only child in a quiet house.

Incidentally, lots of kids also hate growing up in big families with lots of siblings - but it's not unusual for only kids to wish they had a sibling/siblings. Doesn't mean parents have to give them one if they themselves only want one kid

Your 40 with a 2.5 year old. You don't have family support living near you. I think if your 40 that your partner is your age or perhaps a few years older than you.
At 40 you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs and I have seen how this impacts on a mother, father and other siblings.

Also you may not be aware that older father's have a higher chance of having a child with autism. Autism won't show on any of the tests you can have done when pregnant. I know a couple who this happened to. They had 2 kids with autism. They are now in there 20's and they are on benefits and still living at home. One of them can go to the local shop and knows what change he should get back. The other man is big, strong, can lash out and I have heard that's it like trying to manage an adult sized toddler.

I would ignore people here saying it important to have a sibling ect but in reality you could have a sibling for your child and it could totally disrupt there lives.

You have also said that your finances could be better and as kids get older the expenses get higher. Also you don't want to end up with a child with special needs.

At the moment you and your partner are happy with your current child and circumstances and being honest a child needs happy parents. If I was in your position I would have an abortion and get your oh to have a vescetomy because you don't want another pregnancy.

I would not underestimate the psychological toll it would take on you down the line should you terminate. Obviously no one is "allowed" to say that these days, but I will.

The chances are that your baby will be in good health. Your other child will have a sibling. There will be double the love in the household. Financially and otherwise, you will find a way. There are many positives.

Thank you for all the messages and support, just having a hard time with everything x