Help. Pregnant 40 and can't decide if I should keep or not

[Fluff85]

I have just found out I am pregnant at 40, we already have a beautiful 2.5 boy who took a long time to have with many miscarriages. We feel we don't want to roll the dice and risk all the complications possible risks with a second and feel we are lucky and happy with one. Not sure what to do, any advice welcome.

NONSENSE, and incredibly rude for those of us who only have one.

What a horribly ignorant post.

He has lots of cousins and friends, we are very social and most weekends are hanging out with friends etc

I got to be honest I don’t think I could terminate because life might get a bit harder for a while socially and financially. But if there was a health issue for you or the baby then yes I would. But you need to do what’s right for you and your spouse

Does anyone have any happy experiences being a family of three?

It's not rude.
It's an opinion.
And probably because I'm older than you.

And you'll note i said it's sad ... unless ...

I have friends who are struggling with aging parents - that's a hard burden to be the only one who cares about them. It's sad they don't get to share the load.

I have friends that have lost their parents and lament there's no one who remembers and shared their whole life.

I know men, especially men, who have struggled with not having a brother or sister to share the transition into adulthood.

I know friends who felt lonely and isolated through school and had no-one they could rely on to talk about it.

Sure, many only's do just fine. And many siblings fight. But I couldn't have managed without my siblings.

If it’s not going to be disastrous financially, and I was unsure, I’d keep it. There’s a lower chance of regret that way.

But of course, only you can know what is best for you as a family, and that’s the way to go.

Hi OP, I terminated under similar circumstances. It was an accidental pregnancy. We knew we didn’t want another due to similar reasons as yourself plus other reasons relating to a very traumatic labour.

anyway it was a very unfortunate situation and yes I had a few wobbles but ultimately we stuck to our guns and knew it wasn’t the right thing and that we needed to stick at 1 child.

this was 7 years ago (husband had a vasectomy shortly afterwards) and no regrets. we are a very happy family of three.

I’m sure there are many, many happy families of three, only you can decide whether you can be a happy family of three though. Personally I think if you’re not absolutely sure you want a second, I’d stop at one.

Nc for this.

I had an unexpected pregnancy a few years back. Late 30s. For me I already had 2 kids.

Considerations were;

• One child has a genetic condition. We adore him but his condition is hard to manage. Another child with same condition would be a nuclear bomb for family.
• Finances. Splitting between 3 kids would mean cutting back a lot, withdrawing kids from private school etc
• Impact on my career taking more time out, as I worked for a US corporate which was notorious for sacking pregnant women (and subsequent impact on finances too)
• Prior risky pregnancies and risk to my health - feeling I needed to be there for other kids especially disabled child who takes a lot of energy to care for

pros for me were of course we would have loved and adored the child. The kids would have loved and adored their siblings.

We didn’t proceed with the pregnancy. I have never regretted this. Of course we would have loved the child but love can’t replace the fact the other kids would have had less time and attention on them, our lives would likely be a lot less materially comfortable (and yes money can’t buy happiness but with 2 working parents it can pay for great support and with a disabled child a loooad of therapy which helps him).

Just to give perspective of someone who has ended a pregnancy and never regretted.

Sure there are others who have had a surprise and proceeded and also not regretted who can share their stories.

I’m in a similar boat to you OP, nearly 40 with one, no support locally, finances a bit stretched. If I fell pregnant there’s no chance I’d have an abortion unless I found out there was a medical issue.

The fact that you’re going straight to abortion tells you something? Were you using contraceptives?

FWIW OP, from your son’s perspective, I’m an only child and I absolutely love it, would not change it for the World. Not that my experience should affect your decision in any way, I just wanted to say that being an only child isn’t the doom and gloom that MN often makes it out to be!

I have a 4-month old DS and have always said, because of my great experience being an only child, that I would also be one and done (but I bloody LOVED being pregnant and can’t imagine not being pregnant again 😬)

Like others have said - I'm sure there are many happy families of three.
However, age of 40 and finances would not be enough for me to terminate in a happy marriage. We have 2 children, because I didn't want 1 child to feel lonely as we are immigrants with no family here. Everybody will have their own reasons. If you are afraid of the risks, there are genetic tests you can do before reaching 12 weeks. If you terminate, you might regret it in a couple of years when your little one grows and it probably will be more difficult to become pregnant again at 42.

So my genuine question without any judgement would be ‘how do you think you will feel either way’. You know what having a baby entails so can somewhat predict that - but how will you feel if you have an abortion. I know some women who were absolutely fine and never thought about it again and I know some that it affected them for a very very very long time.

Only you can answer that.

I had a pregnancy scare recently and, while the thought of pregnancy and another couple of years of zero sleep is terrifying, to my core, I wouldn't have had an abortion - I'm in a stable relationship with the father and financially ok, living in a developed country. Could we be richer? Sure. But that's not a good enough reason, for me.

A very personal question and too difficult to offer advice. A friend fell pregnant with a third at a similar age. Contemplated a termination, but miscarried before making a final decision, and was devastated, despite thinking a termination was the way to go. Controversially, I would say that in the main an only child may be great for the parents, not so great for the kid itself.

My personal view would be to do a CVS and only proceed if all ok. But you have to do what’s right for you.

Yes, we have a 13 year old daughter and have a beautiful life. We have more money to take her around the world. We do lots of activities together. We can give her lots of one to one attention. She has many interests and has the opportunity to try out so many things. She makes friends easily when we go to places. We don't need a big house or a big car. It is the perfect situation for us. We are all very happy. I have many friends with more than one child and sadly a lot of them don't get along and won't even play together. My husband has siblings and none of them speak to each other much. Not involved in their lives really. So it is no guarantee that having brothers or sisters mean they will have a good relationship. Either choice is valid.

I had a baby at 40, sailed through pregnancy, birth and recovery (natural birth) and wish I’d have had a sibling for my daughter but we decided not to. DD also wishes strongly that she had a brother or sister. She asks for one for Christmas every year which is quite heartbreaking. Your 2.5 year old won’t wish for a sibling yet because they only know the family they have but be prepared for that not always to be the case.

of course I’m not suggesting you should only have the baby to give your DC a sibling you’d need to want to have another one too and for it to be right for your own circumstances.

Emotionally manipulative bullshit.

I was in your position but at 37.

Had a four year old. Second was too scary. Husband had major surgery. We were happy, settled etc.

I did find that having the decision taken out of my hands (my personal choice would not be termination in these circumstances but that is just that, personal and doesn't apply to you) was helpful. I went with it as 'this is what was intended for us'.

It really wasn't that scary or disruptive in reality. First one had already turned life on it's head, second wasn't such a massive change.

Do whatever is right for you but don't be too quick to dismiss that 10%. It sounds like you are basing this on what is rational and sensible but our emotions don't always behave that way.

Take a little bit of time and perhaps talk it through with a professional before deciding anything.

Not sure why you are asking OP if cc was used?
It seems that you are trying to lay blame which is very unfair and not what OP needs now.

Yes. Your post is.

The OP is asking for perspectives
I gave one. And subsequently explained why I have that perspective.

Apparently you cannot handle a perspective that differs from your own.

Im not sure when you were elected ruler of the world - could you explain how that came to pass.

Were you actively not trying to get pregnant or throwing caution to the wind?

We are a happy family of three. Many only children are happy. Some are not, but so are some children who have siblings. Don't worry about having an only child (much more common nowadays too)

I have an only child and get pangs that I should have had a second but then I see my siblings who have two close together and it’s a real struggle for them.

Good luck with whatever you decide.