Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

I would tell her ‘Look I understand you are going through a shit time with the baby daddy, but James is my partner and I know it’s early days but I would like the first birth he is at to be our baby if we’re still together. If you need a helping hand, I can come and sit with you or have you thought about hiring a doola?’

Then to your partner I would say….

‘I think you are a bit deluded as to what it’s going to be like. Her fanny is going to be the main topic of conversation for the duration of her time in hospital - you’re seriously ok with that? Because I would die having those conversations in front of any of the boys I’m friends with. Are you going to leave the room every time a doctor or nurse comes in? If so, what’s the point in being there?

Aside from the awkwardness of a boy mate being there when she gives birth, I had kind of thought if we stay together for the long haul, we might one day have a baby and I would want that to be a first for both of us.’

I’m wondering a few things, many of which lead me to believe she may be in love with your dp.

If I was in her position, I’d want to get back to the country where my parents/siblings/friends were so I could get help. What’s keeping her here? Perhaps your DP? Why isn’t anyone like her mum coming to support? It’s odd. Is she creating the situation to get your DP there?

Induction is horrible. Bluntly, you keep having things shoved up your vag. Hands, pessaries etc. Because of this, your nether regions aren’t going to have pants. It’s just so not appropriate for him to be there when she’s got no pants on. Even if some of the time she may be covered by a long nightshirt type thing or gown.

Why has her bloke left her? Maybe she wasn’t all that into him as she loves your dp?

She’ll likely need support after birth if she’s alone. Is she going to want your dp round when she keeps having to breast feed? Again, I would have trued to get back to my mum if I was in that position.

TBH I think he's much more likely to find the whole thing some variation of incredibly awkward / mildly traumatic / grim / mortifying - while birth may be miraculous it involves a lot of sweat, swearing blood and gunk, often a bit of poo thrown in, one isn't conventionally attractive mid process.

I can see why you aren't happy about it, but honestly if it happens it will just be awkward and strange and not a massive bonding moment, so I think you can put that to one side.

You certainly should not tackle her direct, she is his friend, and he needs to deal with it. If he really feels he needs to be there that is his call, and you would be unreasonable to kick up a fuss given their relationship and her situation.

However, given he is already getting a bit fed up, I would suggest he sets v clear boundaries ie he stays until active labour starts and then goes home and waits to be called at which point you both go and see them both.

The other option is he offer to fork out for a doula (birth companion), but they cost a bit. He still might want to go in with her to settle her in, but that way there will be no danger of him feeling like he needs to stay.

Once Mia has given birth and a few weeks has passed she needs to manage her feelings about her ex better - as her friend your DP may need to point this out.

If she is asking to borrow money from him, is her staying in the UK really viable? Or would she be better to go home and be near her parents?

She has no other family or friends

That poor baby, and I feel for the mother too.

But he is in no way responsible for her birthing plan to have to be there.

I would be very uncomfortable with this OP.

Nope sorry the only woman whose birthing room he should be in is yours should you wish to have kids. I think he can be at the hospital with her but not in the room. It’s too weird and I wouldn’t like it.

I say that as someone whos partner has a female best friend of over 15 years and should she ever need him for this I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him to go. Yours is too much too soon. She needs different friends or family to do it.

That is wildly inappropriate.

DH needs to tell her no.

I was induced on a Tuesday morning and didnt gave the baby till early hours Friday. So he/she needs to be prepared for a long wait. DH didn't stay with me the whole time either as he needed to sleep and we have DC1 at home.

The birth is the beginning of support, not the end. What’s her plan if she has a section? It’s totally inappropriate.

This. It’s so fishy.

She chose to proceed imprudently without a committed partner. That’s her problem to deal with.

There are two possible scenarios here.

1 He is the father and they are both lying their heads off.
2 She wishes he were the father and is going to do her utmost to get him to play daddy and to leave you for her.

Based on what you say, I think 2 is the most likely.
She sounds extremely immature- I mean, who shudders theatrically if a friend accidentally brushes past- and then wants him to support her in labour?
I’m not convinced.
My husband would run a mile.

The induction to help with natural birth thing also sounds like nonsense.

I feel for the friend to be w/out family during a pregnancy. Sounds awful. I know she thinks having your DP there would be helpful, but what she really, truly needs is a woman who's given birth to be by her side. I second the doula. Your DP won't have a clue how to support her. You'd be better than DP because you are at least a woman, but still, she needs experienced mothers near her, not some guy friend who doesn't know jack about babies or birth!

And I second the oddness of her wanting DP there. She's indeed vulnerable and she's also off...this is NOT the time for DP to be her savior. It won't go well.

The induction to help with natural birth thing also sounds like nonsense.

It is.

I had a natural birth, squatting. I was monitored of course, but no interventions needed.

It's not that weird about the induction. I was overdue and the specialist was considering inducing me to have a chance of a natural labour but on further thought he said that the baby was biggish and I was smallish and even with the induction I might not manage a natural birth. He decided to do a c-section. It's not that an induction makes a natural delivery easier but just that labour hasn't started and you are meant to get the baby out within two weeks of the due date in case the ageing placenta packs up or the baby is otherwise in distress.

That aside this seems to be totally inappropriate request of a male friend. It is not your partner's responsibility to be there. It can go on for simply hours if it is a natural birth. He has employment responsibilities to attend to that could affect his future career progression. He shouldn't have been roped into this. I suggest he check with the mutual female acquaintance unless she too has been bored to tears about the awfulness of Josh. Mia has had 9 months to get somebody more suited to be with her than your partner. I mean what about when she's starkers in a birthing pool - where is he going to be then. I have had platonic male friends but the idea of them accompanying me into labour fills me with horror. I can't even imagine how you ask such a thing.

First baby. Not knowing what to expect. Maybe language issues ( she may need an official interpreter for medical issues and for clarity between her and medical staff). All extremely difficult for her or any woman without a partner. Maybe people from her own country may judge her for being pregnant without a partner. She needs support and yes you and partner should offer her support at the hospital and at home too. She is in a terribly frightening situation. But at the same time you do not need to fall into the situation where you cannot say no to minding a baby. You may feel unable to turn her down so that issue needs to be clear. And loans for money accommodation are a no too.

Inductions can take days not all going to be over in 24hrs, just say he has researched it & cannot get time off from work.

I agree. I’m introverted and even after moving to a new city I managed to make friends.

She will only become more dependent after the baby is born. I found being home with a baby extremely isolating.

Exactly this. I'm not sure he's as reluctant to help out as he's claiming OP. What a coincidence that the induction is booked for his day off.

If it's all so stressful for him, why doesn't he cut ties?

Definitely this.
He’s going to be seen as a replacement father to this baby and you’re going to be messily entangled for the next 20 years if you’re not careful.
He’s far too invested in her already.
I would be very uneasy about this whole shebang; she’s already asked for money, being a birth partner is totally inappropriate and I bet she’s hoping to come and stay with you post delivery because she ‘can’t cope’ or ask your partner to stay with her.
He’s probably very flattered at her reliance on him or he’d have shut it down long ago.
I would be very unhappy about the whole situation.

I was present at a birth and it was traumatising.

So much so that when I was pregnant I scheduled a c-section with a private obstetrician.

The birth was incredibly quick but it was gross. So gross.

In the OP’s case she should detach.

It is up to her partner to manage his friendships.

What is the “teabag thing”?

He really hasn't even known her that long. Why aren't family flying out for her? There are lots of people with no family in the UK, or people with no family full stop, surely she must have someone she's known longer than him somewhere. A bigger concern is what she's going to expect from him once the baby is born, most people would not expect this of someone at all, it's asking way too much, and selfish. She needs to put the birth father's name on the birth certificate, and try to get at least some financial support, because all help with the baby is likely to fall on you guys.

@BeetrootBrownies I hate to say it but you all seem a bit naive about birth (which is fair enough for you and your dp since you haven’t had to think about it yet).

Childbirth can be full of intimacy, gruesome fluids and exposed parts long before the pushing stage. It’s hard to explain until you experience or see it. Also, most people don’t think about modesty or their behaviour whilst in the midst of chidbirth so he could potentially see/experience many graphic things. Leaving “at the pushing stage” is not a solution for not being confronted with graphic scenes.

What I’m trying to say is, he probably won’t be a great birthing partner for her given he’s not comfortable with the idea of providing that level of intimate support or really aware of what he’s in for. It’s a big ask, one I understand from her perspective given her unfortunate circumstances. However, it’s not in either of their interests to have him there in the room with her, and I completely understand why you would like for him to experience that for the first time with you.

One thing I will say is that midwives generally do an excellent job of supporting women through birth, both practically and emotionally. Can he perhaps be at the hospital for her but not in the delivery room?

Absolutely not, everyone in the delivery suite is going to think he's the father and its going to be such a intense and intimate experience emotions will be all over the place and I bet she fancies him already anyway. Once that baby is here she's going to want to lean on him more and more I can guarantee it, I'm sorry but I think your partner needs to take a massive step back from the whole situation because the birth will be just the start.

If I were you, I would research how to be a good birth partner and offer to do it myself.
I feel for the woman, being all alone at such a vulnerable time.