Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Nope, it’s weird!

As an adult woman, she has no friends at all apart from one man she befriended at a hobby group? That’s strange.

It is sad she’ll be alone giving birth but that doesn’t mean your man has to be her knight in shining armour. He’s your man, not hers! Childbirth is incredibly intimate, why would she even want him there anyway?

He needs to step back from the friendship a bit as she’s becoming far too dependent on him.

I appreciate you’re saying there’s no sexual relationship between them but it sounds like she’s treating him like he’s her everything - her husband and her best friend.

I am a single parent by choice and have a close male friend who finished up coming to my planned but emergency Caesarean.

There has never been anything romantic between us and I have known him for 20 years, 15 of which he lived with me or a family member in flatshares. He is divorced with children but met a new partner (who was also pregnant).

He offered to come as I was having hysterics over an abnormal scan, but I only agreed on the proviso that his new partner agreed. I did not want any of my family in theatre as my sister was a very prem emergency Caesarean and I had siblings who died as newborns. I didn’t want to have to think about anyone else’s feelings and trusted my friend to look out for me.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby ... She’s also ask him to lend her money ... she has no family or other friends
So many red flags. You need to tread carefully and maintain boundaries.

She is due to be induced on DP’s day off.

Induction is not a magic process that instantly produced a baby. Mine started on a Monday baby eventually arrived via C-section on Wednesday so his day off might not cover the process.

It would be a no from me. I'd be OK with him visiting before much is happening and again after the baby arrives but in between no. She needs to find an alternative.

Nope. Too weird. Imagine if you decide to have kids. Sounds petty but I'd be really upset that he'd been through it first with another woman (It didn't bother me that my son's dad had already been through it with his ex, but if he had been through it with a friend that he was still close to after, I would hate it). She needs to either get a doula, or find another friend/family member to go with her.

I would be very careful here she could be pushing your dp into a fatherly role for this child. If she ends up having a c section how does she plan to go home? She won't be allowed to drive as its major surgery. Help as much or as little as you want but she should really be flagging to midwife her situation and that she will potentially need extra professional support.

Birth plan does sound a little odd and not typical based on research I’ve done and knowledge of family member’s births but I am hearing it second-hand from a very out-of-depth DP so he may be getting mixed up rather than her spinning him tales

He is definitely in a bit too deep here! I’d go with PP’s suggestion and offer to accompany him.

Though I must add, when I had my induction date I thought I would go in that morning and leave in the evening with my baby. How wrong I was! Went in the Monday morning, given the teabag thing. Several more induction methods later, baby finally coaxed out on the Thursday. Other women on my induction ward were still getting nowhere when I left!

EDIT: Just seen @WarrentOfficier‘s post!

She needs to hire a Doula. There’s many reasons why a woman may not have a birth partner and a Doula is a good option.

I wouldn't like this either. Most importantly your DP doesn’t like it. Maybe he only wants to experience this with you too.
After the birth I think this would become more intense.

He needs to tell her quickly so she can make alternative arrangements.

Let this man step up and care for his friend in her moment of need. Women care for each other and everybody else at the expense of their own comfort and convenience all the bloody time. The world would be a much much much better place if men were encouraged to do it too. This is not about you, it’s about a scared vulnerable woman looking for support from someone close to her.

Mine is now a teen but I'm fully confident I'd still be waiting for him to arrive if things hadn't taken an urgent turn necessitating an emergency section

I get on well with Mia but I wouldn’t say we are friends in our own right, it’s all through DP. She did make an effort with me when DP was away on a work trip, I had moved to another city to be with DP and she messaged me and said if I was lonely I could meet up with her for a coffee. She genuinely is a nice person though has been a bit highly strung lately but it’s understandable.

Ive thought about messaging her directly woman to woman but I’m not sure what to say or how to open the dialogue. I don’t know about offering to take DP’s place as the birth partner. I know I’m a woman but I’ve never been pregnant either and I don’t think I’d be any more use than DP would be. She doesn’t want him seeing anything graphic as much as DH doesn’t want to see anything graphic. I don’t know if they’ve thought of the logistics. I think she is just terrified and doing whatever she can to make the idea of the birth less scary and the thought of a familiar face there is helping her.

I’m not angry with her for asking but goodness me it’s still making me incredibly uncomfortable. I can see DP is uncomfortable too. He won’t even be intimate with me when I’m on my period ffs as it freaks him out, how he will cope watching a platonic friend labour is beyond me. He clearly doesn’t want to do it but doesn’t want to distress her by saying no

The birth aside, where will it all end? Is she going to expect him to help with the baby when she is overwhelmed or tired or needs a break. It really is not his responsibility. What is her long term plan? Is she going to remain in the UK with no support.

Anyone saying “they are like a brother/sister to me” is a massive red flag. I have never known anyone say this about a friend and not end up shagging them when they’re both single.

Also gave me alarm bells that she was so hilariously repulsed and gagging when they made accidental contact. Yeah, no. This is protesting far too much, far, far too much. I used to have a friend do this. Insist my ex DP was a brother and couldn’t listen to me talk about anything intimate because it grossed her out far too much to hear such things about her brother. I broke up with him, They then got engaged. Almost instantly, actually.

There is no way I would be comfortable with any of this OP. Too many crossed boundaries and red flags.

Whether she’s giving birth or having a c section, how is she going to cope on her own recovering from the birth with a newborn to care for? Is she going to need your man to move in with her for the first few weeks to support her? Maybe he can get paternity leave off work. I’m guessing he’ll need to take her to register the baby’s birth. Maybe she’ll name the baby after him. You can see where I’m going with this, it’s too much.

She’s known him 4 years so in that 4 years and all the time before she met him, she’s never made any other friends at all in this country and everyone she was ever friends with in her home country refuses to have any contact with her?

Birth is probably the most intimate experience they could share together and it’s not just about being a support. As a man in that room holding this woman in her most vulnerable state it’s going to inflate all sorts of emotions between them. That’s a shared bond that will last between them. He will hold that baby, he might even be offered to cut the cord. It’s such an intense process and he can’t predict how he will feel in that moment when he is all caught up in it.

He can support his friend from outside the delivery room and bring things to her hospital bedside once that part of the process is over.

you’ve articulated exactly what i’ve been thinking

Maybe if she could afford it you could suggest a doula instead. Maybe even get her one as a gift. I'm not big on hippy dippy stuff but if I'd recommend a doula to anyone it would be a woman in her position.
You need to draw some boundaries.

That’s like someone asking you for a lift and you saying “where will it end? Will they expect me to buy them dinner after? And after that maybe they’ll want to live in my spare room????”

You can offer help in a difficult moment and that doesn’t mean the person will hound you for other things for the rest of your life (if they do this you can of course just say no)

My goodness. This would be a no from me too, but I can see he's in a very difficult position. As others have said, their plan makes no sense - you don't necessarily give birth on the day you are induced (if only!!) and the point at which she's ready to push and imagines she'll wave goodbye to him is precisely the point when she will need her birth partner most. He can't just walk away then!

You said she has no family in the UK - but who does she have and where are they? Does she have a mother / sister who could travel over? Could you go some way toward subsidising this a bit as an act of friendship (and to get DP off the hook)?

Or I would offer to go in place of your DP - but get him to be the one who tells her that (so it's not you vetoing, it's him saying he cannot do this - it's too much - but you would be willing to step up)

Does she have any other friends?

Are there any charitable organisations in your area that might provide a birth partner in this situation? Or community groups she can tap into to find this? A quick google threw this up -

• Doula UK Access Fund: Provides free birth or postnatal doula support to individuals experiencing financial hardship and disadvantage anywhere in the UK. Referrals can be made by a healthcare professional or social worker.
• Birth Companions: Supports women experiencing severe disadvantage, particularly those in contact with the criminal justice system, in London and the South East of England. They offer a wide range of practical and emotional support during pregnancy, birth, and early motherhood.
• The Birth Partner Project: A Cardiff-based charity that specifically provides trained volunteer birth partners to women seeking sanctuary (refugees and asylum seekers) in Cardiff, Wales. They also provide postnatal support for up to eight weeks.
• Amma Birth Companions: A Glasgow-based charity supporting women and birthing people facing barriers like poverty, isolation, or language with birth and postnatal companionship, antenatal education, and advocacy.
• Doulas Without Borders: A UK-wide network of volunteers offering accessible, grassroots services to women and childbearing people experiencing multiple disadvantages and financial hardship during the perinatal period.
• Neighbourhood Doulas: Offers free doula services across London to those without a birth partner, who are unable to afford a private doula, and who have one or more factors like perinatal mental health issues, being from a racially marginalised community, or speaking English as a second language.

I have to say, the red flags can be seen from space - both in terms of their relationship and her potentially taking advantage. Accept you've done your due diligence, and are satisfied that there are no feelings / physical or emotional affair... But it doesn't sound great when you set it all out... The whole "Yuk" thing if he brushes past her in front of you is a bit "protests too much" if you ask me. But that isn't what you posted about, so I'll shut up.

@WarrenTofficier😂 I hear ya! I had false starts for weeks. They grow scarily fast after 40 weeks too 🍈

Honestly, I think this is a bad idea. Has he ever been at a birth or child birth classes or worked in health care? With her at risk for a section, I think your BF is going into something he's totally unprepared for. An induction is going to be more intense than unmedicated labour. Add in a section, not a great idea.

She has other options. Why isn't she having a family member with her or hiring a doula? They'd be more effective at support and advocating for her if necessary.

I think her asking him for money is a huge red flag. She's looking for more than labour support. She's turning to your BF to be the support man in her life right now.

He should say no.

The thing that would worry me is that they will always continue a special bond and she won't stay out of your lives for 5 minutes and you'll all be co-parenting.

Fully sympathise with this poor woman’s terrible situation but I just don’t understand why ur DP is her only friend! Very very odd… I’d suggest a suitable woman to support her that has already given birth and knows a bit about what might go on. And I’d also suggest she ask family or friends to come over - surely she didn’t come from nowhere with no one?

YES.