Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

A definite no and I was a single mum and struggled with no support. I’m all for helping others etc but this is too far. It is disrespectful to you that she has asked your partner in my opinion.

I would say to your partner that you are not comfortable and that you don’t want him to do it. If he went ahead and did it anyway I would end the relationship as I just don’t think you can do that if you are in a relationship.

If they both accept that he won’t be her birthing partner then I think it’s fine for the 2 of you to drop off some meals etc after the baby is born but keep boundaries in place.

when I was on my own with a baby and toddler and I needed something like calpol when one of the kids was asleep it was tough luck as I couldn’t go out so I had to be super organised at all times. Now with uber eats where I live I could just order it from Waitrose and it would arrive in half an hour. Not sure if that’s the case where you live.

So I think it’s nice to help and if for example she couldn’t get calpol and one of you were free then yes nip out and get it for her but you can’t be at her beck and call as a couple.

Also watch out for your DP over sharing with her.

You have an argument, he moans to her and is the perfect listener etc etc.

If she fancies him, this isn't a great position because he won't realise how she will save these conversations up against you whilst playing the perfect girl.

Honestly there are red flags all over the place even if assume your DP is completely innocent.

It's his complete innocence that could be used against him.

Yes I do see that about “she doth protest too much”. I of course can’t say for sure that she doesn’t have feelings for him and I can see that maybe she is feeling vulnerable since the baby’s father left her and this may be leading her to see my lovely, kind DP in a different light.

I do trust my partner 100% though. He has been so open and honest with me every step of the way throughout this, asking me for advice, asking me to come with him for their meet-ups. Telling me straight away when she went too far and asked him for money. DP adores me and has said if it is too much for me he will tell her no even though he would feel bad. I know all about his past etc. He went to an acquaintances BBQ few months ago and there was a woman there who he had a history with (a few years ago) and he let me know in advance about this as he wanted it in the open and it wasn’t an issue at all, I wasn’t bothered as it was the past. There’s never any shiftiness with him.

Anyway my point is that I can’t comment for sure on her intentions but I trust my partner very much.

The reality of child birth is every bodily fluid there is. With my
first birth my husband saw a lot of vomiting and I strongly suspected I had a poo too. Then there was the maconian in the waters that gushed out with contractions. Second labour I had been given blood thinning injection and the midwife popped a vein in both wrists and elbows. Husband had to hold my arms up whilst the bleeding stopped. It was pouring out and I looked like I was being crucified. Honestly if I could have said nope not today I would’ve.

My husband was a lot more nervous of going into the delivery room the second time as he was aware of what could go wrong.

OP I strongly advise your partner decline. His friend needs to hire a professional doula

What’s the betting your guy is the actual father eh…

This is one of the strangest posts I’ve ever read on mums net! . Please tell her straight that your bf can’t be her birthing partner as it’s too much and too intimate. She should have thought all this before , she’s had 9 months to sort of how to cope on her own!
the birth is the least of your worries, she’ll be ringing him crying, begging to go over at 2am when the baby is awake crying and cluster feeding. The birth is the start of the hard couple of months of recovery, sleep deprivation and getting used to a newborn. If she thinks he’s happy to be at the birth seeing all that she’ll think nothing of asking him for shopping/ help in the night/babysitting. It’s the oddest thing ever! Say no or leave him , if he does help and do all that, guaranteed he’ll be living with her in a few months .

The no needs to come from him. If he can’t see that this would be a massive crossing of a boundary and blurring the lines with this “friend” who very well may have feelings for him, he needs a serious wake up call. He can’t be saying no because it makes you uncomfortable. He should be saying no because for him this is an unacceptable request and he would never put you in that position. Bottom line. His loyalties should be to you. He shouldn’t be running off to be another woman’s white knight. Especially not a woman who clearly wants to blur the lines of friendship..

If she does have a c section who is going to help her when she goes home with the baby?

@BeetrootBrownies Given that she has no friends or family, I would think it would make far more sense for you to be at the birth (if possible) rather than your husband.

DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing

She says he'll leave when she starts pushing.

Come on now.

That's when she's going to be holding his hand the hardest and his feelings about blood and amniotic fluid and shit, well, she'll be begging him to stay.

He might be one of those that hits the floor. A section he's just not ready for.

He can't make medical decisions for her.

He's not prepared for this at all and it's overstepping the boundaries of friendship and he's in a relationship is all he has to say. This is something you share with the other parent or partner or family member, not someone else's partner. She'll be calling him for rides and help all the time. You know it and so does he and so does she if she's already been hitting him up for money. She'll be asking him for more and more while you get less and less.

Is that how he wants his life to go, you move out so his friend can play happy family with him?

I can comment on what her intentions are based on what is written in black and white here.

Your partner sounds like a decent guy who wants to help his friend. He has been honest with you. He needs to tell her to lean onto her female friends or get a doula as she will otherwise continue to intend that he steps into the role of daddy. It's better for her too if he does this so she can make a clear headed set of decisions about becoming a mum and begin to develop a stronger support network.

I'd take myself out of that situation. Too much. I wouldn't want to wonder about that enmeshed relationship forever. Nope.

He's going to have to give her a strong no about her expectations that he be her labour partner or anything beyond a casual friend and no, he will not be playing dad to her baby.

Have a deep chat with your partner.
Mia will need help after the birth too so saying yes to being a birth support will never end.
Could your partner offer the both of you as joint support?

That is the only sustainable way that will not lead to resentment and special intimate conversations.

It could also be beneficial to hold a late baby shower at your home. Invite all of Mia's girlfriends; she is going to need females who feel welcome to visit her.
It is terrible that her ex abandoned her and the child.
Does he have sisters in the UK?

Bedtime for me. Thank you for the advice everyone. DP currently snoring next to me. I will have another conversation with him tomorrow and let you know where we get to with it.

He’s a bit baffled and overwhelmed with everything, he’s going for a promotion at work and has said he wishes he didn’t have to deal with Mia’s problems at a time when he wants to be revising for the assessment at work. This has been dropped on him and it’s causing him stress - the friendship has already been going sour as he says it used to be a fun friendship where they’d do their shared hobby and have fun nights out etc. He says the friendship has morphed into something completely different since her partner left and he is finding it exhausting listening to her talking endlessly about the dickhead ex-partner and he doesn’t know what to say when she goes on about pregnancy pillows and birth plans and stretch mark cream etc.

I’m going to ask him what he thinks about contacting the mutual female acquaintance that he and Mia share and seeing if she would be willing to reach out to Mia as a female support network

No, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that. It's way too intimate an event, I think. I have given birth a good few times though, so would offer to go in his place, if she were happy with that. I've never been in that position but I do think I'd be uncomfortable with my DH being someone else's support partner in birth. A sister maybe, if really needed, but that feels like something that should be ours as a couple.

I'm usually the type of poster thst MN calls a "cool wife" because I'm fairly relaxed about male/female friendships but this is a hell no.

Childbirth is such an emotional and intinimate thing that it's highly inappropriate, potentially creates a very unique bond and it's very disrespectful of her to even ask.

Your DP should say "it's something I'm not comfortable doing, you will have to find someone else". He isn't a substitute partner for her despite what she seems to thing. The woman has very poor boundaries and ridicilously high expectations.

She could have organised a doula, asked other friends or even asked you.

I don’t think he should be this involved.

He will have a fatherly bond with the baby after watching (even if from afar) it come into the world and if she needs stitches/ time whatever- he will be sat bonding with baby

Is she goi g to breast feed as that’s another special intimate moment?

This is one of those things that will change your bf’s life forever

I’ve given birth four times and I wouldn’t want my husband at anyone else’s birth. It’s a very intimate experience and it’s bizarre that she even wants him there to be honest. I get she’s alone and that needs to be mitigated but I don’t think it’s down to you or your partner to do so.

Having had two very difficult births, I do think that it is important to have someone to advocate for you when you can't advocate for yourself.
If you DP is the only person she trusts well enough to be there that's quite sad to be alone like that.
Can you both be at the hospital. It sounds like she needs someone there she can trust and has noone else, two heads are better than one. The alternative is to ban him from going.

Oh god with the added stress of your DP’s work situation it would be a hard no from me. He definitely needs to retreat now and get some boundaries in place. I would definitely go with the doula idea, even better if you can give her a name of someone already known to you… ‘so sorry Mia I can’t be there but Ive got way too much on at work, my aunties best friends daughter used Delia Doula and found her great, here’s her number, give her a call!’

I have two male besties. I think one of them would do this for me if we were in some scenario where I knew no one else nearby.

In his case, part of the reason why I think he'd go in with me if I asked him to is because he's had kids of his own and he's a brilliant father, so he would understand the terror and the need to have someone I trusted around to advocate for me. I'd feel weird if his wife offered, because while I like her, we're not independently friends.

With the other one, I think he'd be too grossed out. I don't think he'd cope well with all the bodily fluids and the general loss of dignity.

Bearing in mind one of my besties wouldn't do it, I think it's OK for the OP's partner to say no, if he really does feel uncomfortable (and he's not just saying that to make the OP feel better).

The points about the timing are really good. He might be off on the day of induction, but what happens if things are delayed and he has to go back to work? Isn't that worse, to think you have someone to support you and they have to disappear just when you need them? He'd get understanding from his workplace if it was the OP giving birth, but not so if it was just a random friend.

I'd be inclined to encourage him to point that out - that he may not able to be there for the important bits and she needs a more reliable plan. I wouldn't frame it as him being grossed out or not wanting to do it, just that he doesn't think he could get the additional time off work, and he would feel awful having to leave her while she was still in labour.

She's in a vulnerable place - there are ways to turn down the offer without making her feel bad.

Find her a birth doula as an alternative

She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally.

Ha! This is actually the opposite. I think the whole thing is a bit weird too.

This