Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Nope, way too close for a male friend to be and it encourages her to think she can give him some responsibility for the child.

In all honesty I would not hesitate to support a frightened friend during childbirth. Tbh, I would support any woman in that scenario, even one I didn't know well, because I can image it must feel horrific to give birth in a country that isn't yours without a single person who loves you on your side.

The difference is though that I'm a woman. I think women have a bit of an innate sisterhood, which obviously isn't present with men.

I get why she's asked him, and I truly don't think there is anything in it, but I get why you feel uncomfortable. The main thing is though, that your DP feels uncomfortable, so that's kind of the end of that. Can he be on stand by? Like have regular phone check ins whilst she's labouring, then be there as soon as baby arrives, so she doesn't feel so alone? That way she'll feel supported, and he doesn't need to be present during labour.

I think it's very natural to want someone supportive with you during labour, and this poor woman has neither her partner or her mum. I don't think the issue is the labour, so much that it sets a precedence that DP should have some responsibility towards looking after the child post partum.

Exactly this, honestly one of the weirdest situations I’ve come across on Mumsnet and that’s up against some very stiff competition. Honestly, would people put up with this?

They may just be friends but she's overstepping and possibly does have feelings for him.

She not considering the position she's putting him and you in. It's too much.

If he feels uncomfortable he should say no, this is a step too far and he feels uncomfortable and that it's inappropriate. He shouldn't feel guilty because he has the right to say no. If she doesn't like it then honestly it's not his problem - she needs to understand it's damaging his relationship - maybe that's the point though.

Ultimately though she has decided to have a baby with zero support and she's going to have to cope.

The question is have here is if she's going to have a C-section how is she going to cope on her own in the first few weeks? Or is she going to rely on him for that too?

Of course you should be wary even if your DP is completely trustworthy. She isn't necessarily.

I don’t know anyone who would choose their real life brother in this sort of support role. It’s too intimate for a brother. That would be weird. So why does she want him? She’s only known him 4 years, that isn’t that long! Surely in all that time she has other friends? Has she even asked if a family member might fly in and be with her? Or is she telling everyone she has it covered by slipping your DP into the hole her own DP has left behind.

This is a role for a partner, family member, female friend or medical professional. I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to ask someone else’s DP to stand in as your birthing partner. It’s fucking weird.

I suspect it might be about language? However even so it’s not appropriate at all and it will potentially put him in a very wrong and difficult position. He doesn’t want to make decisions about Mia’s healthcare and to be involved in Mia’s life so intensely (if at all) . He is too kind and polite atm but at the end of the day it’s nothing to do with him.
I would advise her to hire doula as someone mentioned. I wouldn’t talk to Mia if I were you, it needs to be coming from him. He needs to send her a message that she can’t rely on him as she clearly tends to overstepping boundaries.

Yes they do share a common language that is not widely spoken in the UK. However she is very fluent in English and has done a degree in the UK etc.

I wouldn't be thrilled in your place but if she & your partner share a common language I'd give the possibility real consideration.

I'm bilingual, I enjoy working & socialising in my second language but it's when I've been almost exclusively doing that for weeks & am suddenly able to switch into my mother tongue that I realise how much extra work it is to function in my 2nd lang.

I'm lucky, my 1st language is English & because of the way medical research & training works, many Drs around the world speak English but when I had a severe chest infection abroad & found myself seeing a GP who didn't speak English, it was really tough going. I could still make myself understood but my comprehension was massively slowed by fever & sleeplessness & when I left the consultation I could remember almost none of it. The idea of going through childbirth without a fluent speaker of my language to hand would terrify me, especially as NHS interpreters may now be just a voice on a crackly phoneline.

Edited for spelling

I’d be concerned and more so as to what happens when she is home, alone, with baby. Did you read the thread about single mum and baby asking a poster’s DH in same block of flats to help with shopping, buggy etc several times a day.
Has she any friends/support network? You need to think ahead here and spell it out to DP if she starts roping him into her new life too much. I feel awful typing this, as we all need help if possible with new norms but it’s not on your DP and he could end up at hers more than yours

This is utterly bizarre! Seems like both you and your DP wouldn't be comfortable with this and I think it's perfectly reasonable to give a polite but firm no. I agree with the previous posters who've recommended signposting her to some of the volunteer birth partner groups.

This is leaving aside how odd it is to have made only one proper friend after four years in the UK if she isn't a notably reclusive or eccentric person.

Agree 100% that she likely has feelings for him already. Based on OP’s first post I think this was extremely clear. Especially acting horrified and making a big deal any time they brushed against each other. Without feelings you wouldn’t even notice this sort of thing. Making a big show and dance out of being disgusted because you could “never see them that way” is a very clear indication she has feelings. It’s so exaggerated. He brushed against you, there was no “that way” intended. Protesting too much. I’ve seen it loads of times.

By asking him to fill this role she’s fostering him into a pseudo father/husband role already and it fits the fantasy. I highly doubt she has no one else who would be there for her in this time of need. She just wants him to be her shining knight.

This. You offer to go OP. 👍

Encourage her to talk to the midwives on the unit about her situation. The ward where I gave birth was very good at supporting women birthing alone, ensuring that there was always a midwife with them. Obviously there may be more resource constraints these days but it would be worth her flagging her situation to see what they say.

Someone mentioned Doulas without Borders. The experience locally with this organisation is positive, so please encourage her to reach out to these as well.

And I share others’ concerns that she will need a lot of support whilst recovering and that it will fall to you both. She really needs to reach out to family or female friends that would be able to come and help.

Her family are useless so they aren’t an option to support her. DP isn’t her ONLY friend exactly, she has a few female friends but she isn’t overly close with them, they are more “fun” friends who she used to party with rather than “will you be my birth partner” level of closeness. DP knows one of them - I wonder if DP could reach out to one of them and explain that Mia is scared to go through birth alone and he thinks she needs female support?

Hmm, this will set expectations very high for DP's involvement in the baby's early years. Mia has literally no female friend to support her at this crucial time? No mum or sister who would come to stay for a few weeks? Really?? Why has she made no friends in this country?
I'd be concerned that she hasn't explored any other possibilities for the birth because she wants DP to be her main person, in the absence of a partner.

She chooses not to be as close to them because she likes being close to your DP.

Absolutely not unreasonable. Can't one of her parents or siblings (if she has them) fly over in the weeks before due date and support her? As others have said, what support is she going to want from your DP once she's back home?

Don't be a cool girlfriend here at the expense of your own feelings (and it sounds like he's uncomfortable anyway). You can support their friendship while still having boundaries and him not attending the birth is a perfectly reasonable one. And also, please do speak to him now about what he sees his support being after the birth and how he'll put boundaries in place there.

"....she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he's accidentally brushed passed her....."

All the rest aside - what you put there suggests she fancies your DP.

That aside, if she has NO other friends or family in the UK she can rely on for support or ask to help in this scenario, what's the plan for after this birth? Who is she going to ask to step in and help late at night when baby is restless, or ask to come round in the day to give her a break or keep her company, if there is really nobody else..... Likely your DP is going to have a lot of calls on his days off. I hope you're ready for it. What a tricky situation.

Agree with PP also. What happens in those first few weeks after baby is born? Will your DP have to move in with her to help out because she will be post surgery?

He needs to draw the line that he cannot be a partner to her - he is your partner and these are things he wants to experience together with you.

I said this too. It’s so stinkingly obvious she has big feelings for OP’s DP. He needs to draw the line and set some boundaries fast.

It's not his problem to resolve though!

Honestly him getting involved like this is too much too. It's unhealthy. He's doing the knight in shining armour thing.

If she does fancy him, he's effectively feeding that.

I do think you have to seriously think about what's going on. She wants someone to save her and your DP has a hero complex. The trouble is, this puts him a vulnerable position which risks him being misunderstood in terms of his motivations and if she fancies him, doesn't help the problem.

He really needs to take a bit of a step back and have better boundaries.

If they go through this together, they will be forever bonded in this very intimate way. It's intense. And then she will be feeling desperately vulnerable looking after a baby on her own - particularly if she ends up with a c-section and needing help to lift the baby / do basic things for a couple of weeks. If he was there at the birth, it will feel so natural to ask him to help in the early newborn days... And if she doesn't have feelings for him already (I think she does), she could well develop some. He will be the male figure in the partner and father role at a key moment in her life. There is no erasing that.

Exactly what sort of "useless" are her family? It would have to be pretty extreme for him to really be a better option for her.

He’s in deep enough, but what about the early days. She’s gonna want his help all the time….

This would be so inappropriate on so many levels.

Under the circumstances and from your point of view this is so totally inappropriate that this woman is leaning on him so much. If he doesnt want to step back from the 'friendship' then you must take a step back from him till he gets his priorities right. Absolutely unacceptable she is asking him to lend her money. Tbh she sounds a bit of a user IMHO.