Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

ah op. Can you and DP go together? Dk you can be there for him!
you and partner sound really lovely to be so supportive but if it helps put things in perspective. My daughter is an ivf baby and during my fertility journey husband was often away which left me stuck with giving sone of the intramuscular injections! (Not that I didn’t try in front of the mirror) I did this for 90 days…one of my mates is a vet. If husband was away I used to pootle to the vet practise on my way home from work and he used to administer my injections. He did give me a treat afterwards lol sometimes fruit sometimes a protein bar! No attraction or weird feelings between us - we have been friends over 10 days and I can say he is friends with my husband too..

Is your DP the father of this woman's child? He is ridiculously close to her. Ask him to get a paternity test

She may be by herself but is playing it up to the hilt. The Poor Me Act. And using a well known trick by women who from abroad. To either stay in the country or get British Citizenship for her child.

Or maybe she can't tell her family. Shame etc.Or doesn't know who the father is. Totally her problem.

It would be a easy choice for me. Me or her.

it sounds like he would be a fairly useless birth partner anyway. She needs a doula or a close friend/family member to fly over for the duration. Your partner can say he would not be able to give her what is needed and decline. Him being there would not be the fix to this situation.

The DP has said no, Mia has left a ranty voice note.

The DP is not the dad.

Stand down, all.

Quite frankly God herself/himself could have arrived in person and the only person I needed was the midwife. Everyone else was surplus to requirements.

I have read all your posts OP and it really sounds like she is losing the plot. You need to be cruel to be kind. She needs you to show her what sensible boundaries are.. otherwise she is only going to get more hurt the longer this goes on.
You and your DP do need to take control and tell her what's what I'm afraid. It's not her place to try and control your DP.

Also, I would highlight that the birth could go any number of ways and there is no way of predicting the many situations your partner might find himself in. I was in agony for many hours due to complications and I can't imagine how a friend would cope/know what to do. I couldn't talk or communicate so how would he know what to do in that sort of situation? It's ugly and scary. She probably has a bit of a rose tinted idea of things happening in orderly stages.
Also, induction can last days, even a week... what would he do then? There are hours and hours and hours of waiting and not knowing how long things will take.

If it was only about the birth and once that's done he has no more responsibility then maybe you could let him help her and then draw a line under the situation. However as she seems to be completely alone in the world with no other support whatsoever it's possible that she is going to draw him into her and the baby's life which has disaster written all over it especially for you.

I think she has become v dependent on him - if it is a brother sister dynamic would she want her brother in the delivery room with her?? I get that she’s alone otherwise but I think you might be a better fit & more tuned into her needs. I think you should both have a conversation with ber that it’s making DP feel put in an awkward position & he’s also out of his depth. You can step in to support but in no way can be her birthing partner. I know her ex did the dirty on her but it’s not your DP’s fault or responsibility to fill his or the lack of any other family members shoes. Does she have no other friends in her life apart from your DP? Those would be my thoughts. Whether your DP will agree to them is another matter. I can imagine being a man, he won’t want to confront the situation, won’t want to admit to any issue with the situation, nor own or acknowledge that he’s uncomfortable with it - or that you are & as your partner, he needs to choose your feelings over hers. I’d like to hope he will. Worth a shot. After the baby is born though it does just feel like you’re going to get further dragged into milestones you rightly want to go through, with your DP, that are yours & his, not hers.

I can imagine being a man, he won’t want to confront the situation, won’t want to admit to any issue with the situation, nor own or acknowledge that he’s uncomfortable with it

Luckily, DP has confronted it and put a stop to it. So that’s good,

@SheilaFentiman oops just RTFT - ignore the above OP! That is really encouraging.

I think you should offer to be her birth partner if she really doesn’t have any female friends or family to ask. It would be a kindness and also solve the issue of yours and your DP’s feelings about him being there.

Im not so cool (TM) that I would be happy to indefinitely allow my partner to enter into a co-dependant home making scenario with another woman. But I am cool enough to treat this particular scenario no different to if my partners male friend asked him to chum him through major surgery because he didn’t have anyone else he trusted enough available and he was really nervous.

Birthing isn’t sexual or romantic, women aren’t ALL husband stealing harlots and men have it in them to go out of their comfort zones to provide emotional and logistical support to friends and family.

Millytante · 24/11/2025 11:56
OP would suffer the absence of the partner as he’s more and more required to fulfil Mia’s support needs, I mean. This proposed birth plan will rob her of the bloke she’s only just set up home with, and with whom she is still in a fairly new relationship. It’ll be a sore test of their setup, I’d think.
Naturally this discussion is largely about OP; she has asked whether her reactions are justified. Though how it wouldn't involve her one bit is beyond me anyway; are you really such a Cool Girl™️ that nothing she has told us would make you turn a hair?
I’m not bothered by concerns about a sexual relationship between DP and this Mia, but about the inevitable annexing of his time, focus, and other support once she is home with her baby. Naturally she had rather hoped he’d be otherwise occupied, at home.

@Millytante excellent points, hoping you've patented Cool Girl (TM), and I suspect lots of posters would be less cool than they've suggested, if this situation landed on them in real life.

@BeetrootBrownies how are things now, has Mia settled down?

Nothing I wrote contradicts anything in your last paragraph.

Why can't you be her 'caring' person instead of him. You don't say where they both come from but there are very few cultures where it is deemed appropriate for a man to be present who isn't the father of the baby. You say she likes you so she should surely understand? Has he said whether he minds?

This multiplied by 10 !

A surgery isnt remotely the same thing. Once you've healed from surgery in 6 weeks or whatever, thats it. A broken leg or something similarly surgical wont require ongoing babysitting needs for years or ongoing emotional support, or PPD, or her asking for him to act as a surrogate father figure because the baby needs it and its so hard being a single parent etc etc

What she will require from OP's partner isnt going to end after the birth and if you think thats the case then you are being extremely naive considering the level of support she is already expecting and asking from him NOW.

Boundaries and expectations need to be put in place now, before anyone does anything. It's unfair to act as a surrogate father during the birth and then to cut right off and say thats it, no more. That is cruel- she is likely to be even more hormonal and even more emotionally vulnerable after the birth and for him to help with the birth and then reduce contact will feel like a rejection to her which is more painful than if she knew what to expect from the beginning.

Managing expectations and putting in firm boundaries now will prevent a disaster and drama later on down the road because mark my words, if they dont do this, this will not end well.

This. It just won’t end here and he’ll be in too deep to back out once the child is here and he’s been there for the birth.

She knows what she’s doing, what a sly woman. She knows she’s in a relationship, to asks such a thing oh this one knows what she’s doing.

Your dp is great with how he addressed it. She has crossed major lines and it’s not ok. Her reaction tells you everything. If she was a genuine friend to him and respected his relationship then I can’t see why she wouldn’t ask you.

But this hobby friend has already involved OP's partner beyond normal bounds by talking about breast pumps etc with him. There is no way she would just have him as her birthing support and then wave goodbye - and why would he want his first experience of a birth to be with someone who is not his partner, and who he's not that close too? Nothing is like your imaginary scenario here.

There's also a difference with major surgery in that (probably!) the patient is under GA and you wouldn't be in the room with them - it would be more like bringing them chocolate and chat before/after, helping them to get home, maybe doing a shop for them or popping in a few times a week to cheer them up during recovery.

That’s absurd 🙄 Operations can take any length of time and can involve any sort of subsequent disability. The point I make is the exact same, she’s only asking about the birth at this point. Even if he supports her during birth he is not powerless to decline to support her with subsequent logistics. I maintain that it is because he is a man he gets off with it and I would argue that this is a huge huge part of what’s wrong with society. None of us know anything about this pregnant friend other than what OP has written so to make the assumption that she will demand he step into a permanent father role based on this one request is ridiculous (as is the widespread assumption that OPs boyfriend is too feckless or fragile to support his friend during her time of need).

Even if he supports her during birth he is not powerless to decline to support her with subsequent logistics. I maintain that it is because he is a man he gets off with it and I would argue that this is a huge huge part of what’s wrong with society.

He's a gaming friend. He's not the father. If the father chooses to fuck off, then Mia has to take that into account, not expect random friends to give her money and be her labour partner.

Did you miss she's already asked him for money? He's also not ok with seeing the kind of things he'll be seeing in labour and uncomfortable with all her talk about the baby with him. She's been talking to him about post delivery things like breast feeding and pumps. He isn't knowledgeable nor interested.

He set boundaries with a friend who was trying to make him into more than that. That's very healthy. More people should do that instead of being people pleasers then ending up resentful and angry. She should have been speaking with her OB or midwife about needing resources. They're far more knowledgeable about what is available to her than some random dude friend.

as is the widespread assumption that OPs boyfriend is too feckless or fragile to support his friend during her time of need

The DP said that he was 'weirded out' and wanted to leave before things got 'gruesome'. Hence the posters basing their responses on this.

Neither of those is being feckless or fragile, but they were hardly the words of an enthusiastic birth partner.

He has subsequently - and sensibly - said no to Mia.