Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Now is the time for your DP to distance himself. He needs to tell her honestly that he isn't keen on her proposal, that he's not comfortable doing it, and that you are also not in agreement.

He can tell her he's busy right now with his work situation and that he'll have to be less available for her. Yes it's a bit harsh but he's going to have to do it before he ends up being at the very least, a surrogate dad for her baby.

In fact I don't know why, when she floated the idea first, he didn't say "whoa there, that won't be happening Mia, I haven't even seen a child of my own being born yet!" He should have shut it down immediately. I'm sure he's a lovely bloke but he doesn't see that his friend is using him.

That’s an admirable position to take, but how do you square it with the guy inevitably causing pain and sorrow his beloved, while he goes to this woman’s aid? Does she not count?
His white knight stuff can only happen if another woman (to whom he has obligations) suffers.
Best a single man is recruited, if man there must be, and surely after four years in the country, Mia has met others from the home country even if she’s not made any other friends.

I wouldn't be comfortable with that, either, and it also feels like too much to ask of your partner. It's a lot to ask of anyone other than your spouse/partner, closest family members, or a lifelong friend who feels like family. I'd hate it if someone wanted me to be in the delivery room with them. She needs to find someone else or rely on the medical professionals who will be taking care of her.

As others have said, my bigger worry would be her expectations after the baby is born. Will she be relying on your partner to do everything her own partner would have done, in terms of practical and emotional support? Imagine the time and effort that might be required. It's better to set some boundaries now and manage her expectations.

She shouldn’t have asked - it’s inappropriate and i wouldn’t be surprised if she is harbouring fantasies about them being a family of sorts.

the bit about her making weird faces when he brushes past is also a red flag imho - and extremely childish.

Normally I would hate this too, but in this situation it sounds like she could really use the support. It's a pity she has no female friends she could ask. Or maybe YOU could be the one to be at the hospital? She might prefer you, anyway, but doesn't feel she can ask. If that's not an option, I would go with him to the hospital, so it's not just the two of them, and she will probably appreciate you being there too.

What's her family situation in her home country like? Odd that no one from there is coming for the birth. Sounds like she'd be best off going back to her own country after the birth, if she has no one here.

You did that a second time?!

This. All of this. And this is why I think that ideally, OP should step up. OP, you'll get your reward in heaven! 😇

Did they end up getting together?

Seconded. He needs to have extricated himself from that scene well in advance of her due date.
The event of the birth and all the emotions flying around would effectively seal some kind of ‘contract’ between DP and Mia, certainly in her exhausted eyes anyway.
Could bring a world of trouble to your door, and desperately tricky to shift.

It’s she who is behaving in an inappropriate way here, making an impossible demand of your chap, and it’s not for him to tie himself into knots with any guilt. But he needs to cut this off pdq, or else the sheer force of her demands will pull him in like a tide.

It’s not that a man may not assist a woman. But this man will be only recently more deeply committed to you, as you start living together.
It’s not cricket to ask it of him. (Maybe after you've been married for ten years, fine)
But an essentially newlywed bloke ought not to be annexed for such a very intimate step. There are rules!

That's a tricky one because you aren't being unreasonable to be uncomfortable but then she's not being unreasonable to want her only friend to be near by during potentially one of the most traumatic experiences of her life.
Can you be there together to support her?

gender reveal- surely she must’ve had other friends for this sort of thing? not to stereotype but oronanly mainly female also? Couldn’t one of them step in? I’d rather help pay to fly family over than this but she must be feeling g so alone. I feel bad for her and would want to help as well.

Lots of red flags, why does this woman have no family or friends at all. What about a mother, or aunt? Sisters or cousins? What about a childhood best friend? It's very rare that someone goes through life having not got anyone. I think she is lying about that.

She's only known the partner for 4 years, that's not that long ago, it seems hard to belive she's developed such an intense relationship with a man that she has no desire for. One of my best friends is male but I've known him since we were teens. I still wouldn't ask him to accompany my birth.

He needs to pull out and also distance himself as she's definitely lining him up to help her with the baby, which she should refuse. She's choosing to be a single parent, that's fine, but she needs to know it's just going to be her and the baby.

I think your dp is beginning to think it is too much and too weird

I find this totally bizarre and inappropriate behaviour from this friend.

Giving birth is a very messy and intimate (and totally undignified) procedure. It can also be very traumatic all around. There will often need to be intimate examinations to check how far dilated she is, attach monitors to the baby's scalp (yes, really) before birth if necessary due to concerns. She will mostly be naked from the waist down too once on the delivery unit. Her pants won't stay on so if either of them thinks they will then they are in for a rude awakening.

There will be blood, amniotic fluid, possibly meconium (baby's first poo) if baby is distressed, and very possibly poo from the mother too. That is by no means unknown.

Also, induction doesn't help ensure or guarantee/promote a natural birth. That's just bullshit. It can be quite brutal and cause distress to both mother and baby.

People will think your DP is the father. He will be addressed as such if he is there.

He needs to grow a backbone here and tell her it isn't happening. She needs either another female friend or to hire a doula if her own mother is such a non-option. Harsh as it may seem, your partner should be being very firm about this. Currently, both he and she are making the very rookie error of assuming that the birth will be the end of everything. From someone who has given birth three times, take it from me that it isn't. It is just the beginning, for the next two decades and more.

This woman is in a vulnerable and scary situation but she is being totally unreasonable and putting both your partner and you in a very unfair position. She does need to be told this and steered towards hiring a doula.

I don’t know, to be honest. I know that she moved back home eventually but my ex and I never kept in touch so I dont know if anything happened in the end.

"she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her"
The lady doth protest too much, methinks. That behaviour is strange, frankly, and really does stink of trying to cover up feelings of attraction towards your partner.

He really needs to say a flat out 'no, I'm happy to come in after the birth, but I'm not comfortable being there throughout labour' - she's not his responsibility. Honestly, it's weird that she wants him there.
Having given birth, I can't imagine wanting a man there who I wasn't intimate with. It's such a vulnerable, primal experience. And unless she has an epidural then with the added intensity that an induction can cause, she's likely to be in a state where she's blindly seeking comfort throughout it (understandably) and that shouldn't come from your partner.

You do realise she's going to probably want him heavily involved in her child's life. Whether or not he is at the hospital for the birth, he will need to start putting in place some boundaries for the future.

All else aside, I think if the medical recommendation she was given was to have a C-section, she should have a C-section.

Her life is going to change forever that day: her needs, her priorities, her freedoms. It’s just not appropriate for your DP to be there. And as @Wonderlandpeony says, that won’t be the end of the matter, that will be the beginning.

That said, it does sound like she’s got herself into a position of being vulnerable, and helpless. I think any help given from you and your DP has to be led by you… she’s going to be in your life for as long as your with DP.

Op with respect, you have both lacked boundaries from the beginning. The minute you moved in, and the relationship became serious, then he should not be meeting pregnant and single women asking for money, friends or not. At that point, you should all be getting together, if you want to. He should have been making it clear to Mia that his new relationship is the priority now.

I voted you are being unreasonable because you have left this very late. You are running the risk of ending up basically co parenting.

Dp needs to say no, he isn’t comfortable and she needs to hire a doula. You and dp can dive her to the hospital and settle her in. Return after the baby is born with a quick visit ( food and a gift) and then you must both leave her to it. Or she will be on the phone every five minutes asking for help, money etc.

She has chosen to go ahead with an unplanned pregnancy with no support whatsoever. She is an adult, and does need to learn how to manage alone.

Dp now needs to fade into the background and become ‘busy at work’ No more meeting up weekly or support of any kind. Once she is home if there is a true emergency you can respond, not dp. You need boundaries, yesterday. Ot this will be just the start of things to come.

Tell her to get a doula or whatever they are called. You can hire one to be a birthing partner.

It's a big no from me. I am wondering if she is even realising what birth/induction entails?
She'll be bare bottomed.from the start, all dignity goes out the window. I was sat in a potty chair for a big part of it as I needed to wee so much and honestly felt I could do a number 2 all of the time lol. He won't be leaving any room once "pushing", that's probably when she wants him there most.
And then recovery...who will be with her throughout the first nights? She will be utterly exhausted and will beg for help. I feel for her as it sounds very lonely but sad she hasn't explored alternative options really.

It’s very weird to want a male friend as your birth partner. It’s really nice that he wants to support his friend but that support would better placed by dropping things off to the hospital after the birth or driving her home or popping round when she’s home with some shopping etc. If she really feels unable to do it alone (plenty of women do birth alone and the staff will be used to that). Then she needs to find a female friend, family member or a proper doula or person who does birth support as a job.

I think it will be very easy for your partner to get out of his depth and see and experience more than he wants. Which could end up tarnish in the friendship.

It seems that to show the most kindness to Mia would be to be cruelly unavailable.

Your partner needs to back off and enable Mia to search for her most supportive female friends and her family.

Ways you could help without supporting Mia becoming dependent on your DP ..

Save up and donate some money to help pay for her mother or sister to travel - or Mia to travel for the birth.
Make Mia some meals that she can freeze ahead of time for when she is with a newborn.
You offer to help Mia set up her nursery.
Compile a list of local baby and mother support groups.
Research and provide phone numbers for available local Doulas or professional birth support.
Invite Mia and baby out for coffee walks with the pram.

Ultimately, if Mia has the hots for your DP than you also will need to distance yourself from her after she is confident.

My SIL had this. Why is it so unusual?

I really disagree with a lot of the responses here.

Mia is alone, in a foreign country, pregnant unexpectedly, having split up with a long term partner. Yes, she’s a bit more needy than normal, but that’s because of her circumstances. Your dp needs to continue supporting her. It’ll calm down once baby is here and she’s settled.

Your DP is her closest friend in the uk, the only one who speaks her language, and it’s not at all unreasonable for her to be relying on him with all of this going on. It’s unfortunate that he’s male and she’s giving birth which might be awkward with being undressed etc - but she’s acknowledging that and suggesting that he steps out.

I also really don’t think that she fancies him. I think that she’s aware that new partners are sometimes jealous of established male/female friendships and so she’s been going out of her way to make it clear to you that they’re just friends - double dates, inviting you for coffee, talking about him as a brother, including you in things. I cannot imagine asking someone I fancied to be there when I gave birth - it’s literally the least sexy thing you will ever do.

I think that some of pp suggestions have been good. See if you can get phone numbers for her other friends and organise a baby shower. Try and work out if any of them would be more suitable as a birth partner. Perhaps you, dp and one other friend could all be at the hospital and take turns supporting her? With dp stepping back for the later stages if he’s uncomfortable?

Do you speak her language? I gave birth in my second language (which I also speak fluently and was living in day-to-day) and I found it hard.

If you’re raising it with her I’d say something like “I don’t think that you should be doing this alone with no support, and I’m worried that DP will have to step out when you need him most. Would you like me and x to be around too?”