To think women should think more carefully about giving children father's last name?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

This.
In light of the case recently where a (male) judge said a child whose father was found to be a rapist still had to keep his last name until she was 18 (or father consented to name change).
I married young first time around and was incredibly naive - one of my biggest regrets is giving my sons ex-husband's last name alone.
I am now remarried and Ms HisName-My Name, my husband is Mr HisName-MyName, and our daughter is Miss HisName-MyName.
So much happier with this 😀

It makes sense when parents are married and share a surname (whatever you think about whether women should change their name). Obviously in this scenario when the decision is made the intention is to stay together forever.

The ones I can't fathom are the unmarried ones who give their kids the dad's surname even when in a large proportion of cases dad is barely, if at all, involved with the kid.

I think it should be the norm for kids to have mum's surname. Cases of mums buggering off and not having anything to do with the kids are rare compared to dads doingvthe same.

I so wish I’d given my son my name. I was only married to his father for 4.5 years and we split up after 3 years anyway. I was young and naive at the time though and thought it was the ‘done’ thing. We were due to be married a few months after we registered the birth so I didn’t see the harm, silly me.

Good start. Now what do you think happens when two couples both have double barrel names?

Well, the thing is, it's like saying "I'm going to use my mother's maiden name." Then later on they realise that name is their grandfather's name.

I understand, I really do and I'm not trying to wind anyone up with this. It's just not making sense in my brain cranium. That could just be that it's Monday and my brain is still in weekend mode.

My eldest father left and never came back, fortunately it was years ago and I was able to change her name. My other two have kept their father's name despite him being an utter arsehole as my surname would inspire teasing and they wouldn't want to change. I see it as their name now, their father is just that wanker 😆

It's weird that people think that men own names but women only have their father's/grandfather's names. Why don't we get full ownership on birth, like they do? My name is just as much mine as my dad's is his, and as much mine as my brother's is his.

Whatever name you chose, you can't erase the biological father. You can try to delete him as much as you want, he's still the father.

Exactly what I wrote, they take one name from each parent. This is the norm for millions of people world wide.

I know, I really don’t know why some people insist and pretend that names only belong to men, its bizarre.

My children have my surname and it works much better, as I have always handled all the school stuff, paperwork, sports, etc. my ex-husband wasn't bothered as he didn't want to be involved.

It’s got to start somewhere though, unless all women picked a fresh name and started with that. I don’t mind about the past (well I do, but I can’t change it), but I do care about the future and I actually believe that starting with me, it is now my name to pass on, even if it came from my male lineage. At least it is my lineage and not my husband’s, which is nothing to do with me.

I see it as my daughter’s and her children’s name comes from their female lineage (me), even if further back it represents my male lineage.

I don’t see how your argument supports wives or children continuing to take their husband’s name, just because the names on both sides originated from men.

Hear, hear!

It's because you've not interrogated the double standard. You're not the first and you won't be the last!

Basically, if you really think the woman's name isn't her own cos a man had it first, then you wouldn't describe her husband's surname as his either. Because he got his the same way. Either surnames only really belong to the first person to hold them, which incidentally is a woman in some cases, and all the people in your example don't really have their own. Or your surname is your surname, in which case both the woman and man here have their own equally.

I'm male, and DD has my surname, and I actually agree with you OP.

DD wasn't exactly planned, she turned up unannounced 12 months into mine and DPs relationship (literally, we didn't know DP was pregnant until she went into labour). As a result we were still in a fairly casual relationship. We weren't living together, probably only saw each other 3-4 nights a week. Naming our kids certainly hadn't entered the discussion at that point, in fact, neither of us particularly wanted children.

We took weeks to find a first and middle name we could agree on, and then the night before we registered DD we suddenly realised we hadn't talked about her surname. I'd assumed it would be DPs, after all we weren't married. DP on the other hand was more traditional and wanted it to be mine. I didn't argue against it because of two reasons.

First - While we weren't married (and neither of us particularly wanted marriage), I figured we probably would be at some point, if the relationship went well.

Second, DD's name would have sounded bloody stupid with DPs surname. It sounded like a superheroes girlfriend. Think Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Pepper Potts.

We should have double barrelled, but in the chaos of those first few weeks, it just didn't even cross my mind.

18 years on, and I wish we'd done things differently. I underestimated DP's aversion to marriage, so we're still not married now, so she still has a different surname to me and DD.

DD is a lot like me, she looks like me, she has a similar personality and interests to me. I can see all the ways she's like DP as well, but other people often don't, and more than one person has assumed DP is her Step-mum, including class teachers. It doesn't come up much, but I know DP sometimes feels a little disconnected from her, and I think a shared surname would help with that.

Personally, I think double barrelling should be the default when parents don't share a surname, or if not, then it should be the woman's surname. While it shouldn't be the case, on average the mother still generally does the majority of the parenting, and is still generally the default parent if the couple split up., so it just makes more sense for mother and child to share a surname.

Also, this!

I married over 30 years ago and all kids got husband's name .I also took his name it was the done thing to have your father's name if married. I can't see the problem to be honest if I had divorced young I would have just kept the name .it goes back to feudal system when you could only claim as a legitimate are ..my children and grandchildren are proudly there fathers and therefore there grandfather's name .

I am perfectly happy with my name so feel no need to change it. It amazes me that women still do this. When kids came along their enlightened dad suggest they took my name. I carried and birthed them. No hassle, no fuss, couple of raised eyebrows that were swiftly ignored.

Well my last name is my dad's. He's been to prison for DV, manslaughter and between him and my narcissistic mum I'm extremely traumatized. I'm not with my kids dad now but forever glad I chose his name over mine.

I hate my dad's last name but I also hate my mum's so I'm fucked for options. But that's just my own personal experiences thankfully not everyone has had my life 🤣. Maybe I need to pick a random last name and run with it haha. It should be normalised to have the mother's name though and not just be expected that they get the dad's name.

My husband and I gave our daughter my surname because his parents were abusive so he didn't want to carry on their names. However if that wasn't the case our daughters surname would have been Mums name-Dads name and I think that's the way it should be unless abuse is involved.

Well it’s your name, not your dads. But there’s also nothing stopping you changing your name, I changed my whole name (not just my surname) in my very early twenties. People pretend this is a faff, its just as easy as changing your name on marriage, you just post the deedpoll to everyone, rather than the marriage certificate.

Proudly? Why?

Not many good things for women about the feudal system…quick search results below, would you be proud to continue these traditions from the feudal system too?

limited legal rights, dependent on male guardians, unable to own or control property, economically dependent despite doing essential labour, little bodily or personal autonomy, very limited social mobility, vulnerable to exploitation and violence, carried heavy workloads in both domestic and agricultural labour, limited educational opportunities, excluded from most religious authority, child birth was dangerous and expected frequently, social norms required women to be obedient, silent, and submissive.

I despair!

Wow, I am in ireland so must not be as common here, genuinely shocked at that statistic

To some women hence why they double barrel the surname etc. What i am saying is that the idea of just making up a surname is not desirable to many because they think your name shoild reflect your lineage

But it is very unusual even nowadays for women to keep their names. So it’s obviously considered more important for men to protect their lineage….

Mother's baby, Daddy's maybe?