Party dilemma- how to word this?

[Ahfiddlesticks]

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

Nice gestures are great if occasionally or mutually provided but there is also taking the P so no i would not suggest the OP pay for an uber

But the op has not once booked an Uber for the girl Polly, not once

The OP does not have too

@CalmShaker You keep pushing the idea of an uber but would you put a 7 year old on their own in a car for a solo round trip? That seems very unwise and unsafe for an already vulnerable child.

I would just invite her and if/when asked about the possibility of the lift I would explain that you wouldn’t have a space and mention the direct bus there.
Howeber I think @HouseWithASeaView is right : friends from the new school might pick up on the issue of the smell and might make upsetting comments, refuse to do activities together etc. 7 y.o do notice these things but not famous for being tactful.,
So I wonder if it’s a good idea at all to invite this friend under the circumstances. Would you be able to give her a lift another time? If yes, maybe doing something just the two of them is better.

I think this post has been derailed by the SA allegation. At the end of the day OP seems to have more experience of the appropriate actions to take than most PPs here through her line of work.

in terms of the actual cause of the thread - OP I can understand you being frustrated by the situation and think all your feelings are valid - however, I still can’t help but feel sorry for the 7yo and the fact she won’t be able to go to your daughters party through no fault of her own. I think in this girls instance her community and friends, and the kindness they give her, will make a huge difference to her life outcomes. Whilst I understand her outcome is not your responsibility, I do think as a society we have all turned a bit insular and I think that’s really sad.

I remember there was a girl in my school year who was in a foster home and had similar hygiene issues - and some would tease her for it. I always made a huge effort to make her feel included and my mum encouraged and facilitated this. Now as an adult I feel very proud of my mum for instilling this in me and I hope I can do the same for my children. I’m glad I don’t have to look back and feel shame of mine or my parents actions.

At the very least I wouldn’t not invite her as you find it too awkward 😢 there are so many posts on here from parents regarding bereft children not invited to friends parties and not understanding why. Why add to her trauma?

Having a “kinder approach” to life isn’t always the most beneficial or practical for some circumstances.

If you feel kind enough, why don’t you PM the OP and offer to give a lift to the child or even sort an uber out for the child.

Let me know how it goes.

Easy to "be kind" with other people's time and money

Booking an uber for a 7 year old is a bit odd. The op has gone out of her way to give lifts previously but this time it’s not possible but that doesn’t make it her job to sort an alternative

Because OPs daughter wants her friend there, and it sounds like the friend's parents are unable/unwilling/uninterested/whatever.

Agree it's not OPs responsibility and very much a 'them' problem for the friend's parents. But now the friend (who by the sound of things isn't having an ideal upbringing) misses out through no fault of their own, and OPs daughter doesn't get to celebrate with her pal.

Without knowing why social services are involved or what the family situation is (it could just be that the parents are useless/lazy or it could be much worse) I think I'd be looking into ways to make it happen if it was what my kid wanted on their birthday.

I wouldn't invite her, and don't tell her there even is a party. To spare her feelings. The rest of the kids know each other and not her so she is already an outsider. And then she arrives, stinking...This is not a nice situation to put your DD or her friend. The other kids probably won't be kind and your DD will be in the middle.

Is asking for a lift once a year taking the piss? None of us know why the friend's parents can't take her themselves - it could be a perfectly legitimate reason (or not!).

EDIT - Having read more of the OPs replies it seems we do know that it's more likely a case of parents not being bothered, and that there's potentially more serious stuff going on in the background. Apologies.

For the people saying it's weird to put a 7 year old in an Uber - Surely the arrangement would be that the kid's Mum/Dad came too?

OP - I know you said you'd feel uncomfortable asking another parent to offer a lift, but surely one of them would be kind enough to consider given the child's circumstances? It does sort of feel like you're embarrassed about people at the new school knowing that your daughter associates with a 'troubled' child.

I think I would go as others have suggested and not invite her. It sounds like it might be awkward for her if she only knows your daughter and it might be not so much fun for your daughter if age needs to spend time integrating her with her new school friends.

I think a separate play date is a better option.

Poor child. Report to social services, she needs intervention.

Don't invite her.

Just don't include her OP.

It is very sad that the girl has a terrible homelife, but I wouldn't be disrupting my own dd's party because of it. The smelling and signs of SA would be enough for me to not want her around. I would however, report - as you have done.

All the be kinders on here are clueless. The suggestions of Ubers, sleepovers with baths or swimming etc will not remotely help this child.

While some of the suggestions aren’t realistic and appropriate, I’d rather be clueless, than like you, any day. What an awful attitude about a vulnerable child - I wouldn’t want her around.

To be honest, having to ask the internet on how to compose a message saying I’d love her to come but can’t do a lift, or not invite her at all, is pathetic. How can an adult not compose that message themselves - they need to ask mumsnet. Also, the euphemism of the century was used. Not so great home life. Not so great means money is tight, dad has left. Not that she’s neglected to the point you can smell her and abused. That’s horrific and heartbreaking and deeming it any less is cold.

You know absolutely nothing about me. I would guess I am far far more charitable and involved than you are.

It is so easy to be a saviour as an anonymous poster on the internet.

My attitude isn't awful, just because I am not chatting shit about round trips to get this girl.. I am a realist and accept that there are some terrible homelives for far too many kids out there. I am not responsible for it though, so when it comes to my own children, and their well-being, I won't risk upsetting their birthday by inviting a troubled child - who won't even know this party is going on.

However, @CareerChange24 as suggested by pp's, you can always contact the OP and offer to pay for the appropriate transportation to assist this young girl and her family.

I'd send her an invite. If through mum messagee asking for an invite, I'd explain that, "I'm sorry but I've recently changed cars to a smaller one, so there is no spare seat. We will save her a party bag and piece of cake."

Or the parent could, if they wanted to. I don’t think it’s mean at all

Are you dim? Where did I suggest transportation? That’s not my suggestion. My suggestion is construct an answer for yourself. It’s easy. Invite and say no lift. Or don’t invite. Don’t post on the internet despicable details about an extremely vulnerable child’s homelife. It’s almost gossipy. If this site was ever to be hacked and names leaked, or someone who knew you in real life could figure out it was you, if you post a lot easily done, then you are posting revealing details about someone. Think more

Poor kid. I really feel for her. Aside from the party this is really serious.
@Ahfiddlesticks

If she smells that is neglect. Neglect is abuse and you need to report it.

Report to the DSL at her school. Or contact the NSPCC or pr phone 101.

Whatever the outcome of the party issues, there are more important things here. You need to help protect this vulnerable child.

Safe guarding is everyone’s responsibility.

@Ahfiddlesticks apologies - you have already reported it. I should add that each time you see her you should report it.

You do know that MN and other internet parenting forums are designed so people can ask others how they might handle a situation themselves, no matter how obvious the answer might appear? If that concept is so ridiculous to you, why are you on MN answering people?

Clearly my main point was lost on you. It was revealing the SA details which I find inappropriate mainly. Also, these could be false allegations and she is putting them on the internet like they are factual. The internet has skewed your mind if you don’t see why that’s problematic