Party dilemma- how to word this?

[Ahfiddlesticks]

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

What a stupid thing to say. Well intentioned but just idiotic. This isn't Hollywood

How come your car is full? Full of family
members coming to the party, or are you giving lifts to other kids??

“Firstly, you probably wouldn’t even realise” is a little patronising. Not only social workers can spot abuse. Clearly if a child comes from such a neglectful home that she smells, I would assume all the horrors that are linked to abuse and neglect. They all tend to go hand in hand.

I don’t think you should have mentioned these details about a child’s terrible life on the internet as it’s overstepping and also who cares about a child’s party now you’ve declared what you have.

OP is a social worker. She knows how the system works.

What do you think calling every day is going to do except for them to tell OP the same thing as they did the day before and the day before that? Not to mention potentially risk her career because ultimately, it isn't OP's case and it isn't any of her business. They are not going to share information with her no matter how many times she rings.

Asking a child about someone who has or is SA her is also a terrible idea.

I've absolutely no idea who it is/was.

Asking the child for details is the number 1 no no they teach on any safeguarding course - you let the child talk but you don't ask probing questions, you leave that to professionals (and I'm not her professional). Asking questions can get important information muddled in the child's mind. Can cause uncertainty, apprehension and prevent further disclosure and most importantly, prevent the abuse being stopped.

If you rang the police or visited the same station every day you'd get a warning from the police, you wouldn't get info on the perpetrator or details on the case.

If I did it, I'd lose my job, it's harassment of professionals and we take a very dim view of it. It's a waste of time and resources.

I'm not entitled to the information. I'm entitled to report it, to be advised they are investigating it. That is all.

I would send the child an invitation just like in other years and also add that you can not pick up nor drop off. Include accurate details of the public transport to and fro.

Could one option be to contact Social Services - including a copy of the invitation and an extra note stating fact that DC smells and could do with some discreet help getting to the party. SS needs to assist with long term hygiene.

I feel so sorry for that little girl.
Would there be guests using the same public transport route who could travel with DC and her parent?

Could you offer to run the girl home? That would give incentive for her parents to use the public transport to take her to the party.

Im not sure who 'we' is, but I take a dim view of known cases of child abuse being let to run on because of box ticking 'investigations' - we have all read about Baby P, the little boy who starved to death when his Dad had a heart attack and he couldnt reach the fridge; and countless other heartbreaking stories where social services missed key opportunities to intervene. I dont envy the job of a social worker and it seems like nowadays there is so much red tape, but surely if things are going to improve then the push for change needs to come from within.

As @careerchange24 says, it feels like whether or not the girl attends the birthday party is the least of the problems right now.

Ask another adult driving there to take your daughter and you collect the friend.
That way everyone gets to enjoy the party.

Its certainly not Ops responsibility to get the child to the party or to be trying to get her own DD a lift so she can take the other girl, or do anything wild like pay for Ubars I wouldnt be happy with any child getting an ubar alone.

Op you need to think about your own DD she needs to bond with her new friendship group.
I think it could be awkward for DD to be in the middle of new friends and old friend. A bit sort of them and us. Its hard enough for adults to manage that, without being just 7 and a potentially smelly friend 😬. Or for one of the other girls to say something to make it even more awkward.

They are in different schools so its not like she is going to hear about the party on the grapevine

Good points.

The OP’s daughter needs this time to focus on guests from her new school.

I'm curious as to why you've posted about this @Ahfiddlesticks. You clearly had no intention of changing anything on your side to help this girl come to the party knowing full well that if you don't provide a lift she won't be able to get there. So did you just want a way to say it? Surely you could have figured that out on your own - your daughter's invited but I can't take her. Done.

Were you looking for ways to soften the blow for her so you could feel better? That someone would come up with a magical phrase that would make her feel less left out - or inspire the mum to get the bus despite the evidence she won't?

And why include the stuff about her smelling and ss being involved? To justify it?

What??
Why does anyone post anything?

The OP has a dilemma and wanted to talk it out. Stop ascribing nefarious motivation to her.

Going by this I presume there is some issues being projected?

OP just say the invitiation is for the named child

Maybe you could ask if another parent could take them. If they have a child going to the birthday and it's not too much out of their way

I know exactly what you mean Yonnoy because I suggested an Uber on page 1 and got absolutely slated.

Why would the op pay for an uber? Or even arrange one wouldn't they have enough to do with organising a party?

It's everso quick to do Polly, doesn't take long to arrange in the app

So why doesnt the other parent do it then why is it on the OP to arrange if it is so easy?

There must be someone else who could give a lift?

They are going through bit of a rough patch from what I understand Polly, what with it being Christmas I thought it would be a nice gesture

This doesn’t surprise me, unfortunately. I work with similar families and the entitlement runs deep. Poor kid.

If the OP arranges and pays for an uber for this child the parents may then start to try and take advantage of the OP.

They may start to expect favours, money etc.

None of us know what kind of “rough patch” this family is going through. It may be abuse, neglect, anything.

Obviously it’s sad for the child if they don’t get to attend the party but it’s not the OP’s problem to sort out and pay for other people’s transport.

@CalmShakerI think the OP has said it would cost £50 in an uber. That is a lot of money to pay out, especially at Christmas, when there is a perfectly reasonable alternative available to the parent.

You sound a bit heartless OP to be honest.. I get what you are saying but you don’t seem very bothered. I feel so sad for the girl. It may not be your responsibility but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be kind.

That's fair enough Tomatoes and you might be right and I respect that. Me and fellow member @Yonnoy have a more kinder approach to life and think differently and hopefully you can respect that too