Party dilemma- how to word this?

[Ahfiddlesticks]

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

Assuming wherever op lives even has uber, which isn't a given, you could be talking more than the cost of the whole party, if its just a small cinema type, to pick one girl up and drop her back. Not to mention lots of parents wouldn't be happy with a 7 year old travelling alone with a complete random, barely licensed driver.

It's easy to be generous with other people's money

@CalmShaker @ZaraCC @WildLeader message the OP and offer your help. Who knows maybe one of you is close enough to act as a chauffeur for the little girl. Go above and beyond, make the extra effort like you said you would!

That makes no sense considering OP usually does take her to DD's parties, she just can't this time.

If you normally do playdates with the little girl, I’d invite her to the party just like everyone else. If the mum asks for a ride say you can’t this time, but the bus stops nearby. If she isn’t able to come to the party because her mother can’t/won’t take her then offer a playdate instead with perhaps some cake to celebrate.
It sounds like you’re doing a lot to support this little girl already, but it’s ok to prioritise your own family and wants/needs sometime.

This sounds like a good idea. Maybe they could have a little 'pamper session' the night before so (and I hate saying this) she might be less 'smelly' as you put it.

And I absolutely get that getting her there isn't your responsibility. But it might be a kind thing to do, it's not the child's fault that their parents cannot/do not prioritise her it sounds like. My daughter has a friend who struggles to get to events - single mum who doesn't drive and we live quite rurally and taxis are out of her budget. So I do give her lifts, as I appreciate the privilege my girls have with 2 engaged, financially stable parents and if I can do a small thing to help another child then why wouldn't I. When younger this meant DH and I both driving due to car seats and space meant couldn't get mine and hers into my car.

Because it isn't the child's fault . . .?

Why don't you send money across to OP for the Uber?

Surely you can push and push for this to be looked into though? I couldn’t sleep at night knowing a little girl I knew was being subjected to this. You seem quite detached like you’ve done your part, and now no more. There needs to be more. Bang the doors until heard

Well, I won't - that might be because it's not my child who wants the other child at her party 🤔

But at some point OP needs to draw the line. She has already facilitated so much for this child - why is it not okay for her to put her DD’s birthday plans first for once?

Sometimes a child can't get what they want because it simply isn't practical and this is one of those times.

Ubers are expensive and even if OP was happy to pay (both ways) for one, they likely wouldn't accept a lone 7 year old anyway. Even if they did, if I was OP and knowing that the child already has an abusive home life and is incredibly vulnerable, is putting her in a car with likely a male driver a good idea? Probably not.

But I don't know action isn't being taken! It's not something I would be informed of. If I have new information, I pass it on.

The whole thing is just a bit odd.

In what way?

its not odd at all its just you are unfamiliar with this kind of situation

They haven’t…

That's a good one. It gives the mother some options.

If your daughter is at a new school and all the other invitees are from there, I wouldn't invite her. It sounds like it will be difficult for her to spontaneously join in the gang if her personal hygeine is poor and your daughter will feel conflicted between looking after her and enjoying herself with her new friends Do something separate just with her.

Quite apart from the cost, who would be able to accompany the child? I don't think that Uber would allow a lone child - and even if they did, surely that wouldn't be safe?

I agree with all this.

Some years ago, I had a pupil who refused to wash as a defence mechanism to abuse. Other children refused to sit next to her.

All the appropriate authorities knew about this, but she was still in the family home. There wasn't a damned thing that the school could do about it, apart from trying to make school life as accommodating as possble.

It's also possible that this friend is no longer experiencing SA, or that SA occurred outside the home or by someone no longer in the home. The perpetrator could now be in prison, I don't know and it's not my place to know.

I do know that the neglect continues, but I don't know what support is in place for that and unless I ask the mum (and she tells me) I won't know. I also don't know if the neglect has improved from where it was.

Im not a social worker so maybe you need to detach yourself to get through the day but if one of my child's school friends was being sexually abused. Id be making it my business to no whether the abuser was or wasnt living with them, in prison etc and id be going out of my way to get the child to safety.

“Really sorry, we can’t take x this time as there’s no room in the car”. Easy, don’t know what the problem is.

Firstly, you probably wouldn't even realize the child was being SAd. Secondly: How? Please tell me.

Also, please tell me how you'd do it without placing the child at increased risk and without impacting a potentially ongoing police investigation?

Obviously if i was aware. I have no idea as iv only just read this thread but id be calling social services every day and the police or going into the station. In terms of finding out if the abuser is in the home, your messages suggest you have an idea of who it was/is - I would ask the child where x is - or a neighbour - or another friend. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night knowing my child's friend was being abused. Id be going out of my way to help a 7 year old who i was aware was in danger.