AIBU??? WhatsApp chat drama!

[PuffPastry84]

Right, apologies in advance because this is going to be long but I need some perspective because my head is spinning and I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive. With school tomorrow I can't even begin to describe how nervous I feel.

DS is in year 3 and I get on fine with most of the mums. In our playground we have the four mums who are always front and centre of organising things. The leader of them is a nice enough lady but she does have a mean streak in her which occasionally comes out.

Last week there was a Mum's Night Out planned for the Friday night. It was meant to be tapas followed by drinks. It had been mentioned in the playground that week but I wasn't really interested. Nothing came of it on the class group chat, so I assumed it was just an idea in passing. However it happened but it seems only a select chosen few went. It's not my business and adults can choose who to socialise with, but if anything it would have been the four main mums but it turned out to be a group of 12. So, it was hardly an intimate gathering amongst friends. The morning after the night out I went into the group chat to double-check something, and I saw a load of messages saying "hope everyone got home okay last night!" and loads of photos of those who went. I put a comment saying "looks like a great night!" but then my friend (whose DS is in the same class as mine) says "nice that you included everyone". That message got ignored but apparently at football practice this morning two of the dads were laughing about "group chat soap operas" which means that the situation has escalated somewhat.

Has anyone else had a situation like this? I'm dreading the playground tomorrow because obviously my friend has made that comment which has started all of this.

Oh nooooooo. Definitely don’t do that. This is a non-event where you’ve done nothing and this would be turning it into WW3 and making you look bad in front of the group AND your friend. 🤦‍♀️

Get a life.

You’re majorly overthinking this. Majorly.

It sounds like you don’t even like these women?

By y3 though you know who will be interested and who won't. I go on the mums nights out, we used to invite everyone but it's the same ones who come, fine, so we have a side chat. We usually meet at someone's house first now so just invite the ones we know well and consider friends. It isn't a secret we go out but we dont post photos in the class chat, we know most people wouldn't want spamming or be interested, photos etc go in our separate chat. There's no drama in any of this or what you describe here, you didn't even make the comment so I don't understand what you are worried about?

Kindly OP these women don't care about you, you aren't really on their radar. If you sell your friend out for people like this you will be a very lonely woman.

Me too. Who are they partnered with. We need names, of all of the 12 women and your friend. A chart would be nice.

If I were you I’d comment on the chat “I’m a free agent, I can even be a double agent if you’d like me to be”.

I think realistically you can’t moan about not going to an event that you said you weren’t bothered about. If it was mentioned in the playground and 12 people went out because of that then good for them. Someone’s got to be the organiser or nothing happens!
I’m sure there will be no drama. X

Oh my dear God, don’t do this!! You’ll look simultaneously backstabbing, neurotic and needy - which is quite a feat!

And most definitely on their radar!

But they count on the people they've previously excluded to be so desperate to be included that they'll be desperate to come to the end of year picnics or whatever 🤦‍♀️

Don't go to the end of year stuff, big parties ect. They literally only invite you and the other excluded people to these bigger events to fill numbers 🤦‍♀️

Honestly, I don't know why people get drawn into these silly playground mum drama's.

These women are not your friends, clearly. Your just a filler for them. Move on and make proper friends

I understand. Your friend’s message immediately after yours could make your comment look sarcastic/passive aggressive.

It’s terrible behaviour to put an invite on the main group, then create a private group for ‘the chosen ones’. I’m sure your friend felt hurt- most normal people would, accept those on mumsnet it appears.

I would concentrate on their shitty behaviour. Swan on to the playground as usual and smile, hoping they’re squirming inside for their ‘mean girl’ act. I’d say your pictures looked lovely, was the restaurant nice etc.

I wouldn’t worry about your child not being invited to parties, they will. Often these type of people are about numbers and if you continue as normal, they will too!

Playground politics are awful to navigate. It’s also ok to be upset by people’s shitty behaviour towards you/your friend- regardless if it happens on the playground, the office or in a friendship group.

They don't have to include everyone, but shouldn't be talking about it in a group with everyone in it. Not everyone gets along with everyone, was it meant to be specifically for the entire group? If one or two people in particular are being excluded for no good reason, then that is mean. If I were your friend I'd just play what she said off as jokey sarcasm, and do a laughy face then say, "bit awkward to talk about something that specific people didn't get an invite to, in the group chat". From the other side of things, if people have repeatedly been invited to things and refused, maybe they stopped asking and assumed it would be another no.

This is on your friend. Good on her for calling it out. But it is going to create drama. Although the dads could have been speaking about something else.

Stop commenting on the GC and seeing the parents socially. This is going to end up a total mess in time. The 12 ‘chosen ones’ will be 6 next week to keep them all in line, and desperate for inclusion. Run a mile from this dynamic op. It’s already toxic.

Be polite, cheerful and distant, and stay that way.

Seriously @PuffPastry84 back off, this is a non event.
Are you normally so anxious?

Are they the mafia?

Yes, and I don't blame OPs friend for calling them out on it! They obviously had a separate chat group, why not post all their pics of the night out on that one?

@PuffPastry84 infiltrate the clique and include everyone in everything. Sorted

Should always ask everyone. Maybe those who didn't seem interested now would be. circumstances change after all.

You didn't say it. If anyone comments, look blank. You made a nice positive comment. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I suppose other mums would have been interested and didnt get an invite.

Ithink if you put things on the main gorup chat you invite everyone, and if not, make a small group for the people who are invited and post there.

It's not really drama, but it's clicky and unpleasant.

But there was no invite in the main group- but the photos ended up on the main group after the fact. The invite happened to a few mums who happened to be at the right place and time.
Some mums may not have been aware not everyone was invited-so not sure why swanning with duplicitous smiles owuld achieve anything lol.

Also, making an invite for everyone and then creating a provate group for the people who want to take part is perfectly normal, no clue why you think it's terrible behaviour? Should people be spamming the main chat with intel half the group is not taking part in?

YOU just act totally normal and if you want to chat ask them again if they had a good night! It’s your friend who made the snarky comment not you!

When my youngest DC was at a small private country primary he had the worst clique of mums in his class I have ever encountered. It was so bad that the parents left in droves. Once one of the parents organised an A list party with a lovely activity, and a B list party where the other DC went to their house and watched a movie on the telly. Mine was in the movie one of course.

It really bothered the other mums but it just pissed me off mildly because I did not rely on these other mums (all SAHMs, me too) who have nothing better to do than create a hierarchy and pecking order for their own benefit at the school.

In the end I had a couple of friends from school like me who I'd meet for coffee and that was that. I dropped off and left, I picked up and didn't make eye contact with any of them. I also cultivated extra curricular activities away from the school and made other friends which is really healthy.

These little cliques look intimidating, and cause anxiety but in reality they all dislike each other really and I have seen loads of them crying in their cars because someone in the clique has made a side remark to them.

Avoid!

My goodness. You aren't much of a friend to her are you?
Especially when she had every right to call them out.
When I read threads like this I really worry for the children when their mother's behave in such petty infantile ways

Ooohh now this sounds like an interesting story. can you tell us more?? I got 🍿

@PuffPastry84 sorry - this is kinda standard shitty behaviour of the “if your face fits” crew. Usually found at every school. They’ll be quite bitchy and judgemental, stand in a big group usually congregate around the ringleaders, their kids will get picked for everything because they brown nose the teachers but will also kick off royally if their kid isn’t favoured, the kids will do lots of extra curricular activities that the teachers make a fuss off but take no interest in anything any other child has done, and they force their kids to be “bffs forever”

just ignore them.