AIBU??? WhatsApp chat drama!

[PuffPastry84]

Right, apologies in advance because this is going to be long but I need some perspective because my head is spinning and I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive. With school tomorrow I can't even begin to describe how nervous I feel.

DS is in year 3 and I get on fine with most of the mums. In our playground we have the four mums who are always front and centre of organising things. The leader of them is a nice enough lady but she does have a mean streak in her which occasionally comes out.

Last week there was a Mum's Night Out planned for the Friday night. It was meant to be tapas followed by drinks. It had been mentioned in the playground that week but I wasn't really interested. Nothing came of it on the class group chat, so I assumed it was just an idea in passing. However it happened but it seems only a select chosen few went. It's not my business and adults can choose who to socialise with, but if anything it would have been the four main mums but it turned out to be a group of 12. So, it was hardly an intimate gathering amongst friends. The morning after the night out I went into the group chat to double-check something, and I saw a load of messages saying "hope everyone got home okay last night!" and loads of photos of those who went. I put a comment saying "looks like a great night!" but then my friend (whose DS is in the same class as mine) says "nice that you included everyone". That message got ignored but apparently at football practice this morning two of the dads were laughing about "group chat soap operas" which means that the situation has escalated somewhat.

Has anyone else had a situation like this? I'm dreading the playground tomorrow because obviously my friend has made that comment which has started all of this.

I’m 100% team friend on this one. That group of mums went to some effort to organise a covert social, and in the process excluded a number of other class mums, but then went public with it after the event on the general group-chat just to rub everyone’s nose in it (those that were not invited I mean). Just plain nasty.

Basically your friend is saying she’s not a mug. That’s quite admirable really.

You on the other hand - judging by your subsequent updates - are acting like a wet towel (I’m not saying you are one, just that you’re acting like one). Show some backbone. I get that you fear social Siberia or whatever, but you’re giving these women a level of power and control they absolutely do not merit.

As others have pointed out, they cannot exclude any pupils from the Leavers party. That party is for the entire year group. And if they even try to play silly beggars with the invite list, go straight to the head and the board of governors (of course they’ll be delighted to arbitrate that one 🙄). You seem to think these women omnipotent. They’re not. They’re simply inadequate and trying to overcompensate.

Oh my god yes please do this! It will definitely resolve everything. I think they’ll all really appreciate your input as a parent of a child in the same class as their children telling them that they have your permission to do as they please. It’ll really put their mind at ease because they’ve probably been worrying whether you’ll allow them to live their own lives.

it’ll be nice for them to know that you’re supporting them.

Personally I think you should support your friend rather than being a wuss. They were wrong to do what they did. There's nothing worse than standing up for yourself and having friends/family telling you to keep quiet to keep the peace.

God knows why your friend would want to be friends with these idiots though.

I believe @JustSawJohnny means the friend should rethink spending time with OP, but agree it wasn't at all clear.

This isn’t game of thrones. You can chill out.

Just crack on like nothing has happened - because nothing has!

Drop your kid off, smile, wave and be on your way. In the incredibly unlikely scenario that they directly bring up your friend's message to you, just say "Yeah - it sounded like she wanted to go."

If you let this swirl around in your head (or worse still, send weird WhatsApps about it), you might come across as upset or defensive tomorrow, so try to keep telling yourself the bald facts: a few people went out, you weren't interested, you sent an inoffensive message, your friend sent a passive aggressive one, nothing bad has happened.

Don't get drawn into drama or make drama where there isn't any. My mother did this via a "Frenemy" relationship shot though with competitiveness and passive aggression, and I ended up getting bullied for it. Don't go there.

I can’t believe adults like this exist. Does no one have their own friends before having kids? I honestly can’t think of many things more humiliating than trying to “get in with” or appease a playground clique. Considering throwing your friend under the bus to impress some overgrown high school mean girls is a bit pathetic. Perhaps consider the example you want to be when your kids are having friendship issues in year 6, rather than what events and parties they will be invited to.

What makes a mum a “main mum”?

Please don’t be such a doormat

Stay away from other people's drama. Nobody will thank you for getting involved and if it escalates you'll be caught up on the wrong side.

I get it because I sometimes get incredibly anxious over minor social situations I've had little to do with... but being removed from this, I can tell you that this is just that!

Try to distract yourself and forget about it. Don't message or say anything else to anyone because you'll likely end up feeling even more worried about whatever else you say

It’s a nothing situation, nobody is likely to even notice or mention it, I hear dads’ small talk chatter at weekend football and it’s mainly trying to think of something to say.

I think I probably sensed a bit of that.

I'm in the Nothing Happened camp, I'm afraid. I read the OP's issue a couple of times, still don't really get it.

This.

No, that'll just make it worse.
You made a comment which was fine.
Your friend raised a valid point.
No need to suck up to the Queen bees. Go to something they're organising if you want to. Don't go if you don't want to.
But if they're excluding people, they need to be pulled up on it.

Do or say nothing. The die is cast now. Your friend has ruffled feathers and the others will either lump you in with her or they won't.
If you go fawning round them going "it wasn't me it was her so please still like me.." you're going to lose your actual friend and the rest of them are going to think you're a bit wet and desperate for approval.
The fastest way to bring an end to these things is to do absolutely nothing to fuel the fire.
Turn up, be your usual self and don't get involved.
The people who survive these social minefields best are the ones that stay smiling on the periphery and don't draw attention to themselves.

Stop worrying. You didn’t write the comment and you weren’t interested in going. No big deal.

The other mums shouldn't have posted comments/photos about a night out that not everyone was invited to. I would give the benefit of the doubt that it was a genuine mistake. I imagine one parent posted to the wrong chat after a few drinks, and others got the notification and replied without checking which chat.

In an ideal world, your friend would have called them out in a more constructive way, eg. "It's great that you had a nice night out, but posting photos makes those of us who weren't invited feel excluded, even if it was an oversight. Can we please keep this chat to things that concern the whole group going forward."

But I do understand why, in the moment, she didn't say that. Unfortunately, once people start being sarcastic on Whatsapp, they're furthering the (very little in this case) drama, and other parents sometimes find it easier to just avoid them.

Also, why aren't the dads on this chat? All the class chats on our school Whatsapp have all parents/carers.

Don’t suck up to these cliquey mums. Organise your own leavers party for your son and the others who don’t make the cut.

Not surprised they didn't include her if she has form for being snide.

Your ex friend to be clear, since you are a
bitch if you set out to chuck her under the bus for being human, feeling left out, and brave enough to say it. You’re no friend to her if you do this.

if that happened the school should be stepping in. Any leavers event that doesn’t invite all the year level should be cancelled and parents told not to be petty dicks.

Don’t do this, you will look like an utter nutcase.

At the moment you only look like a nutcase to us, fellow strangers on the internet, for being such a drama queen about a total non event. Take that as a win and don’t reveal the batshittery to the people you know in real life!

You didn’t say it. You’re making a massive drama over absolutely nothing.

Is your thinking always this catastrophic?