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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to expect ex to shower DC after swimming?

136 replies

Sprogonthetyne · 23/11/2025 18:29

Before I raise it with him, just checking if this falls into 'different parenting' or if it's a resonable objection. He sees the kids two Sundays a month and quite often takes them swimming, the children enjoy it, so all good there. However I'm getting increasingly annoyed that DS is coming back smelling of chlorine, which means I need to fit baths into the already quiet rushed tea, homework, bed routine after they get back.

If I take them swimming I always take shampoo and shower the kids as soon as they get out, so to me it's just part and parcel of taking kids swimming. I'd never leave chlorine on myself, as I don't want dry skin or damaged hair, so it wouldn't occur to me not to do the same for the kids. However he doesn't seem to see it a necessary.

I have raised this before, but with enthuses on DD, who has long, curly, tangle prone hair, so the previous conversation focused on how tangled he her was getting from been left to dry with chlorine in it, and that it wasn't fair to her to not wash and brush it after swimming. I thought this would be enough to prompt him to just put shampoo in the swim bag, but instead he has started taking them back to his flat and washing DD's hair there (well I expect his mum does it), but still just leaving DS unwashed.

Is this worth raising again? It feels like I'm picking fault but at the same time it's really basic parenting that he should be able to do.

OP posts:
Wildchild60s · 23/11/2025 18:31

How old are the children?

CakeIsNotAvailable · 23/11/2025 18:31

I think this is a parenting difference rather than a safeguarding issue. By all means raise it politely, but I wouldn't stop contact over it or let it escalate into a big argument.

SomeMoreSummer · 23/11/2025 18:32

I never wash my kids hair after swimming, lessons or family swim. The leisure centres here are all a bit gritty so we rinse off the chlorine quickly (no soap or shampoo). And then have a proper bath or shower at bedtime. I consider myself a good parent.

meeee13 · 23/11/2025 18:33

Different parenting.

I’d always shower after swimming but know a lot of parents will just rinse the kids off and leave it until the evening routine. Most schools don’t bother either.

WildLeader · 23/11/2025 18:33

Raise it! As a swimmer my first priority is to get that infernal chlorine off me

make sure she has chlorine removing shampoo

youre going to have to tell him that BOTH kids need showering after swimming asap as that stuff sticks and damages skin/hair.

Sprogonthetyne · 23/11/2025 18:34

Wildchild60s · 23/11/2025 18:31

How old are the children?

DS is 9, DD is 6
The 9yo would happily wash his own hair, but needs the shampoo to be provided and taken to the pool. The 6yo does need help with hair washing and brushing.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 23/11/2025 18:37

It’s gross not to shower after swimming - pools are pretty grim places !

WildLeader · 23/11/2025 18:38

SomeMoreSummer · 23/11/2025 18:32

I never wash my kids hair after swimming, lessons or family swim. The leisure centres here are all a bit gritty so we rinse off the chlorine quickly (no soap or shampoo). And then have a proper bath or shower at bedtime. I consider myself a good parent.

Chlorine bonds to the hair. It builds up unless removed. If you’re just rinsing, that’s not enough. You need clarifying shampoo, anti chlorine shampoo to remove the chemicals from the hair and the person. In the time it takes to “rinse” the kids, you could whack on some clarifying shampoo and it would do the job.

I used to use normal shampoo immediately after swimming and it built up so it was like straw, no amount of moisturiser or conditioner could get through it. It was crunchy

my hairdresser realised what was going on and recommended me a clarifying shampoo, changed everything the first week.

Tryingatleast · 23/11/2025 18:38

Different perspective here, everyone hogs the showers giving actual showers at swim time, once or twice the lifeguards have even come over to tell people they’re going to have to move on. Mine have a proper shower when they get home

Elektra1 · 23/11/2025 18:39

I never shower my child after swimming and always give her a bath and hair wash at home that evening instead. Partly this is because she doesn’t really like showers, but also, bathtime is part of her bedtime routine anyway

Hereforthecommentz · 23/11/2025 18:41

It is really busy after? Ours is like a cattle farm in the showers after swim lessons. I don't want to wait around whilst he's getting cold. My son also much prefers to have a bath, so he gets dressed and has a bath when he gets home. I don't think it's a big issue.

Helpwithdivorce · 23/11/2025 18:41

Mine shower at home afterwards because the pool showers are gross and I wouldn’t shower in them. I feel unclean just walking through them

Sprogonthetyne · 23/11/2025 18:41

SomeMoreSummer · 23/11/2025 18:32

I never wash my kids hair after swimming, lessons or family swim. The leisure centres here are all a bit gritty so we rinse off the chlorine quickly (no soap or shampoo). And then have a proper bath or shower at bedtime. I consider myself a good parent.

But your leaving it for yourself to deal with later. He's taking them swimming in the morning, leaving it all the day then sending them home without a word and leaving it up to me to smell test the kids or quizz them about what they did that day/ if they showed if they mention swimming.

OP posts:
crinklechips · 23/11/2025 18:42

Based on observation after swimming lessons the majority of children at our pool don’t use the showers. Mine do but as much as anything because they get chilly as soon as they hop out of the pool and like to go in and warm up!

Notsurewhatisnormalanymore · 23/11/2025 18:45

I just wouldn’t bother tbh it seems so small to me but the I did have to co-parent with a monster. Pick your battles I would say. If they’re still swimming in 6 mths (exes often get bored of routine with kids) suggest to kids they take a bottle of shampoo.

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 23/11/2025 18:56

We have a quick rinse off and have a proper shower when we get home.

It's a mixed changing village and the showers are open and visible from the pool. I feel uncomfortable having a proper wash in full view of everyone else!

Londonrach1 · 23/11/2025 18:58

Honestly I'd avoid the showers. Just dry and get home and have a shower at home. I wouldn't be upset with ex re this.

FuzzyWolf · 23/11/2025 19:00

I think it’s different parenting although I am on your side about doing it.

Your DS should be capable of showering and washing himself so I would ensure he has shampoo packed and the expectation to clean afterwards. Your DD should be able to wash her body afterwards by herself and then if her hair is washed later on, that seems fine to me.

Minnie798 · 23/11/2025 19:01

My dc always had a quick rinse in the showers after swimming but then a proper shower or bath, with hair wash at home.
Showers being used by multiple people as they got out of the pool never really felt 'clean' to me,
all those multiple, manky feet going through them. Maybe just me who thought that.
For twice a month I wouldn't bother mentioning it. I'd be more concerned about the low contact time with dad.

teaandtoastwouldbenice · 23/11/2025 19:02

I always washed mine at home after swimming. I don’t like the pool side showers, especially with long hair they are ineffective and washing with a costume on seems daft. The changing room floors are often grim so a proper wash at home required.

Sprogonthetyne · 23/11/2025 19:05

I wouldn't have a problem with him showering both children when he got them back to his place, it's the sending one back to me still chlorine-ney that I'm not keen on.

There have been times I haven't noticed until DS is already in bed and it's to late to start showering

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/11/2025 19:05

I can pass on a top tip, if they wet their hair in the shower before getting in the pool the hair absorbs less chlorine which helps.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 23/11/2025 19:07

No, the showers are rank at our local pool. They are bathed or showered every night anyway.

stargazer02 · 23/11/2025 19:07

So it's not they should wash at the pool, but back at his before or after his sister gets her shower? I think it's very reasonable to expect it.
But maybe try to get the homework down a different time than Sunday night too. Id hate to finish my weekend with homework!

RhaenysRocks · 23/11/2025 19:08

Fidgety31 · 23/11/2025 18:37

It’s gross not to shower after swimming - pools are pretty grim places !

You are swimming in bleach. It's not gross. OP really there will be much much bigger hills to die on than this.