Aibu to expect ex to shower DC after swimming?

[Sprogonthetyne]

Before I raise it with him, just checking if this falls into 'different parenting' or if it's a resonable objection. He sees the kids two Sundays a month and quite often takes them swimming, the children enjoy it, so all good there. However I'm getting increasingly annoyed that DS is coming back smelling of chlorine, which means I need to fit baths into the already quiet rushed tea, homework, bed routine after they get back.

If I take them swimming I always take shampoo and shower the kids as soon as they get out, so to me it's just part and parcel of taking kids swimming. I'd never leave chlorine on myself, as I don't want dry skin or damaged hair, so it wouldn't occur to me not to do the same for the kids. However he doesn't seem to see it a necessary.

I have raised this before, but with enthuses on DD, who has long, curly, tangle prone hair, so the previous conversation focused on how tangled he her was getting from been left to dry with chlorine in it, and that it wasn't fair to her to not wash and brush it after swimming. I thought this would be enough to prompt him to just put shampoo in the swim bag, but instead he has started taking them back to his flat and washing DD's hair there (well I expect his mum does it), but still just leaving DS unwashed.

Is this worth raising again? It feels like I'm picking fault but at the same time it's really basic parenting that he should be able to do.

Different parenting! I never really got the point of showering the children after swimming, and I only did it because I got guilted out by seeing that other parents did it.
Let DH do this his way.

Your DS at 9 is old enough to put shampoo and shower gel in his own swim bag, and your ex is dealing with Dd when they get home.

Mine don't wash after swimming regularly. They don't care and nor do I.

How about swim caps?

I’ve done loads of swimming in my time, sometimes twice a week, and never bothered with this malarkey, and my hair’s just fine.

At the pool would be my preference, but I recognised that's just my way andother people can do things differently.

Him doing it back at his home would be fine, it's the not doing it at all (or even telling me if it needs doing) that I don't like.

I think part of it might be more that I'm already doing 99% of the parenting, so get annoyed at anything that causes even more work for me.

If they're going swimming, Ex already has the swim bag in the car when he picks the kids up, then they go straight there. They don't go every time so should the 9yo just habitual walk round with shampoo in his pocket just in case his dad decides to take him swimming?

Sorry I would see this as differences in parenting and I would only be giving a quick rinse off after swimming (as showers are often busy and I wouldn't want my children undressing in front of everyone as our pool doesn't have individual showers). Normal routine is shower before bed so I would be doing it in the evening.
What time does he drop them back? Can he drop them back in PJ's ready for bed having had a wash?

It's no biggie op.
I'm glad the kids have a nice time swimming.
Pick your battles

Showers aren't part of out bedtime routine. Dc is autistic, won't sleep if wet hair but hates the noise of the hairdryer. Baths/showers need to be at least an hour preferably 2 hours before bed so he can dry naturally and be past the 'sensory different' feeling before trying to sleep. (Sorry that probably seems drip-feedy, it wasn't meant to be, I just forgot how 'normal' bath before bed is for others, so it didn't seem relivent).

They get in at 5, and we start bedtime at 7.30 (we have quite a long routine due to sleep difficulties)

Different parenting. There are bigger hills to die on. I found that my ex did none of the boring chores with DC so when they came back on Sunday evening I had to do baths and homework, sort out their school bags that hadn't been touched since friday, and feed them a decent meal because they'd existed on snacks all weekend. It would have been lovely (but sadly unrealistic) to have two clean, well fed children delivered back to me with homework all completed. Occasionally i would ask him to do certain things and he would but it just wasn't on his radar otherwise. But they were safe and happy and continue to have a lovely relationship with their dad so I just lowered my expectations and got on with it.

Don’t be daft - with all the chlorine in the water they’re probably more sanitised than your bathroom!

I think if you're friendly enough with the ex, I'd suggest he either:

• shoves a bottle of shampoo/shower gel in the swim bag & encourages ds to shower at the pool (tbh I'd just provide it - give a cheap bottle to ds & tell him to add it to the swim bag, & use it)
• gets ds to also shower at his place & get into pyjamas before bringing him home - could be a nice routine?

Point out that chlorine is bad for skin & hair, & ds doesn't do well with a shower directly before bed because of the sensory issues.

If you've got a Massive Dick Just For The Fun Of It ex (I did...after a bit it got quite entertaining), then I'd just change your Sunday evening routine. Showers all round BEFORE dinner, followed by a lovely chill evening routine already in pyjamas - all curl up & watch a show/play a game together?

We shower when we get home (pretty much straight away). Public showers are a bit grim and there is always a queue.

i would ask but I think this is a parenting difference not neglect. Why don’t they shower when they get back to his?

I think you right and lowering expectations is what is needed here. It's just frustrating when I'm doing to boring essentials every day, and he can't even mentain basic standards for a few hours.

Hes a complete lazy loser.
I wouldn't dream of leaving a child with chlorine on their skin all day.
Rinsing off is very basic.

We always shower the children - chlorine isn’t good for the skin. All the children in my son’s swim class shower by the pool with or without shampoo/shower gel.

I absolutely hate the faff of swimming changing, find the whole thing very unpleasant, and just want to get out asap. I wouldn't shower them at the pool, but our bedtime routine always included a bath anyway.

Does he take a bag with anything in it to his dad’s? Look, either you prep him or you accept your ex does things differently.

I should have said, I'd send them for a rinse on the way out of the pool but not a shampoo and proper wash.

This 1000%.....I no longer wear goggles so I cant see the bogeys and toe jam floating about. 😅

It’s the other bits that float around in pools that you have to wash off - not just the chlorine . I am a swimmer and have seen the detritus that is in there !

I try to avoid sending a bag. Partially because stuff didn't always come back, but also because I don't like the message it send to the kids, that only mum can meet needs and they're just visitors in dad's life.

Sometimes whichever toy they're playing with that morning will go, or I don't mind sending more expensive but infrequently used things (eg. If they're going to a party, I'll send a dress for DD). Their dad is expected to provide the day to day essentials needed for whatever he plans. I'd class shampoo as an essential

I'd class shampoo as an essential too, and it sounds like he does have it in his home if he sometimes washes DD's hair. If this is important to you, I'd suggesting getting a bottle of shampoo and asking him to keep it in the kids swimming bag so it's there when they need it.

This!

I never use the pool showers they are veruca central. I’ve literally caught one every time I’ve used them so I don’t now and use my crocs religiously from the changing room to the pool lol