Aibu to expect ex to shower DC after swimming?

[Sprogonthetyne]

Before I raise it with him, just checking if this falls into 'different parenting' or if it's a resonable objection. He sees the kids two Sundays a month and quite often takes them swimming, the children enjoy it, so all good there. However I'm getting increasingly annoyed that DS is coming back smelling of chlorine, which means I need to fit baths into the already quiet rushed tea, homework, bed routine after they get back.

If I take them swimming I always take shampoo and shower the kids as soon as they get out, so to me it's just part and parcel of taking kids swimming. I'd never leave chlorine on myself, as I don't want dry skin or damaged hair, so it wouldn't occur to me not to do the same for the kids. However he doesn't seem to see it a necessary.

I have raised this before, but with enthuses on DD, who has long, curly, tangle prone hair, so the previous conversation focused on how tangled he her was getting from been left to dry with chlorine in it, and that it wasn't fair to her to not wash and brush it after swimming. I thought this would be enough to prompt him to just put shampoo in the swim bag, but instead he has started taking them back to his flat and washing DD's hair there (well I expect his mum does it), but still just leaving DS unwashed.

Is this worth raising again? It feels like I'm picking fault but at the same time it's really basic parenting that he should be able to do.

This

I agree. I swim most days and if I didn't have a shower my skin would be o dry and would feel disgusting.

I manage when I take them to the exact same swimming pool, the kids prefer to only go through the dry-wet-dry again sensory process once in a day, insted of having to get wet and dry off again 5 hours latet

Urgh, bad design for a pool if there's only 3 showers. With that then yeah you can only do a quick rinse, but then surely a proper shower once home rather than leaving it all day like OP's ex?
Glad my local pool is designed well, plenty of showers off the changing rooms (so not in view of the pool or public). School swimming lessons factor in enough time for showering, though not for drying hair with the hair dryer as there's only 2, so they do recommend swim caps for very long hair.

I understand it takes time out of the evening etc., but it’s probably easier all round for you to get them both showered before bed, regardless of what they’ve done during the day. Personally I’d rather do this than risk him giving up the swimming, but as I said, I know it cuts into your evening time with your DCs and probably isn’t your preference (when with a bit more effort he - or his mum - could get it sorted!).

Do you think it would be OK to do this? I'd be happy to send something but not sure of the kind of message that sends to the kids, if I'm encouraging them to smuggle soap to dad's just in case he doesn't provide essentials. It doesn't feel right putting the kids in the middle like that and feels like undermining the view of dad as a 'capable caregiver'

I'd tell your son that its just in case dad forgets, or that you're giving him his own because he's big enough now to take care of his own shampoo, or something like that.

But have you explained all this to their Dad?

OK, point taken. I'll leave it.

Must say I'm kind of surprised at how many of you are OK about a dad only doing the fun bit's of parenting while handing the boring bits back to mum.

My expectation had been that both parents should be responsible for what they do in their time & all related tasks (eg. packing bags & cleaning up after)

But the wife dictating what the husband should do is not give and take it is controlling

That’s not how I’ve taken it. It’s just that he’s doing this differently. It genuinely won’t hurt your kids if they don’t shower till the morning after swimming if evening showers are a problem. From your OP it’s two Sundays a month and he “often” (so not always?) takes them swimming.

It really isn’t a huge issue. If this was twice a week it would be.

I would just pick up a bottle of shampoo next time you're in the supermarket, hand it to your kid and say 'this was on special offer and I thought it would be handy for your swimming bag at Dad's house'. I don't see why it's such a big deal to provide them with a bottle of shampoo to take with them?

My dd swims with a club 4 times a week and none of the kids in the squad of about 25 kids have a shower afterwards, other than those with eczema who have a very quick rinse off. It wouldn’t be practical as there are only three showers, it would take hours. As far as I know, none of them have any issues as a result of showering when they get home so I think you’re making an issue where there doesn’t need to be one really. You could ask him and explain that it would be good for a convenience point of view for you, but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong parenting-wise by not showering them immediately.

But it becomes my problem when they can't sleep because their itchy or get rashes which I can't just leave it to worse over night. Getting chlorine off is something that needed to happen (for our kids, at least), so shouldn't that be the responsibility of the person who got them chlorine-y

There would be no issues with him showering them when they get home (to his home). The problem is leaving the dried on chlorine for 5 hours, then dropping them off without telling me they're still chlorine-y, so if I don't happen to smell their hair, it doesn't get washed off until next time they have a shower (usually the next day)

Could you not just ask him or them if they’ve had a shower? Why do you need to smell it?

The thing is that your ex is a fun times dad as he has them 2/30 days - and not even overnight it sounds like. So he’s not a particularly involved parent and never has to deal with the repercussions. I just think you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to force him to do it instead of just working out how to manage it yourself. You’re doing literally all the parenting here which is awful but seems unavoidable in this setup.

My daughter has severe eczema and is autistic so I understand the struggle all too well. She did school swimming though - I’d slather her up in the morning and evening and it was fine. Well, as fine as anything else is.

Because it wouldn't be nice for the kids to be quizzed about everything their dad did or didn't do as soon as they come back

I think you’re over thinking this. A ‘kids did you have a shower after swimming because if not I’ll pop the bath on’ is not an inquisition.

Your son is 9.

That’s approaching an age where he can take some responsibility for his own washing. If he’s not comfortable without a shower after swimming then he can start taking some ownership of that.

What does he want? You can help him express that. It’s also reasonable for the two parents to work together on better managing sensory needs. But that’s a different conversation to ‘basic parenting says you should be showering them after swimming’.

all those multiple, manky feet going through them. Maybe just me who thought that.

They’ve been chlorinated to within an inch of their lives, though!

On two occasions DS has asked to wash his hair, while at the pool, and been told they don't have shampoo with them. He's probably asking more because it's his usual post swimming routine, and he likes routins to stay the same, then because he fully understands or can articulate the sensory side of things, he struggles with understanding that and more often I need to inferior through behaviour when something sensory is bothering.

I'm not sure if DS would ask again after getting back to dad's house, especially if the alternative was to play a game or something, plus by then he's already dry, so less keen on getting wet again.

I know your right, but I want to be fun time mum, not 'extra sensible stuff you have to do when your tired and cranky from all the dad fun' mum.

I'd settle for us both been 'proposal amounts of fun and sensible' time parents

In that case just buy a bottle of shampoo and give it to your son! You're not giving it to you Ex, you are giving it to your son who wants it as part of a routine you've built with him, which your Ex obviously doesn't think is important. He can stick it in his coat pocket and transfer it to their Dad's swimming bag and then it will be there every time he needs it. I feel like you're making this a lot more difficult than it needs to be!

Maybe your right and I am just overcomplicateing it. I'm just nervous of the reaction from ex if I do send shampoo, like "how dare you interfere/over-ride my decision not to shower at pool/ imply I can't provide soap" or whatever other interpretation ex might put on it. Especially if he get shouty about it in front of the kids at handover.

If I were to raise it (and based on responses here, i dont think i will), I'd feel safer doing it through the parenting app when the kids aren't with him, and when he has a couple of weeks to calm down before they next see him.