Aibu to expect ex to shower DC after swimming?

[Sprogonthetyne]

Before I raise it with him, just checking if this falls into 'different parenting' or if it's a resonable objection. He sees the kids two Sundays a month and quite often takes them swimming, the children enjoy it, so all good there. However I'm getting increasingly annoyed that DS is coming back smelling of chlorine, which means I need to fit baths into the already quiet rushed tea, homework, bed routine after they get back.

If I take them swimming I always take shampoo and shower the kids as soon as they get out, so to me it's just part and parcel of taking kids swimming. I'd never leave chlorine on myself, as I don't want dry skin or damaged hair, so it wouldn't occur to me not to do the same for the kids. However he doesn't seem to see it a necessary.

I have raised this before, but with enthuses on DD, who has long, curly, tangle prone hair, so the previous conversation focused on how tangled he her was getting from been left to dry with chlorine in it, and that it wasn't fair to her to not wash and brush it after swimming. I thought this would be enough to prompt him to just put shampoo in the swim bag, but instead he has started taking them back to his flat and washing DD's hair there (well I expect his mum does it), but still just leaving DS unwashed.

Is this worth raising again? It feels like I'm picking fault but at the same time it's really basic parenting that he should be able to do.

Surely by 9yo, if the chlorine makes them itchy and uncomfortable, they'd ask for a shower if they need one.

Maybe a NT 9yo, mine isn't overly body aware. l still need to say "your shivering, go put a jumper on", or remind him to eat. He definitely doesn't have the planning to think "if I don't shower now, I'll be itchy in a few hours time" or to remember that that is what happens 2 weeks ago

Not the point of the thread, but are a 9 and 6 year old really getting homework at the weekend? Is that normal?

Masking at school takes a lot out of them, so they're not in a state to do it on week nights, and it gets pushed to weekends. They usually have a maths work sheet and some spellings. They're at two different schools and both have similar, so I assume it's normal.

I don’t understand why you can’t just ask him to do it. You already asked him to wash DD’s hair, and now he’s doing that. It could just be that he hasn’t even connected the dots that the kids would prefer a shower?

Hey OP, honestly I think it would be the best idea (to give him a travel sized hair and body wash that you can top up with his usual stuff).

I know it sucks to always have to think about the practical things, and in an ideal world you shouldn't have to. But sending it will help you, it'll help your son, it gives him some independence (doesn't have to ask his Dad for the product) and if your ex thinks anything sinister about it you can just say that your sin mentioned it would be useful, "I didn't think it was a big deal".

You're going to find that 2 partial days out of 30 means it's super easy for him to be "fun guy", but as the kids get older they will see that you were always looking out for them, and that your ex was doing less than the bare minimum.

For now, make your life easier when you can!

I would consider it neglectful to not shower and child immediately after swimming. I always do so at the gym but would accept someone going straight home to. Ignoring it until bedtime is awful.

Well about 100 people up-thread have said I'd be unreasonable and controlling if I ask him to, and that leaving the kids itchy and chlorine-y is just different parenting.

Well, it depends how you say it. I don’t think it’d be unreasonable and controlling to say something like:

Hey, I noticed you’ve been washing DD’s hair after swimming, thank you for doing that. It’s made things so much easier for her on the evening. Is there any chance you could shower DS too? I’ve noticed his skin’s been getting very dry and itchy afterwards, he seems to be sensitive to the chlorine. I’ve found a quick shower and a bit of E45 really helps prevent it from flaring up when I take them.

He could say no, of course, but nothing you’ve said so far suggests he wouldn’t want to make things easier for DS.

This.

OP, you've shifted the thread from ‘is ex being rubbish in not doing showers after swimming’ to ‘is it ok to suggest something that makes life easier and more comfortable for the children’

But having parented the kid for 9 years, he is already aware of the sensitive skin, he is already aware of the autism, is already aware of the sensory issues around been repeatedly wet then dry, he know full well about the sleep issues (this is why he refuses overnights). He knows exactly what the usual swimming routine was while we were still together (1 year ago) he know DC's preference for routines and he knows the kid has asked for shampoo at the pool the last two time.

He has made a choice to do it differently despite this. I would be asking him to go back on a decision he's made, not making a suggestion based on new information.