To think it’s bad form to ask for payment afterwards?

[keeponwishing]

Friends birthday, invited us over and we had food and drinks (everyone also brought a bottle) and she wanted to do an activity that she bought materials for - not something I would pick to do but it’s not my birthday.

The next day we get a text saying how much we owe. At no point was this said before that we were expected to pay, I didn’t eat much of the food as it wasn’t really what I like.

I’ve paid as I can’t be bothered with drama but ?

I would never charge friends for food at my house and I’d be affronted if someone sent me a retrospective bill.
If they told me in advance id probably decline the invite.
Not from meanness- but it would actually make me feel uncomfortable

This is highly odd, how much was it?

Don't know how to answer the poll but YABU to have paid.

If she wanted people to contribute then that should have been mentioned when the invites were given to give people a chance to accept or decline.

Was it a takeaway meal? Were you paying for the bits for the activity?

Odd it wasn't mentioned that you were meant to contribute.

Go on do tell,how much?

Embarrassing for them.

Yanbu. That is very unusual.

Did you buy her a gift ?

Agree, embarrassing for the friend.

Did you take a present? (as well as the bottle)

Is this friend still on your Christmas card list?

Awful behaviour.

This is very strange.

And even stranger that you just paid up instead of saying, "Hold on Carol, when did you mention your guests were paying?"

What would be the norm on a birthday for your friendship group?
If this never happens it’s bizarre she’s suddenly done it this time.

Is it untypical of her? Is there a snarky partner or husband in the background who's started moaning about how much it cost?

YABU to pay OP.

Send her a message asking for a breakdown of costs and ask if every time there's going to be an invoice.

I wouldn't go again.

Yes bound to be a man's fault.

It’s unbelievably rude. YANBU. What if you couldn’t afford it? They are CFs and dishonest behaviour on their part.

What's the money for? The activity or food?
I wouldn't expect to pay without being informed beforehand. I am guessing that if they want money for the activity it's because they knew people wouldn't want to do it.
Are you good friends and do you want to keep the friendship? If so then I would pay and perhaps make a comment about not realising, but if not that close then I might query the cost altogether and say it's not something I budgeted for and as I wasn't told beforehand and given the choice of opting out I will not pay.

I’m in my dgaf years and I think I’d probably have replied back that she’s a cheeky fuck embarrassing herself but in a very slightly better way.

if she’d wanted you all to chip in, she should have discussed costs prior to the evening so that you all had a chance to decide whether you could afford it/wanted to spend your money that way. But to send a bill round after the event is terribly bad form and just plain rude. Next birthday buy her a book on etiquette!

I’d be appalled (and embarrassed for them) but would pay to keep the peace and unless I really liked the couple would decline future invitations to their house.

do tell what the activity was though and how much you were expected to contribute?! Just can’t imagine how someone has the gall

People shouldn’t host if they can’t afford it.

I voted YANBU to have been shocked but I think YABU to have paid but get why you did. Years ago a friends mum got into knitting and she started making scarves. I commented ONCE to my friend that I liked the scarf her mum had knitted for her. Next thing, I received a pink scarf in the post with an invoice for £65. This was about 25 years ago 😂😂. I duly paid up 🤷‍♀️. Scarf was so itchy, it gave me a bloody rash!!

More fool you for paying. I would have ignored the text, waited to see if she had the balls to send a repeat demand and then I'd have explained I wasn't paying because I was not made aware of the cost before hand. It's cheeky fucker territory.

You've paid now, which she will take to mean that she was reasonable. So this is your own doing now.

YABU to have paid.
But now is the time to tell her she was a CF and that in future if she is expecting a contribution before not after is the time to mention it.