To think it’s bad form to ask for payment afterwards?

[keeponwishing]

Friends birthday, invited us over and we had food and drinks (everyone also brought a bottle) and she wanted to do an activity that she bought materials for - not something I would pick to do but it’s not my birthday.

The next day we get a text saying how much we owe. At no point was this said before that we were expected to pay, I didn’t eat much of the food as it wasn’t really what I like.

I’ve paid as I can’t be bothered with drama but ?

Was it a good evening? Has been stewing on something all night and feels justified. Did you all make an effort to enjoy her evening? Just a thought to understand how she came to this weird conclusion

'I'm really sorry, but I wouldn't have come if I'd known you expected us to reimburse you for an evening at yours. My budget is really tight at the moment and I can't afford to sent you money for food I didn't eat or an activity I didn't choose or know I'd have to pay for.'

I’ve seen similar posts on MN before. I can’t believe people behave like that. I think it’s fine to say “Hey how about I ordered food and drinks at my house and we all contribute “ but you don’t do it after.

Looking back were there any clues?

I can’t believe people really do this and think it’s ok. I wouldn’t have paid, and I think I’d probably let a friendship like that fade as I’d be embarrassed for her.

We teach people how to treat us - that's my new favourite saying. All you've done by keeping quiet is to tell her that you're fine with it, and she can keep charging you for her hosting. What was the charge for, the food or activity? You started off saying one thing, and then it turned into the other.

Can you reply with a “Hi Clare, oops I didn’t realise we were supposed to be chipping in. Shall I send you the money or shall I repay the favour by doing something nice here instead… perhaps we could….xyz next time? Thanks for a lovely evening x”

Then see how she responds. Was it a group chat?

Unbelievable

I’d better send a bill to my friend for the coffee and biscuits she had here when she dropped by a few day’s ago.

Your friend has some gall. I couldn’t look my friends in the eye if I did that. Shame you didn’t ignore.

Next time she comes to you for coffee ask her for £3.90, and point at your tips jar.

That's really weird.

A few years back, when everyone in the friendship group was struggling, I suggested to everyone that we all loved going out together for a full English on a Sunday but couldn't afford £15, so how about everyone came to ours, we'd buy all the ingredients, and it would be around £3 a head. That was all agreed in advance and we did it a few times.

I also regularly make dinner for my friends and family and wouldn't even consider charging.

It has to be discussed in advance and the meal in question agreed upon.

That’s ridiculous- I wouldn’t be paying

I am squirming with embarrassment for your friend. Does she have any form for this? Or did her message to you letting you know beforehand regarding costs accidentally go into your junk folder or something? I am casting about for an explanation for this absolutely extraordinary behaviour!

Oh yuck. That's horrible, OP. You're not being unreasonable at all. I often think that people who do things like that are desperate to have one type of life, and to be generous with their money, but either their personality or their circumstances don't allow for it, and rather than acknowledge that, they do these weird half measures of generosity that they can't see through and overall it is all so much worse than sticking to a smaller budget and living less 'large'.

I've voted YABU because you gave her money to eat in her home.

Unbelievable behaviour from your friend. When did it become acceptable to do this? It wouldn't even occur to me to charge my friends for anything!

What was the activity, out of interest?

@AvonCallingBarksdale was it made of spun gold?!
That’s an awful lot for a scarf in any case.

Did you remain friends?

I’d have paid, but I’d quietly drop her as a friend.

This

That is so tacky.

I'm pretty skint and I still can't imagine invoicing my friends when I have them over, I don't know how people can do stuff like that without wanting to crawl out of their own skin with embarrassment.

This

Unbelievable. I would have returned the scarf with a note saying I hadn’t asked for it but thanks anyway 😂

On one hand I personally nowadays wouldn’t charge guests, but I feel uncomfortable at some of the comments that say “don’t host if you can’t afford it”.

In my 20s I was quite impoverished and lived pay cheque to pay cheque. There’s no way I could have afforded to host, but was fortunate my friends would have all chipped in to cover themselves. I don’t poor people shouldn’t be able to host.

I think though, any expenses should be made clear when the invitation is made. So your friend is unreasonable by only making this clear after the event.

That’s so bizarre

I personally think when you host people, you do end up out of pocket providing a nice experience for guests. However I wouldn’t ask guests to pay! Especially if it wasn’t agreed in advance. I think if you’re agreeing to pay, you should have choice over what that money is being spent on. You might have been happy sorting your own food out whilst she’s charging you for her Waitrose order for example!

if I feel I’m put out by hosting, I simply don’t host that group of people. I don’t host them, with all the bells and whistles, then invoice them.

If a friend said to me “I’m thinking of doing XYZ for my birthday; it would be £x per person if that’s okay?”, I’d think that was fine. But if it had never been mentioned and then I was told afterwards, “This is what you owe me”, I’d think it was a bit shit.