To think it’s bad form to ask for payment afterwards?

[keeponwishing]

Friends birthday, invited us over and we had food and drinks (everyone also brought a bottle) and she wanted to do an activity that she bought materials for - not something I would pick to do but it’s not my birthday.

The next day we get a text saying how much we owe. At no point was this said before that we were expected to pay, I didn’t eat much of the food as it wasn’t really what I like.

I’ve paid as I can’t be bothered with drama but ?

I have only ever encountered this type of behaviour on Mumsnet.

She invited you with deceitful intentions. I probably would have wired over the 20 pounds but sent with a 'just paid, but didn't know we were being charged to attend'.

Then I wouldn't bother with her further. Life is too short for spending it with any of these types of people.

Good God ! what was the activity, making diamond jewellery ?

@keeponwishing YANBU - v poor form for her not to have told you before. if she couldn’t afford it she could have done a meal out where it would be assumed that everyone would pay for themselves.

And I am in friendship groups where it would be completely acceptable to suggest a pot luck dinner or everyone to chip in for a big meal but not normal for a birthday meal to be hosted and then a bill sent later !

Ive read a few similarish posts on MM about being invited to a gathering then asked for money. Different if everyone has agreed to split for a takeaway and some beers. Is it a thing nowadays?
I wouldnt dream of expecting people to pay when invited to a party, apart from bringing some booze.
Maybe im just getting old

She won't tell us what the activity was.

Bizarre

I would respond by sending her an invoice for my time because I didn't enjoy the activity

Love it!

That’s weird. If she really couldn’t afford it, she should have been upfront about asking whether people would be happy to chip in before organising it.

Or not had a party. It sounds like she wanted gifts and wine and an "activity" ( we don't know what), but not pay anything for it.

But was the £15 wine for BYOB? Or was it her birthday gift from you?

I'd have messaged back and said 'LOL, that's a good one, tell me another!' Like fuck would I have paid.

Same here. Absolutely not!

Beyond tacky. If she can’t offer hospitality freely, she shouldn’t take up people’s time.

“Sorry, we thought you were hosting and don’t have an extra £20 in the budget right now.”

Yeah I'm wondering this too. The birthday girl was still in the wrong but it doesn't sound like you brought her a present.

I wouldn't apologise.

Was this some kind of MLM set-up and you were supposed to know, without being told, how these things run?

If I were one of the other invitees I would be pissed off that the OP paid, apparently quickly, as I would feel pressure to do the same.

OP, what have the others done?

Don’t be accepting any more invites. Shame you paid!

Very odd. The only way I'd say it's okay is if you tell people up front. Stuff like this people can go along with legitimately as part of being the group, but they should have the choice as to whether or not it's how they choose to spend their money.

Those who say you shouldn't host if you can't afford it, I feel that risks killing ofd a lot of lovely fun times for people without much cash. It also means if you have someone who's the only one in a group with a suitable space then they either have to spend the money all the time because they're always the host, or the events just don't happen. Or you end up spending even more money across the group going out. None of those seems ideal to me. But you need to make things clear up front.

I disagree. Even though the friends was out of order most folk would pay out of probably embarrassment rather than challenge the person. I think easiest thing pay up and withdraw from the friendship.

Frightful. I could not believe it when someone asked for a bottle of wine back that they had brought with them as I hadn't opened it during the evening. But to charge for an evening ?
I would phone up and laugh and ask what they think they are doing ?

Yanbu. It should have been discussed beforehand if she wanted people to contribute. If I host, I pay, if someone else hosts, they pay. Unless it is a "We are getting a takeaway, we will be splitting the bill/paying for what we've individually ordered" prior agreement then the host should pay. As she didn't have your agreement and was not honest with her expectations before the event I'd be pretty unimpressed and I'd not be going to an event of hers again.

Some people are incredibly arrogant, aren't they? Not only assuming that what they want to do should be enjoyed by everyone, but that people should be happy to pay for the privilege of doing it with them. Your friends behaviour says a lot about the regard she gives herself and the consideration she has for others. I'm guessing this isn't the only way this trait has been revealed in your friendship? I find the only way to deal with people like this is to be blunt and clear in future. So next time there's an invitation to something she's hosting "Can you let me know what the cost is, as if its expensive I'll probably give it a miss."