That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

That is 100% a HER problem

Well, I hope she is able to get a job and a cheaper rental before it gets any colder, despite both being scarce. We've only got OP's word on all of this - perhaps she's been trying really hard to get a job. Perhaps she has vulnerabilities.

Also @MellowPinkDeer

Not in England. It finishes at 16 or, if they do A levels, after those are done or another approved training. University does not count for CMS ordered payments, they don't continue.
Individuals may have their own legal arrangements of course.

Absolutely! Would posters be insisting the dm had the responsibility to pay for op and dha home and lifestyle if their finances changed?

It’s not 100% her problem if DSS lives in the house too and will be having to deal with his mother potentially being homeless while he’s trying to focus on the very important last 6 months of his degree!

It being right or wrong is not the point. The point is DSS needs to be the focus.

@heavenknow- can you move DSS in with you permanently at Christmas? (Including with all his stuff)

I doubt the DSS would be OK with leaving his mother in the lurch. And he's not going to like his dad and stepmother refusing to help her when jobs and housing are scarce. We only have OP's word that the mum is useless. Perhaps she's been looking for a job for some time. Perhaps she's got vulnerabilities. I sense there's a back story to the whole business and self-employed stuff, but OP is light on details. Many businesses have suffered in recent years what with Covid and Ukraine, especially small ones.

If her business isn't making enough profit to support her, then it's time to close shop and get a job that does.

@SoftBalletShoes Surely she can ask someone other than her ex of several years to help her out this time though? They weren’t married, and he’s helped her out before so it’s time for him to step back.

Just because they have a 20-year-old together doesn’t mean that he’s her default financial supporter. She may have family who could help out, for example.

None of the hypothetical situations you describe are in any way, shape or form the ex-husband (and OP's) issues to deal with. If the bio mum is disabled/unemployable/etc. she needs to approach the appropriate social service agency for assistance, not continue to ride the gravy train.

Perhaps she's been possessed by an alien or is a circus performer by night. None of which matters. She is NOT her ex-husband's problem, and has been grifting off him for a ridiculous number of years. If she failed to make provisions for housing and supporting herself, that is her problem to solve.

Shrug. That's her problem.

ALL of these problems, including any stress to the son, are entirely of her making. OP and the ex-husband have been more than generous. I have zero patience for people who faff around being "self-employed" when what they really need to do is get out there and get a job. or two jobs. If her business is failing to support her, which is apparently is, what did she expect?

There are many strikingly hard hearts on internet fora, including here. I'm wondering if it's an activity attract that type, because they want to express their unkind and uncaring and uncharitable thoughts anonymously seeing as such attitudes are socially unacceptable.

The OP and her DH couldn't even give her some grace over the coldest period of the year. I think it's wrong, but then I'm a caring and forgiving person. I think she should have at least been given till the spring, but OP and others are full of "not my problem" if she's evicted in winter, so that's that. Maybe some people should read or watch A Christmas Carol.

You have only OP's word that this is the mum's problem. Seeing as the person facing homelessness is her DH's ex, with whom he shares a child, I'm not going to leap to the conclusion that she's an unbiased source. There is a huge back story missing from her posts and her tale is light on detail. Most people do not want to be short of cash, and I wonder if there is a reason she's not quite ready for the support to end.

Do you say "shrug" about homeless people in general unless they are spotless in their behaviour? Because they took their first drink or drug and got hooked?

Regardless, being evicted is exactly how people end up homeless. I think this is a disastrous decision, because even if you have no humanity or charity in your heart for someone in her situation at this time of year, it will create huge stress for DSS. I would defer my final year rather than see my mum evicted, and I wouldn't want to see my dad again for quite some time, either. If he's due to have Christmas with his dad, I hope he dumps him for his mum.

You have no one's word but OP's that she's been grifting. Her story actually makes little sense and is very light on detail. Maybe there are reasons why the mum is not quite ready for support to end.

"but then I'm a caring and forgiving person."

🙄 Well perhaps OP can give you the ex's details and you can pay her rent for the next 6 months!

I hope he dumps him for his mum.

That's not very caring or forgiving!

How do we know that she hasn't been trying to do just that? Jobs are scarce and the country's in a mess.

At Christmas this year, not forever. I'd rather be with my mum in a shelter than with the dad and stepmother, if she gets evicted.

ETA: Also, two can play the "not my problem" game. If the DSS goes low or no contact with the dad because of this, then it wouldn't be the mum's problem, would it? I doubt she'd play peacemaker. Similarly, if the dad ends up widowed one day and needs his son's company, the son might say "not my problem" if his mum ends up evicted now. Because the danger of his final year of studies being disrupted isn't his dad's problem, according to the OP's worldview.

What a vivid imagination!

Common sense. Kids remember.

If they weren't married, she must have been in a financially precarious position the whole time, and it's not like the OPs husband can have been supporting her then unless she lived on child maintenance alone? so she's obviously been bringing up a child alone and paying rent, with just some child support to help towards that. And usually it doesn't help that much towards it, as raising kids is costly.

I'd be interested to know the back story on how the father is now in this much better financial position? Anyway, sounds like that age old thing MN warns against, which is having kids when you're not married.

As pp have said, upsetting that the mother will now effectively become homeless.

It's the kind of thing I'd do if I was wealthy. I don't care what the circumstances are, no one should be evicted in the winter.

Only on MN do people think that everyone can magick up a job and a rental at the drop of a hat, when both are scarce. She might have been trying to get a job and a cheaper rental for ages.

At last, one poster with a heart!

The mom has known for years that child support would eventually stop. OP's husband has already paid one of the mom's business debts (good deeds don't go unpunished comes to mind here). If her business has been doing so poorly that she can't pay her business debts or make rent, she should have closed down and gotten another job. That's not hard hearted, that's just facts. Her business tanked and she didn't adjust because she assumed her ex would be paying her bills for however long she bugged him about it. Turns out Bank of Ex is closing and she knew it. She just thought she could keep her hand in his wallet forever because she had a child with him.