That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

If you have any dignity as a woman and mother at all you don't sit there waiting for handouts from your long ex husband!!! Especially when your child is this age.
There comes a time when you are expected to be independent. If women want equality why are they still behaving in this helpless way.

Well said!

All of that is besides the point. The dad owes the mum generous maintenance to help support his son. That's it. He doesn't owe her more money because she's single or because her boiler breaks down. The mum is presumably a fully-functioning adult and can figure out how to pay her own expenses the way the rest of us do.

Exactly! Well said. Plus why are they mentioning the Dads joint income, that income isn’t shared with another parent of the child. Plus the mom has had equal time and opportunity to find herself a new bankroller partner

He is a tad old to still be paying child maintenance to be fair.

Thanks everyone. We are going to stand firm and not give her anything else.
She had every opportunity to further her career, we’ve always been flexible with arrangements to accommodate her working.
There wasn’t a marital asset to sell as they rented when they were together and were never married. DH has always been generous with financial support, because we’ve been in the fortunate position to and because he didn’t want his child to have the growing up he had. But time has come now for us to benefit and to focus on supporting DSS towards his future, money for a house deposit etc

Good decision, OP. Any financial support you choose to give should be going directly to you DSS now that he's an adult.

Spot on!

You paid a lump so she could pay off a business debt?!

DSS has a plan, you can support him getting set up.

He needs to see how his mum is. She may be doing her best, but it’s not for your DH to further enable her life.

Well done for the extra support you have done for DSS’s wellbeing.

YANBU but I would carry on supporting your DSS until he leaves uni.

Are you absolutely batshit crazy??? The kid is 20, she’s had YEARS AND YEARS and multiple bail outs. She’s a fully grown adult. You cannot seriously be trying to make the OP the bad guy here? Give your head a wobble!

You're free to set a go fund me account for DSS's mum's rent if you feel so strongly about it.

She’s probably the mum , surely there are not multiple scrounging women like this?!?

I thought you were going to say DSS was 10 not 20. He's mum has known that the maintenance was going to stop for years. She should have planned ahead. Got a second job or moved. DSS should be paying some sort of board to he's mum if he is living at home. Your husband has done enough.

There may be.
I expect its a hard transition for many when the child related benefits and maintenance stops.

If only they knew exactly when it was happening and could plan ahead…

It may not be your fault but It is kind of your problem. Where will the DSS live if she loses the house.. with you ? It’s all very well the posters on here saying “ he’s an adult etc " but employment and independence at 20 is really hard these days. If you can afford it then l think you should pay for the next six months with the caveat that it will formally end after that . It will give you the mum and DSS longer to discuss what’s going to happen. Pulling the plug on cash for your child - no matter how old - seems odd to me. I’m sure there are many adults on here who have / are still being helped by parents .

🤣🤣🤣 if only

They simply support the son to live independently. The OP has not once suggested they are no longer going to support him directly! Honestly!

She has, but we are dealing with what is, not what should be. It's the start of winter and there's a housing crisis.

Plus there's the fact that this will worry DSS while he's studying.

The bio mum should have thought of this many years ago. And being "self-employed" is a luxury. She needs to get out there and get a job. Or two.

As I said, maybe she should, but we are dealing with what is, not what should be. I, personally, could not make someone homeless at the start of winter. Nor create a situation that's very worrying for the DSS during his final year of uni.

They’re not making her homeless. The hyperbole on here is insane.

But neither OP nor her DH are "making someone homeless" or "creating a situation that's very worrying for DSS". The Ex is doing that.

There is a housing crisis, and the mum is going to lose her rental.